Yipes.

Sometimes I wonder if I have a binge eating disorder with a touch of alcoholism. I feel so helpless.

Right now I'm hungry. I've eaten so many calories' worth in the past three days, it's shocking. Over 5,000 a day for sure, but I didn't keep exact counts. Tonight is a record. Almost a whole bottle of rum for myself. I feel depressed and alcohol makes me feel giggly and alive.

Tonight, however, my boyfriend was over, and he left. Now I'm drunk on rum and pineapple juice. So sugary and calorie laden, but so good. I guess it makes me feel sexy and beautiful, being drunk. I don't have to worry about my appearance. Not like I get drunk in front of anyone. Just me. And my cat. And Netflix. That's all that you need to know. This kind of scares me, being so drunk. I pray I wake up in the morning.But sadly I feel I feel I will be given another day on this earth. Another day off of work feeling hopeless and productive until I begin drinking again.

I won't see my boyfriend tomorrow, and this is sad.

Uggh/ Tooooooooooo many calories this week. I feel gross.

Asking For Help.

These past few months have been absolute hell for me. Since I moved back home, I've been under the watchful eye of my parents, friends, and coworkers. My old laptop died. I feel awful. I look awful. I've had no way to reach out for support when I needed it, and it crushed me. I've gained back most of the weight I had lost right before the winter, and it really shows. I'm here to ask for your support as I try to get back on the path I was pursuing before my support chain and inspiration crumbled beneath me.

I'm a bloody hot mess, I'll admit that much. I finally am starting to feel emotional again. I've even got a new boyfriend, and I adore him dearly. Now, he is my goal at the end of my weight loss (...again). It's kind of funny because he wants to do that p90x junk with me, and I couldn't be happier to oblige.

I miss everything about my journal here. Reading back on some of my old posts, I feel so motivated to claim my life back. Now, with school starting for my sisters, they won't be around much. My dad is going to be working umpteen hours a day, and I'm going to be working and teaching my boyfriend to be a health nut. I know I keep telling myself that I'm ready to just go and DO this finally, but now is my time, for real. I'm just so sick of looking sick and gross and nasty and fat. I absolutely hate part of my life right now, and I hate feeling so sluggish and helpless. I want to be healthy and beautiful and normal looking and thin. I don't even want to say how much weight I've gained since I moved home because it's so awfully embarrassing. I hate being in a house with home cooked meals at night and a boyfriend who is obsessed with ice cream and fast food. It's making me sick, and I know it.

I've found out that I'm vitamin D deficient as well, so I've got to get that normalized again. My hair had begun to fall out, and when they did blood work, that's what was wrong. Yippee. I also found out that I'm lactose intolerant. When I started my job a little while back, I kept getting really sick and had to call off some days and I couldn't figure out why I am always getting stomach aches and head aches and stuff... come to find out my body can't process dairy. Yippee. Dairy certainly limits my diet, and I am nothing more than ecstatic with that.

Please pray that I can finally take this step on my own to nip all my problems in the bud. I really need it. I really, really, really, really do.

An Attempt To Be A Tad Healthier

I've decided that I want to try to eat in a vegetarian manner.

I think it will be good for me to at least try. My little sister is a vegetarian, and she always feels healthy and pretty and bright. Part of this is motivation to get healthier and lose some weight, but I've also read some things about meat that kind of startle me. My parents will think I am insane, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. A part of me also thinks that taking this step will help me ward off this ED bullcrap. I know, I know... it's a stretch, but there is always that sliver of hope that motivates me even more. I've been scouring Pinterest for healthy veggie foods and looking at ways to replace the protein I would be losing by not eating meat. So far, I've found some great recipes and ideas. I also found a ton of workout things that I am dying to try!

Let's see where this gets me.

Bored In A Fast Food Joint

Well, here I am. I'm sitting at a McDonalds and trying helplessly to not feel sorry for myself. When I got out of bed, I downed 2 diet pills right off the bat. Just in case. Then I took two more once I was up and at 'em (basically right before I ate). I had a side salad (20 cal) and a half of a Southwest dressing packet (50 cal) for lunch. I topped it off with a couple glasses of water. Maybe the water will carry the fat nasties away. Uggh. My dad is coming to get me later today, and I made a promise to myself that I was going to work out... way more than normal... tonight. I need to get my weight back down for this Friday. It's my best friend's birthday party, and I might have a date. ;-) Actually, more like my friend Eric; the one who said I could live in his upstairs bedroom. Haha. Oh well. I'd rather go with a friend than a romantic partner anyway. Way less pressure = way more fun.

I'm thinking about fasting Tuesday and Wednesday, and liquid fasting Thursday and Friday. Not exceptionally ideal, but my reasoning is that Tues/Wed, I can work out to my heart's content and basically do a "last chance workout" like on The Biggest Loser. Then, Thurs/Fri, I can get a limited number of calories from liquid (within reason) so that I will garner a little more energy to go out Friday night. This isn't what I was hoping to do, but this weekend ruined me. I hardly kept up with myfitnesspal, I didn't pay attention half the time to what I was eating. Uggh. I hate being away from home. I tend to mess up a lot more when I'm not following my normal schedule. Then I feel like crap. I'm going to be a huge fat hot mess this Friday. I'll end up wearing a black turtleneck and old lady pants to hide the fat. Sucks... I really wanted to look good in the dress I bought. :(

It isn't me in the dress, but this is what it looks like. I was supposed to be happy and comfortable in it, and now I don't even know what I'll look like. Probably horrendous. Oh God. Eric is going to see me in that dress and think I'm the fat gross friend. He won't want me to move in with him. Oh dear Lord. I need to burn some calories and stop giving in. Why can't I just follow the simplest of rules? UGGH.

Well, if nothing else, at least the dress is cute?

I Was Almost There...

...and then I ruined it. I had been doing so well at not giving in to temptation and working out when I was supposed to; I was eating right and everything...

Then last night happened. I'm not really sure what triggered it, I couldn't really tell you. I think it was because I made dinner for Austin. He eats so much. In total, I think he ate 8 waffles, 10 eggs, and about 20 sausage links for dinner. Of course, I didn't come anywhere near that amount, but still, I ate way more than I needed to to get that full feeling. It doesn't help that he told me I needed to eat some ice cream while we were watching a movie. I was doing so well at just telling him that it sounded good, but no thanks. The movie was almost over, and I caved. I ate my weight in ice cream and chocolate syrup last night (not literally, but close enough, right?). I woke up this morning and was so depressed about it that I didn't even go to campus with Austin. I decided to just stay at his house and pack up my things... I'm leaving this evening.  I don't want to, nor did this weekend turn out anywhere near the scenario that I had planned. I'm angry, upset, hurt... I'm not sure where to go from here.

We looked at apartments Friday and Saturday, because his house is getting taken away by the bank (his father died before I re-started my blog). It's a big, beautiful house that his father built by himself. It's an awful situation, but the bank wants it. Austin only has until the end of summer to get out, basically. I told him that as long as we split it evenly, we could get an apartment together. I don't know how I feel about it. It's probably because I feel like there is still hope for our relationship. Probably not though, in reality. He never tells me what he is thinking anymore, and that hurts me. I'm not a mind reader. I think that he's still partially hung on this other girl he talks to. Although the reason I came to visit this weekend was because he said, "I'd rather see you this weekend than lose you over two days with her." I don't know what that means, but I came to visit. He avoided having sincere, meaningful conversation the whole time. He was texting on his phone, presumably to the other girl. Then... there is a website I live a private life on. I don't look for people I know. I'm only there to find new friends, etc (and it isn't a dating website! Haha). Apparently he found me on it and was creeping on me, and he wouldn't tell me what his name was. I want to block him, that's it. I don't want him perusing in aspects of my life that he has no business doting in. I'm so mad. I almost want to take that profile down.

So... that's where I am with him. Still frustrated. Still hurt. Still have no idea what he wants. I don't even know why I came to visit now.

Anyway, I have to return to school for the summer, in order to not lose my financial aid and to avoid paying my student loans back for now. My friend Eric reached out to me and said that he has an upstairs room that he would rent to me if I needed it. No strings attached. I'm seriously considering it; there is no pressure of a relationship or making someone happy. Just friends, living together, and growing together.

I don't know what to do.

I learned a lot from this post: I don't know jack diddly squat.

My life, ladies and gentlemen. :-(

xoxo

Question For Everyone...

Has anyone heard from Katie over at Stealing Myself Back From Ana? The last time I heard anything from her was the last time she posted (Feb 10). I know she was having a hard time, and I am beginning to get very worried about her. I just want to know that everything is okay on her end. Does anyone know if she is already in her IOP program or not? I'm hoping that I'm over-reacting on this, and everything is going well on her end. I've caught myself thinking and praying for her lately. I hope our prayers are working. <3

xoxo

Taking A Risk

So it's kind of risky for me to be writing this right now. In fact, the other person in the room with me has already noticed that I'm doing it. He asks, "What are you doing? Are you writing? Are you blogging?" I told him neither. Okay nevermind. Curiosity killed the cat, and he knows I'm on Blogger. Whatever. Sneaky bastard.

Anyway, I'm staying with Austin this weekend. Risky and scary as well, but I really wanted to see him. And apparently likewise. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I mean, yeah, it's great to see him and all, but then all of a sudden he gets depressed and I'm left wondering what the fuck just happened. This was his latest update tonight: Why do I always feel bad when the logical decision is contradicting the emotional decision, and I chose the logical decision?

Honestly, what do I say to that? It could mean so many different things and I don't want it to seem like I'm overreacting. Blah.

Not to mention I feel like I'm gaining weight constantly, even with an up-dose of diet pills. I've had fast food three times (salad and chicken sandwich x2, then two sandwiches) and I'm so sick of it. It made my stomach really upset all three times. Not necessarily a bad thing, considering it left my body rather quickly. I guess I can't complain. Other than that, I haven't been snacking or anything, which for most people would be a triumph. Not for me. I still feel so fat and gross, and Austin doesn't understand. He just doesn't. He's trying to gain weight, not lose it. That makes me so angry it isn't funny. He's always telling me that we should go eat and get food, and go out, and blah dee fucking blah. I DON'T WANT TO. But then again I feel bad... why should I punish him for not knowing what's going on with my brain? I give in so easily... then take three times the amount of diet pills to make up for it. Honestly I just feel so bloated.

I'm not sure what my next step is. I've about 6 pounds in a week, and I feel like this weekend is going to undo all of that. I worked so damn hard to get my weight down, and now.... now it's going to get ruined. :-(