Emotions.

I can't get my internet to work on my laptop for some reason so I'm updating really quickly from my phone...

I'm not really sure what's going on inside my head right now. Lots of conflicting emotions, that's for sure. I was doing the dishes and all of a sudden I just wanted to bawl my eyes out. I kind of just let a few crocodile tears out but that was it. I didn't now what else to do. There's so much going on that I'm having trouble thinking without getting emotional, and it sucks. I'm happy, but I'm really sad deep down. It literally aches in my chest and crushes my lungs in its grasp. It's awful and I hate it but I am too weak to fight it back.

I need to find strength but I have none. I'm really depressed. More than I normally am.

To be frank, I'm pretty sure I'm high right now, so that's probably why this all sounds so depressing and sad. I drank about a third of a bottle of hydrocodone in my attempt to calm the fuck down. Probably not the best idea I've ever made and it was mostly just me acting on emotions and not thinking. I feel like I'm gonna pass out or puke or cry or die or something. I'm probably just overreacting, but oh well.

I'm in a pretty low place right now.

Extreme Restricting: Day 1

I know it says "Day 1" but I really don't even know how long this will go on. Oh well. I'll figure that part out later I suppose.

Anyway, so far as good.
My boyfriend and I went to McDonalds for breakfast at 7 this morning because it was too early to get into the buildings on campus. I got away with an unsweet tea. :-)

Since then, I've been sipping on that and I had two Triscuit crackers and a thin slice of cheese on each of them. Each cracker with cheese is about 30 calories. That means I'm at 60 for the day. I have two more crackers and two more slices of cheese in case I absolutely need them, but I didn't even bother bringing a lunch today. I have a bottle of Diet Coke in my reserves if the need arises.

I also brought my lemon/cayenne water today too. I think I may have made it a bit too spicy, but the taste goes away fast and... more pepper = faster metabolism? Probably not, but at least I like spicy things.

I'm actually surprised I'm not craving more food, but for my case, that's completely okay! Plus, I've been up and moving most of the morning, and some of that included stairs, so that's a little exercise thrown in there. It won't count for much, but at least it counts.

I'm really hoping that my supervisor didn't bring any food to share today. I don't really want to tell her no. Maybe I can stick it in the drawer of my desk and wait until she leaves to throw it out :-/ All hypothetical of course, because so far she hasn't let on that she has food.

Blah. I hope today ends as well as it started.

Fluid Cleanse.

I'm starting it tomorrow. I'm going grocery shopping for lemons and cayenne and oranges and tea and stuff tonight. In addition to the liquids, I'm just going to be taking my biotin and vitamin supplements, but that's it.

Wish me luck.

Whew!

Okay, so today didn't actually go as bad as I thought it would. I did end up eating at the potluck, but it wasn't big portions and I was fairly comfortable with it, except for the fact that I drank regular pop and defffinitely didn't realize it until afterwards. Oh well. I mean, the damage was already done and I couldn't really do anything about it. Also, I sat next to "Francey" (I've talked about him once or twice). Totally found out his mom lives in France and his kid is 15. Whoopsy. I underestimated how old his really was... by a lot! :-O

Dinner was really, actually one of the best dinners I've ever had, and I didn't even splurge! Austin insisted we go out to this nice pub/restaurant thing. Nice and pub in the same sentence... hmmm... but it's true! Haha. I got a steamed vegetable wrap with squash puree (it was actually really interesting to eat) and some french onion soup. That was pretty good too. I felt pretty good about it, even though my tummy is still kind of bloaty and round from this week, but it'll be alright. I may have some popcorn tonight, but I don't know. The can is in front of me, but it's not open right now and I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of that popcorn.

My cat scratched the side of my tummy earlier. He got it pretty deep. I was kind of hoping that it was deep enough that the fat particles inside of me would leak out, but to no avail. It was simply wishful thinking.

I'll have to get a picture of the mess my hair has become. I went to take a shower this evening, and decided to brush my hair before the shower because it was really snarly. Probably a bad choice, because it started coming out in chunks when I ran the brush through it. Now, normally, this just happens while I'm already in the shower and it all goes down into the drain. Not the case here, and it really scared me because the brush was fullllll of hair. Looks like it's time to go back on my biotin regime. I can't have my hair falling out like that. Yucky.

Soooo tomorrow is Thursday. I decided that I'm going into work, but I'm packing my own food because I'm a broke college kid. I'll probably be able to write and update a bit more throughout the day since I'll be at work all day.

Here is the ABC diet plan I'm going to attempt starting on Monday. I know Wilko was curious what it was, so I decided to put up a picture. Mostly to show him what the ABC is, but also to put it out there that I'm actually being for real this time because making up my own failed miserably.

The reason I keep telling myself that I'm an awful person is because I really do think that. Not all the time, but most of it. I am not a good role model. It's like, I definitely and by no means condone what I do or say. I do not label myself as a "Pro-Ana" blog. I hate that people think that just because I write about my life in a blog, it means that I am a supporter of what I do. Because of it, I get a few emails here and here asking for "tips" or "ideas on how to lose weight fast," or my favorite, "If I do this or this or this, do you think it would help me lose xxx amount of weight in xxx amount of time? Blah blah blah" Honestly people, I would never reply to something like that. There is no reason to. It makes me sick that people think they can "become" this. You can't. It just is. It's not because of this blog that I get upset at myself, it's the way that people perceive me. As much as I try to forget about it, I can't help bu feel like I'm just doing everything wrong and that keeping this as my outlet makes me a bad person.

My trip to the counselor is on Monday morning, right after my Calculus 2 final exam. Yippee! ....

...

....

Not really yippee.

Anyway, I still don't know what I want to get out of this meeting, really. I'm not sure what to divulge or what to keep internal for a while longer. Should I wait until I trust them to tell them everything that's happening, or do I spill it all right there so they can think I'm a nut case? It's driving me crazy running through every scenario I can think of. What did you all do the first time you met with your counselors, etc? (If you've ever had one). Is it scary? Where did you draw the line between "tell" and "don't tell". I don't know what to do about.

I feel like fleeing the continent. 

The Woes Of Attending A Potluck

The first half of the work day has passed by with not much commotion. Unfortunately, I feel like it's about to take a turn for the worst. In about an hour, every single faculty member in the Mechanical Engineering department, including our secretaries, and myself, will trudge on up to the Dean's conference room to partake in... A Christmas Lunch. Tis the season. I'm not so excited. I went to the union earlier to buy a small salad, coffee, and Diet Coke. I ate the salad already in the hopes that I won't feel hungry at all when I go up there. I have kind of mixed feelings about it, because I don't want to go up there and be the awkward girl in the corner not eating. I mean, honestly folks, who doesn't eat at a potluck? I'm thinking about maybe just staying in the office and being the designated sentry while everyone goes up, or I'll eat a little bit (if there's anything up there that's of any health value) and forgo dinner. Ah well. I might as well just not go, because I'm the youngest one there by like, at least 12 years. Not exactly thrilled by that either. I just feel abnormally fat today. Mother Nature decided to come visit this month, so I'm pretty pissed about that. I feel gross, I didn't do my makeup this morning, I'm stuck in an office by myself right now... I need a cigarette break. What else is wrong with my life?

Austin's and my apartment searching is going well, but really awful at the same time.
My uterus feels like it's about to burst into a million pieces.
My nails are starting to shred and peel every time I touch them.
My hair is starting to tangle into a rat's nest every time I wash it.
I have this nervous gesture where I peel the skin off from around my finger nails and it's really annoying because now my hand bleeds whenever I peel the skin. (Yuck, I know. Sorry!)
I think my shoes smell.
My finals are next week. FML.
I don't know if I'll be able to come to school next semester because I don't have $1000 to pay my bill from this semester.

I'm going to stop complaining now, because in reality this is all superficial. I'm not a selfish bitch, I promise... :-/

I must be an awful person.

On a sidenote, I'm thinking about beginning another ABC diet this coming Monday. It's been a while since I've done one. Maybe it'll kick my ass in gear.

I have no doubt I'm an awful person.

Tuesday & Blog Award!

So, first off, I'd like to thank Skylar Rainn for nominating me for the Liebster Blog Award that's been going around lately. I'm not completely sure how it works, but I'm elated that anyone even reads my blog! Honestly, I just started it to calm myself, but it's been branching into something a lot more than that. I love reading about all of you and keeping up with you and reading your stories. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in all of this, and I really appreciate that. <3

Here are the questions that I'm supposed to answer. :-)

1.) What is your favourite memory?

Being a little girl and not having to care about the world. I was so close to my family and always wanted to be around them. I would give anything to have those times back.

2.) What was your first relationship like?

 I'm still in it! Well, if we're counting serious relationships here. It's fun, spontaneous, and we enjoy each other's company. By no means is it a fairy tale romance, and there are some things I would like to change, but regardless, there's a beauty about being in love.

3.) Club party or house party?

Ick... house party by far. I'm not exactly a club kind of person. I do love a good house party though!

4.) Who is your icon/ idol?

Is it bad that I don't have one? :-/ Even if I did have one, I honestly wouldn't know who.

5.) One rule that you live your life by?

Everything happens for a reason. If it happens, then it was meant to be. Life's too short to wonder what could have, would have, should have...

6.) If you could have any pet what would it be (any animal)?

I am a sucker for felines. Any kind of kitty cat will do. My dream cat is called a Manul. It lives in Asia, and it's so beautiful! It's got big teeth and it's eyes are so unique! Google it: Manul Cat, or Pallas's cat. Same thing. <3

7.) If you had one super power what would it be?

I would want to be able to turn invisible on command. I would also love to be able to stop time; everything around me stops, and I get to go/do whatever I want.

8.) Ideal celebrity partner and why?

Either David Tennant or Matt Smith. British actors in the Doctor Who series. They are wonnnnderful  and I would marry either of them in a heart beat. They're really great people from what I've been exposed to; funny, kind, normal, down to earth people who just happen to have the most insanely awesome job on the planet!

9.) What are your favourite movies?

Oh wow, so many... Despicable Me, Beauty and the Beast, 2012, Inception, the Saw series, Harry Potter, A Secret Between Friends, Fright Night, Christopher and His Kind

10.) What is your star sign?

I'm a Capricorn. Oh boy, am I ever a Capricorn.

11.) What is your biggest regret?

Ohhh gosh... so many regrets. I regret not being a better person and not being a great role model for my younger sisters. I regret not being closer to my family. Not being a better girlfriend, lover, companion, friend. I always feel like I never do enough. Sometimes, I even regret not choosing a different path for me. I'm a second guesser.

Right now, I'm working on completing the second part of this award, which is finding 11 other bloggers and asking them 11 questions. Gosh, there are so many of you! I'm working on getting that out ASAP. :-) Unfortunately with the way I work, I only have short spurts where I can actually take the time to get on here, so that's why I need your patience on nominating some other fellow bloggers. :-(

In other news, today. Started out great, ended up awful. One of my supervisors is leaving in two weeks, and there are a lot of PhD defenses going on today. Therefore, I ended up with 4 doughnuts. I ate two. Don't even get me started on WHY because I have no idea other than one of them had strawberry frosting and that is one of my favorites. I wanted to cry afterwards, drinking my Diet Coke...

It's been a rough one. I want to cry about everything.

Any words of wisdom?

Acknowledgements/Sad Update

First off, I would like to thank Skylar Rainn for nominating me for the Liebster Blog award! I'm kind of excited about that! Unfortunately, I don't have time right now to take the time I really want to in order to answer your questions, but that will be my next post! Promise! :-D

I wanted to let you all know that I probably/maybe won't be on very much from now until the end of the year. My boyfriend's dad's house got foreclosed on, and now we have about two weeks to get everything out and find a new place. We're having a bitch of a time finding somewhere. All the apartments we like, we have to make $2400 a month collectively to afford an $800 apartment. We make the $800 easily, but apparently to rent an apartment, you have to make three times the rent a month. Stupid. Especially because we have more than enough to easily have about three years' rent in our bank accounts. They don't count life insurance as income. Stupid fucks.

Anyway, tonight we have an appointment to go through a house that we both fell in love with without even walking through it. Wish us luck! I can't wait to start this journey... being grown up, having a place all our own... is it bad that we already know where we'e putting all our furniture?!


AH SO EXCITED.

Hopefully this is a good end to a tragedy.

Talk to you all soon <3