I Was Almost There...

...and then I ruined it. I had been doing so well at not giving in to temptation and working out when I was supposed to; I was eating right and everything...

Then last night happened. I'm not really sure what triggered it, I couldn't really tell you. I think it was because I made dinner for Austin. He eats so much. In total, I think he ate 8 waffles, 10 eggs, and about 20 sausage links for dinner. Of course, I didn't come anywhere near that amount, but still, I ate way more than I needed to to get that full feeling. It doesn't help that he told me I needed to eat some ice cream while we were watching a movie. I was doing so well at just telling him that it sounded good, but no thanks. The movie was almost over, and I caved. I ate my weight in ice cream and chocolate syrup last night (not literally, but close enough, right?). I woke up this morning and was so depressed about it that I didn't even go to campus with Austin. I decided to just stay at his house and pack up my things... I'm leaving this evening.  I don't want to, nor did this weekend turn out anywhere near the scenario that I had planned. I'm angry, upset, hurt... I'm not sure where to go from here.

We looked at apartments Friday and Saturday, because his house is getting taken away by the bank (his father died before I re-started my blog). It's a big, beautiful house that his father built by himself. It's an awful situation, but the bank wants it. Austin only has until the end of summer to get out, basically. I told him that as long as we split it evenly, we could get an apartment together. I don't know how I feel about it. It's probably because I feel like there is still hope for our relationship. Probably not though, in reality. He never tells me what he is thinking anymore, and that hurts me. I'm not a mind reader. I think that he's still partially hung on this other girl he talks to. Although the reason I came to visit this weekend was because he said, "I'd rather see you this weekend than lose you over two days with her." I don't know what that means, but I came to visit. He avoided having sincere, meaningful conversation the whole time. He was texting on his phone, presumably to the other girl. Then... there is a website I live a private life on. I don't look for people I know. I'm only there to find new friends, etc (and it isn't a dating website! Haha). Apparently he found me on it and was creeping on me, and he wouldn't tell me what his name was. I want to block him, that's it. I don't want him perusing in aspects of my life that he has no business doting in. I'm so mad. I almost want to take that profile down.

So... that's where I am with him. Still frustrated. Still hurt. Still have no idea what he wants. I don't even know why I came to visit now.

Anyway, I have to return to school for the summer, in order to not lose my financial aid and to avoid paying my student loans back for now. My friend Eric reached out to me and said that he has an upstairs room that he would rent to me if I needed it. No strings attached. I'm seriously considering it; there is no pressure of a relationship or making someone happy. Just friends, living together, and growing together.

I don't know what to do.

I learned a lot from this post: I don't know jack diddly squat.

My life, ladies and gentlemen. :-(

xoxo

Question For Everyone...

Has anyone heard from Katie over at Stealing Myself Back From Ana? The last time I heard anything from her was the last time she posted (Feb 10). I know she was having a hard time, and I am beginning to get very worried about her. I just want to know that everything is okay on her end. Does anyone know if she is already in her IOP program or not? I'm hoping that I'm over-reacting on this, and everything is going well on her end. I've caught myself thinking and praying for her lately. I hope our prayers are working. <3

xoxo

Taking A Risk

So it's kind of risky for me to be writing this right now. In fact, the other person in the room with me has already noticed that I'm doing it. He asks, "What are you doing? Are you writing? Are you blogging?" I told him neither. Okay nevermind. Curiosity killed the cat, and he knows I'm on Blogger. Whatever. Sneaky bastard.

Anyway, I'm staying with Austin this weekend. Risky and scary as well, but I really wanted to see him. And apparently likewise. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I mean, yeah, it's great to see him and all, but then all of a sudden he gets depressed and I'm left wondering what the fuck just happened. This was his latest update tonight: Why do I always feel bad when the logical decision is contradicting the emotional decision, and I chose the logical decision?

Honestly, what do I say to that? It could mean so many different things and I don't want it to seem like I'm overreacting. Blah.

Not to mention I feel like I'm gaining weight constantly, even with an up-dose of diet pills. I've had fast food three times (salad and chicken sandwich x2, then two sandwiches) and I'm so sick of it. It made my stomach really upset all three times. Not necessarily a bad thing, considering it left my body rather quickly. I guess I can't complain. Other than that, I haven't been snacking or anything, which for most people would be a triumph. Not for me. I still feel so fat and gross, and Austin doesn't understand. He just doesn't. He's trying to gain weight, not lose it. That makes me so angry it isn't funny. He's always telling me that we should go eat and get food, and go out, and blah dee fucking blah. I DON'T WANT TO. But then again I feel bad... why should I punish him for not knowing what's going on with my brain? I give in so easily... then take three times the amount of diet pills to make up for it. Honestly I just feel so bloated.

I'm not sure what my next step is. I've about 6 pounds in a week, and I feel like this weekend is going to undo all of that. I worked so damn hard to get my weight down, and now.... now it's going to get ruined. :-(

Also I Am Debating....

...whether or not to tell my best friend who may or may not have an ED about my blog.

You know... I just want her to read this all and re-evaluate any thoughts she's having. I want her to see the struggle, anguish, anger, depression, and frustration of it all. It's not fun. For me, this blog is an out from my reality to reflect, connect, and turn back to when I'm having a rough time (which is a lot... unfortunately). This isn't a life I would choose for anyone close to me. Or anyone in general, for that matter.

Should I do it? Or should I still keep it hidden from plain view for a while? I'm not sure. I'm torn because I don't tell anyone here about it. I keep it hidden for a reason. I don't want to raise concern for me; I'm not looking for a pity party. I'm afraid she would judge me for it if she ever saw it. But on the other hand, I feel like maybe... just maybe... if she read through it all, that she would see how awful and senseless it is to pick a lifestyle so hideous. 

I'm not sure what I should do. Thoughts? What would you do if it was your best friend since birth who was struggling and might need help?

Slippery Slope

I officially live like a flipping hermit. Maybe it's good that I moved back, maybe it isn't. I haven't decided yet. I lounge around the basement most of the time. I watched all six seasons of Doctor Who on Netflix... 5 times through. I restarted Lost because I literally got lost in the middle of the 5th season. Two days later and I'm already up to season 3. I spend my time scrounging up money and perusing the internet looking for natural remedies to make my face look pretty and make my eyelashes longer (castor oil and coconut oil... they work. :-P ). I can feel myself slipping into a never ending cycle of endless diet pills, workouts, and constantly trying to keep my mind off of food. My best friend's birthday party is March 8th. I need to drop two dress sizes by then. I already bought the dress and have my date (a wonderful, unsuspecting lad who is tall, handsome, and has the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen... be jealous). I just need to focus for the next two weeks. A dress size a week....

I can do this. I know I can. I finally have my diet pills. I'm trying prunes as a natural laxative at the moment. We'll see if anything happens worth telling... blah.

I've got my days and nights all mixed up as well. I've been pulling all nighters like you wouldn't believe. Basically I've survived on coffee. I can't say I haven't started hearing voices though. This should get interesting.

I've also begun getting closer to my little sister (the ED one). It's really wonderful to hear her side of the story, share laughs, hang out, you know. She's doing wonderfully.  She's healthy, and that's what counts. What scares me is that sometimes I feel like her stories are triggering to me. She tells me something that she used to do to be obsessive about restricting, etc, and then I think about it and try to incorporate it into my diet. Also, my best friend collapsed at work. Whether it was eating related, I have no clue. I do know that she is obsessive about not gaining weight and working out and stuff like that. It's like.... she exhibits all those symptoms and signs that we show, but then when we are together (5 days out of the week), she EATS. She makes food and stuff... I know to God she isn't puking it back up. I just don't know about her. I have my suspicions. I'm not 100% though.... I know after she collapsed, everyone at her work was asking if she had an ED. Her father cornered her when she got home and told her straight to her face that she had an ED. From personal experience, that's not how you go about getting someone help... but I just  don't know.

Not like I can speak for myself, but that's not the point. I can wither away all I need to... just not everyone around me. That's not allowed. No no no no nonono.

I tried kicking my smoking habit. So far, it's going well. Definitely not smoking a pack a day anymore. I'm not making up for it in snacking, either! ;-)

On a completely unrelated note, I really think I should get a penpal. You know, to email and write to and send stuff to. I think it'd be fun. I used to have a penpal from Indonesia. He was awesome. It'd be fun to have another, so if you're a taker, lemme know. :-P

Anyway, it's about 4:30 am right now... I'm off to go watch some Lost, have one last cigarette, and wait for these prunes to do their work (or be a complete failure... a waste of 110 calories. Grr.).

Oh well.... hopefully I will return soon!

Stay sharp, loves.

xx

I Am Alive.

I look back at this picture and see so many things wrong. I'm beginning to slip.

Return From The Underworld

Well, I mean... what do I say? I'm back. It's weird to say that. I wasn't sure when I would be coming back here, but here I am, sitting with my puppy...and across my blog I stumbled.

I've missed everyone so much. I missed being here, catching up on all of you, and keeping myself on track.

So let's see. My boy is no longer in my life. I left him. Everything is with me. I'm using a room in my parents' basement for now, but oh well. It's small, cuddly, and warm. That's the most important thing, right? I've still got my kitties, too. I swear they keep me sane. I've been having a few bad days in a row now, and I felt like I needed to tune back into my outlet. I can't keep it all in and be okay.

I definitely need to help myself out. I need a kick start again. I feel lazy and sluggish, and I can hardly sleep at night. I'm restless and stressed way beyond belief trying to figure out what I want, how to do it, etc... Life is really stressful when you've been shielded and hidden for so long. I feel like I've lost the past three years of my life being in a relationship with A. I've even had a hard time visiting with my friends that I've known since elementary school. I try so hard not to make it awkward, but I just can't help but let it happen. I don't mean to, and I promise I'm a good friend, it's just hard to open up to people now. I feel like a lost puppy.

I'm scared. I really am. When I first got back home, I was really proud of myself. I even had enough strength to do 3 two-day fasts within two weeks. For those of you who read all of my posts, that's a feat in itself. I was doing really really great. Then I let it go for another two weeks. Gained a few pounds, but I wasn't back to a weight that I was scared of.

The past few days I've gotten into a sort of groove, I think. I've lost about 3 pounds in three days, and that's without exercising. I bought some yoga dvds and a cardio dvd; they should be coming in the mail soon. :-)

Today, I've had half a pomegranate, coffee, water, a serving of light cranberry juice, and some homemade tuna salad (I don't use mayo/relish/etc... I use a tiny bit of olive oil, pepper, parsley, diced tomatoes, and two or three cut black olives). The added veggies make it seem like there is a lot more in the bowl, and it actually looks really pretty too. It actually tastes like tuna as opposed to that nasty mayo crap. Probably around 300 calories total for the day. Honestly, I'm probably not gonna make anything later; I feel extremely full right now.

I'm finding that the more I look around the internet for exercise videos and moves, etc, the less I tend to think about food. Looking at a video and feeling like it would be fun to do... it just makes me not hungry. Makes me want to move more.

I've also had a lot of time to look at natural ways to wash my face. I don't have perfect skin, and the skin I do have is really sensitive to things like fragrance and those little scrubby balls that come in face cleansers. I makes my skin really dry and cracks it up. I look like a lizard sometimes. Take my word for it. But anyway, I've been occupying myself with trying to find natural ways to do "insert everyday task here". I found a face wash... olive oil. That's all. You spread the oil on your face, put a hot washcloth over it, and relax for a few minutes. Lightly rinse your face with warm water and PAT dry, don't scrub dry. My face is seriously so bright and so much less blotchy. I couldn't believe it. Also, I use this stuff called tea tree oil; mix it with water on a cottonball and wipe on your face. You feel so tingly and clean... I haven't had a breakout in weeks. Lastly, mix apple cider vinegar with water. Use it as you would a skin toner. I noticed a difference in two days. It's amazing how often we rely on store bought products to do the job, when it's free (and much more effective) doing it yourself.

I'm so incredibly excited about getting back into my routines and incorporating new ones. I feel like I need to do this for me. Even my moods are starting to balance; I still definitely have extremely depressive fits, but I feel like I can act happy easier, and when I'm around my family, I feel my mood mellow out.

Of course, I'm still scared of myself. I'm still trying to learn to trust myself, but I'm having a really hard time doing even that much.