Return From The Underworld

Well, I mean... what do I say? I'm back. It's weird to say that. I wasn't sure when I would be coming back here, but here I am, sitting with my puppy...and across my blog I stumbled.

I've missed everyone so much. I missed being here, catching up on all of you, and keeping myself on track.

So let's see. My boy is no longer in my life. I left him. Everything is with me. I'm using a room in my parents' basement for now, but oh well. It's small, cuddly, and warm. That's the most important thing, right? I've still got my kitties, too. I swear they keep me sane. I've been having a few bad days in a row now, and I felt like I needed to tune back into my outlet. I can't keep it all in and be okay.

I definitely need to help myself out. I need a kick start again. I feel lazy and sluggish, and I can hardly sleep at night. I'm restless and stressed way beyond belief trying to figure out what I want, how to do it, etc... Life is really stressful when you've been shielded and hidden for so long. I feel like I've lost the past three years of my life being in a relationship with A. I've even had a hard time visiting with my friends that I've known since elementary school. I try so hard not to make it awkward, but I just can't help but let it happen. I don't mean to, and I promise I'm a good friend, it's just hard to open up to people now. I feel like a lost puppy.

I'm scared. I really am. When I first got back home, I was really proud of myself. I even had enough strength to do 3 two-day fasts within two weeks. For those of you who read all of my posts, that's a feat in itself. I was doing really really great. Then I let it go for another two weeks. Gained a few pounds, but I wasn't back to a weight that I was scared of.

The past few days I've gotten into a sort of groove, I think. I've lost about 3 pounds in three days, and that's without exercising. I bought some yoga dvds and a cardio dvd; they should be coming in the mail soon. :-)

Today, I've had half a pomegranate, coffee, water, a serving of light cranberry juice, and some homemade tuna salad (I don't use mayo/relish/etc... I use a tiny bit of olive oil, pepper, parsley, diced tomatoes, and two or three cut black olives). The added veggies make it seem like there is a lot more in the bowl, and it actually looks really pretty too. It actually tastes like tuna as opposed to that nasty mayo crap. Probably around 300 calories total for the day. Honestly, I'm probably not gonna make anything later; I feel extremely full right now.

I'm finding that the more I look around the internet for exercise videos and moves, etc, the less I tend to think about food. Looking at a video and feeling like it would be fun to do... it just makes me not hungry. Makes me want to move more.

I've also had a lot of time to look at natural ways to wash my face. I don't have perfect skin, and the skin I do have is really sensitive to things like fragrance and those little scrubby balls that come in face cleansers. I makes my skin really dry and cracks it up. I look like a lizard sometimes. Take my word for it. But anyway, I've been occupying myself with trying to find natural ways to do "insert everyday task here". I found a face wash... olive oil. That's all. You spread the oil on your face, put a hot washcloth over it, and relax for a few minutes. Lightly rinse your face with warm water and PAT dry, don't scrub dry. My face is seriously so bright and so much less blotchy. I couldn't believe it. Also, I use this stuff called tea tree oil; mix it with water on a cottonball and wipe on your face. You feel so tingly and clean... I haven't had a breakout in weeks. Lastly, mix apple cider vinegar with water. Use it as you would a skin toner. I noticed a difference in two days. It's amazing how often we rely on store bought products to do the job, when it's free (and much more effective) doing it yourself.

I'm so incredibly excited about getting back into my routines and incorporating new ones. I feel like I need to do this for me. Even my moods are starting to balance; I still definitely have extremely depressive fits, but I feel like I can act happy easier, and when I'm around my family, I feel my mood mellow out.

Of course, I'm still scared of myself. I'm still trying to learn to trust myself, but I'm having a really hard time doing even that much.

Tonight Is The Night

I'm leaving Austin tonight. I'm going home for the semester. I'm actually doing this. I'm scared, nervous, excited, a little bit of everything right now. I only have a few more hours of him to myself before I leave. I wrote him a long note; I hope he reads it and takes it seriously. I get to take my kittens with me, too. He's letting me. I don't want to say goodbye, but I can't help but look forward to everything that is going to change in the next five months. Maybe after this time apart we will realize what we each really want. It's not like we're not going to see each other, but it still is a scary thing to do. He's all I've known for three years, and now I won't have him in my life every day. That is a scary thought to itself.

We've gone out to eat twice today a midst doing some fun things before I go, but I could hardly eat my food without feeling like I had to vomit. I secretly threw more than half my food away. I feel bad, but at least he was having a nice time. I like it when he smiles.

I'm not sure the next time I will be able to write exactly. It sort of depends how I get settled in and family stuff and such. I mean, it is almost Christmas.

I know I've posted this picture before, but it is my favorite picture of us, ever. I will miss my best friend with all of my heart. I hope we come out of this okay.

Wish me luck. I love you all.

xx

Moving Right Along...

Basically, next week is my last week living with Austin. I am going home for Christmas, but then I am coming back, packing my things, and leaving. I feel really good about going home. I'm pretty sure that it's going to be easier for me to get away with not eating at my house. Both of my parents work, and my sisters are both in school, so... BAM. 

I'm still extremely bittersweet about the whole situation. I'm going to miss Austin like nobody's business, and I still feel like puking whenever I think about it, but I'm going to try it. I think this will be good for me. I think it will help me. Austin said we can still be friends, and I would really like that. I've had friends in Akron tell me that they would come visit me, and that means the world to me.

I'm really scared to make this move. I really, really am. I don't know what's going to happen when I go. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even know how to bring it up to Austin. He doesn't know that I'm leaving, I just always bring it up hypothetically.

I'm not sure how to tell him. 

And this makes me sad.

Here I Am!

So I've taken to finding a bathroom stall that locks and noone else can see me, hear me, or get in. I like it like that. I've been sleeping in this bathroom all week because I haven't been getting enough sleep... yuck.

I found a safe place to go for the weekend. I'm gonna go with my beautiful friend. :-) She has a modelling event tonight, so that will be fun to go see, I hope! I'm anxiously awaiting her to get to campus so we can go buy cigarettes and have fun! I might be partying tonight, but I don't know. I just want to go have fun. I deserve it, no? I hope that this weekend will be fun... I really do. I just want to forget about this week in it's entirety.

Luckily, if I go drinking tonight, it won't really matter too much. I fasted most of yesterday except for a little dinner, and I'm fasting today also. I realized that if I just forget about the food and don't think about my tummy, time passes by pretty quickly. I can't guarantee I can always do that, but with all the stress of this week, it was nice to go to bed with a grumbly tummy. Still, somehow, today I feel exceptionally fat. Maybe it's because I'm wearing skinny jeans, who knows? What I do know is that I need to get another ten pounds off, pronto. I'm pretty sure I turned into an elephant overnight, and that the fasting did absolutely nothing for me. Nothing else to do but try it again! I find that I feel happier when I fast. I don't have to count calories. I don't have to worry about the expensive healthy food. I don't need to worry about looking fat all of the time when I eat, either. Hopefully a few more days of this will get me to where I want to be. I wanted to lose 15 pounds by the end of the year, and since I've only lost about 7, I really need to get on that.

I'm feeling a little self conscious about my arm today, too. It's trying to heal over already, but the shirt I wore doesn't cover it as much as I thought it would. It might just be a coat wearing kind of night instead of showing off my cute top. Blah. Oh well. Whatever keeps people from asking questions. Maybe if we get drunk tonight I'll take it off. People don't care when they're drunk. Maybe there will be cute boys this weekend. It'd be nice to talk to some nice boys in lieu of my now ex-boyfriend. That sounds awful, I know. I'm not sleeping with anyone this weekend though! :-P

I hope my friend gets here soon; she'll know what to do. I hope that seeing her this weekend will give me more motivation to fast and lose those extra pounds by the end of the year. That's a really nice thought. I guess in the mean time I will redo my makeup and see if I can come up with any ways to miraculously make myself look not fat. Hahaha :-)

Strangely, I am dong okay today. My ex had an interview for a really good job this morning, and he wanted me to help him get ready. It felt.... strangely nice to go about it in a friendly way. I felt a lot of pressure off of my chest, that's for sure. Maybe without that pressure, I'll be five pounds lighter! It's a thought. :-P Wishful thinking, that is.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to write much this weekend. It sort of depends on where we go and where we stay, to be honest. Nonetheless, I hope you all have a fantastic weekend.

Stay strong, my pretty friends xx

***Critical Update***

Okay, so this isn't exactly crucial or anything like that, but I came to an amazing conclusion this morning. I had an emergency session with Michael this morning. I called him first thing in the morning because I wasn't sure what else to do; I had no one else to immediately talk to. He was amazing and pulled through. He called me and I was in his office within 10 minutes. He's a terrific guy. We talked, and he said that the things I was telling him were signs of emotional abuse. Since my boyfriend has hit me before (like, a year and a half ago), he said he would give it a year until it got physical again. He told me that nothing about the relationship is healthy, and he thinks that the goings-on between Austin and I are the biggest triggers in my life right now. I think... you know... I realized that today. He asked me why I cut myself last night... it was because of Austin. Why am I so down on myself? Because Austin tells me I'm a failure. Michael said that the only failures are the ones who don't take the step to get help... get out... and heal.

I decided this morning that I am going to take a semester off from school. I will finish this week, work all next week, and Friday will be my release. I am moving my things out of Austin's house, and I am going back home. I know I've talked about going home for a semester with no hard deadlines or actual commitments. This time I am being serious. I can't be in a toxic environment like this, because quite frankly, I think that it will drive me to my edge. I took down my Facebook page and stuff, but I will leave this blog up and continue to update it. I feel safe on here.

I feel good about taking this step. I have a feeling that maybe I'll have second thoughts as we progress through the week, but I'm trying really hard to not think about it. I've already told the most important people in my life that I am leaving, and I hope that makes it seem more real to me .I'm scared... terrified, even... but I will make it through this. 

I want to thank Skylar Rainn for her wonderful, thoughtful comment on my post from last night. That comment gave me the most strength I've had in a really long time, and it really made me think about what my priorities are. I'd like to share her comment, and I hope you read it and find some amount of inner strength. I think that her comment was what made me need to talk to Michael this morning. I realized that I'd had enough, and that I couldn't possibly begin to heal if I didn't take a step back from it all. Sure, it's gonna fucking hurt. A lot. And for a long time. I will become a better person from all of this and I will be able to stand on my own two feet. it just takes time.

"When shit happens like that I just throw myself into work and my diet. I mean - in a few months time I want to be skinny and smart. So show him, you're going to get really skinny, show him what he's lost and pass those exams because you're intelligent. Intelligent enough to know that he's not worth crying about - not until those exams are done. Life has a habit of throwing complete shit in our faces when we need an easier ride. This is a challenge that you ARE going to get through. Every day that aches is still a blessing because it takes you one step further to the best person you can ever be! And I'm here for you so fuck the rest =] xx"

I feel.... content now. Uptight. Scared. Mixed feelings. I'm not really sure what to expect, but I sure as hell hope it works.

<3

F Word

I just got done telling my counselor that I was doing fine, not 5 hours ago.

Since then, my boyfriend's walked out, broke up with me, and I've cut myself... really bad this time. My arm hurts... and I have final exams tomorrow and Friday.

I don't know how much more I can take... yet again. Life just keeps getting worse every day I'm alive.

But For Real Though...

...Every time I try to be happy, I can't be anymore.