Do I Really Need Help That Badly?

So here I am, sitting in bed, taking yet another day off of school. In all honesty I woke up sick this morning and ended up vomiting. I was okay after that, and went back to sleep. When I woke up, my stomach was so empty it hurt, like I wanted to vomit again. The worst got the best of me, and instead of going back to sleep, I ate. It was a lot, but in terms of the binges I have, it was relatively small. two slices of pizza that I shared with my cats, and part of a gyro dinner that my boyfriend had gotten a few days ago. I had some ginger ale with it. Obviously it's not the ginger ale I'm worried about, however. Now I just feel really sick and gross and I might go take another shower. It's windy, rainy, and yucky outside; the weather seems to be reflecting my soul lately.

Friday I had a meeting with my Engineering advisor that went all sorts of wonky. It was supposed to be a meeting about a one credit class that I never went to because I hated it and didn't care about it early on. It ended up with me revealing all my secrets that I never wanted to tell anyone about the past six months. I spilled about how lost I feel not having Austin's father living anymore, I spilled about my grandfather being in the hospital on and off, about my little sister who is in rehab for anorexia, about how my parents don't want me to be in engineering and want me to transfer after this semester, about how it was beginning to physically hurt me.... I don't know what triggered it, but there I was, spilling things I never wanted anyone to know so they wouldn't be sorry for me... right in  front of him. He sort of sat back after the initial spewing and just kind of looked at me like "Oh, wow... okay then... obviously something is wrong here" and proceeded to tell me that although he wasn't equipped to legally give me advice, he would still talk to me and then... he encouraged me to say more. I did. I talked about my relationship with Austin, about the foreclosure papers, how angry I am at my parents, everything. I don't know why it kept coming out, but then I started crying. Why did I do that?! I'm in the freaking engineering college; why the hell should I be complaining about my life and crying? There is no time for it... None at all...

Anyway, after my brain decided to spill everything except my tendency toward kinky sex, my advisor told me that he wanted me to get in contact with the university counselors. He gave me their number, website, hours, location, everything. He said he is going to follow up with both me and the university to make sure that I at least meet with them once. If not, he said he was going to hunt me down. He said I've been through too many struggles (regarding the engineering) to give up now. I really do respect the way he handled my bizarre situation, and I was really thankful that he at least listened, even if he didn't want to, but I'm honestly so scared to meet with a counselor.

I had one when i was in second grade, and one day she just stopped showing up. She quit on me or something. She didn't feel like I needed her anymore. Little did she know that she was my only friend back then. I enjoyed playing the board games that she made up so we could get to know each other and she helped me stop crying for my mom during class. Like, literally I used to cry all the time. I didn't want to get in trouble. If I left my mom without telling her I loved her and I remembered later, i cried. I forgot my homework, I cried. One time I forgot my library books and I bawled my eyes out in the bathroom for the period. I was awful. That stuff continued until 7th grade. It was ridiculous.

Moving along... I'm scared to call this counselor. I don't know what to expect. If worse becomes worse, i can just go once to satisfy my advisor and then stop going, right? But then again, he's such a nice guy that I'd feel bad if I didn't go back. I'm just kind of afraid that they are going to quit on me like that lady in second grade...

I wish I knew what to do...