I need to stick to a diet. I want to be able to model like my beautiful friends. <3
My gorgeous friend that I've talked about a few times, she signed up on a modelling website with another one of her friends, and they got tons of offers to shoot within a few hours. Now, I should be studying for my last engineering exam right now, but truth be told, I NEED THEIR BODIES. They are so fit and thin and tiny and gorgeoussss and I can't shake the thought.
I already texted my friend and told her she needed to send me her diet, ASAP. She lost like, SEVENTY POUNDS! Holy cow! If only I could actually lose 70 pounds... oh my gosh. And I'm not just talking about water weight either. I want to legit lose 70 pounds... at least!
I guess I've foregone studying to wake up to a whole different motivation. I'm scared because obviously I don't have friends that know what I do, about this blog, my insecurities, etc... I'm afraid if I don't have friends or motivation to do this, I won't be able to. I'm just asking you to reach out to me, for me. God knows I can't do this alone, but I just want this so incredibly bad. I need to be beautiful, thin, happy. I want to be the girl that gets all the modelling offers and the one that can wear whatever I fucking want because I can. I just want to be pretty. I want to be like my friends. <3
I'm sitting across from this lady who is like, 400 pounds. I'm not even kidding. She always hobbles in the door around this time and plops her fat ass down on one of the university computers and just... sits there. She just looks so yucky, and I can't help but think that if I don't stick to some kind of diet now, instead of bouncing around and trying things out, that I'm gonna end up like her. I'm gonna be so disgusting. More than I am now, and the thought of that literally drives me insane. Why did I have to be born to be a big tub of fat? God, I am so nasty I can't even look at myself in the mirror these days.
My boyfriend and I were getting cuddly the other day, and I wanted to cry when he tried to take my shirt off. Like, WHYYY would you want to do that?! There is no reason that anyone should want to take any piece of my clothing off. That lard under there isn't meant to be exposed to the world! I just... gah.
I don't understand people, basically.
Do you really want to be a model? Unless you are a super model, I would imagine that it is a hellish life. I have met one or two and they hated it.
ReplyDeleteI agree that 400lbs is a gross out. But from your photo, it is quite clear that your are very slim. How far do you want to go?
To be completely honest, I have no intentions of ever being a model. I'm wayy too insecure to be able to be in the limelight like that! :-P Not to mention the pressure of that lifestyle... I can't imagine living like that. Although the thought is swell and all, it's not something I really aspire to turn into...
DeleteAbout the "how far" question... I honestly couldn't even tell ya. It started with 35 pounds when I started college. I got to the end of that and didn't know what else to do with myself except keep going, sooo... I guess God only knows. I've never actually had a set "STOP" point when it comes to my weight; whatever happens, happens. That's probably an awful mantra in this context, but really I don't know what else to think.
So you will stop when you want to stop? Do you think that will be when you have reached a target weight or when you are satisfied when you look in the mirror? I am not judging or anything but I am curious. I have a teenaged daughter and I am trying to understand more.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel like you are judging me; to be honest I'm pretty open about it, so if you have questions, ask away. I'd rather someone be informed and know the agony because I would never wish anyone to go through this.
ReplyDeleteI love to tell myself that when enough is enough, I can stop, but even in my head, I don't know when that is. To me, it's like this: I know that I want to stop, say, when I am comfortable with my weight and appearance, but then again, my brain also wants me to prove to myself that I can go the extra mile and keep going. It's conflicting and frustrating, and as a result, I don't know when the end will come.