Sometimes I wonder if I have a binge eating disorder with a touch of alcoholism. I feel so helpless.
Right now I'm hungry. I've eaten so many calories' worth in the past three days, it's shocking. Over 5,000 a day for sure, but I didn't keep exact counts. Tonight is a record. Almost a whole bottle of rum for myself. I feel depressed and alcohol makes me feel giggly and alive.
Tonight, however, my boyfriend was over, and he left. Now I'm drunk on rum and pineapple juice. So sugary and calorie laden, but so good. I guess it makes me feel sexy and beautiful, being drunk. I don't have to worry about my appearance. Not like I get drunk in front of anyone. Just me. And my cat. And Netflix. That's all that you need to know. This kind of scares me, being so drunk. I pray I wake up in the morning.But sadly I feel I feel I will be given another day on this earth. Another day off of work feeling hopeless and productive until I begin drinking again.
I won't see my boyfriend tomorrow, and this is sad.
Uggh/ Tooooooooooo many calories this week. I feel gross.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Monday, August 26, 2013
Asking For Help.
These past few months have been absolute hell for me. Since I moved back home, I've been under the watchful eye of my parents, friends, and coworkers. My old laptop died. I feel awful. I look awful. I've had no way to reach out for support when I needed it, and it crushed me. I've gained back most of the weight I had lost right before the winter, and it really shows. I'm here to ask for your support as I try to get back on the path I was pursuing before my support chain and inspiration crumbled beneath me.
I'm a bloody hot mess, I'll admit that much. I finally am starting to feel emotional again. I've even got a new boyfriend, and I adore him dearly. Now, he is my goal at the end of my weight loss (...again). It's kind of funny because he wants to do that p90x junk with me, and I couldn't be happier to oblige.
I miss everything about my journal here. Reading back on some of my old posts, I feel so motivated to claim my life back. Now, with school starting for my sisters, they won't be around much. My dad is going to be working umpteen hours a day, and I'm going to be working and teaching my boyfriend to be a health nut. I know I keep telling myself that I'm ready to just go and DO this finally, but now is my time, for real. I'm just so sick of looking sick and gross and nasty and fat. I absolutely hate part of my life right now, and I hate feeling so sluggish and helpless. I want to be healthy and beautiful and normal looking and thin. I don't even want to say how much weight I've gained since I moved home because it's so awfully embarrassing. I hate being in a house with home cooked meals at night and a boyfriend who is obsessed with ice cream and fast food. It's making me sick, and I know it.
I've found out that I'm vitamin D deficient as well, so I've got to get that normalized again. My hair had begun to fall out, and when they did blood work, that's what was wrong. Yippee. I also found out that I'm lactose intolerant. When I started my job a little while back, I kept getting really sick and had to call off some days and I couldn't figure out why I am always getting stomach aches and head aches and stuff... come to find out my body can't process dairy. Yippee. Dairy certainly limits my diet, and I am nothing more than ecstatic with that.
Please pray that I can finally take this step on my own to nip all my problems in the bud. I really need it. I really, really, really, really do.
I'm a bloody hot mess, I'll admit that much. I finally am starting to feel emotional again. I've even got a new boyfriend, and I adore him dearly. Now, he is my goal at the end of my weight loss (...again). It's kind of funny because he wants to do that p90x junk with me, and I couldn't be happier to oblige.
I miss everything about my journal here. Reading back on some of my old posts, I feel so motivated to claim my life back. Now, with school starting for my sisters, they won't be around much. My dad is going to be working umpteen hours a day, and I'm going to be working and teaching my boyfriend to be a health nut. I know I keep telling myself that I'm ready to just go and DO this finally, but now is my time, for real. I'm just so sick of looking sick and gross and nasty and fat. I absolutely hate part of my life right now, and I hate feeling so sluggish and helpless. I want to be healthy and beautiful and normal looking and thin. I don't even want to say how much weight I've gained since I moved home because it's so awfully embarrassing. I hate being in a house with home cooked meals at night and a boyfriend who is obsessed with ice cream and fast food. It's making me sick, and I know it.
I've found out that I'm vitamin D deficient as well, so I've got to get that normalized again. My hair had begun to fall out, and when they did blood work, that's what was wrong. Yippee. I also found out that I'm lactose intolerant. When I started my job a little while back, I kept getting really sick and had to call off some days and I couldn't figure out why I am always getting stomach aches and head aches and stuff... come to find out my body can't process dairy. Yippee. Dairy certainly limits my diet, and I am nothing more than ecstatic with that.
Please pray that I can finally take this step on my own to nip all my problems in the bud. I really need it. I really, really, really, really do.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
An Attempt To Be A Tad Healthier
I've decided that I want to try to eat in a vegetarian manner.
I think it will be good for me to at least try. My little sister is a vegetarian, and she always feels healthy and pretty and bright. Part of this is motivation to get healthier and lose some weight, but I've also read some things about meat that kind of startle me. My parents will think I am insane, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. A part of me also thinks that taking this step will help me ward off this ED bullcrap. I know, I know... it's a stretch, but there is always that sliver of hope that motivates me even more. I've been scouring Pinterest for healthy veggie foods and looking at ways to replace the protein I would be losing by not eating meat. So far, I've found some great recipes and ideas. I also found a ton of workout things that I am dying to try!
Let's see where this gets me.
I think it will be good for me to at least try. My little sister is a vegetarian, and she always feels healthy and pretty and bright. Part of this is motivation to get healthier and lose some weight, but I've also read some things about meat that kind of startle me. My parents will think I am insane, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. A part of me also thinks that taking this step will help me ward off this ED bullcrap. I know, I know... it's a stretch, but there is always that sliver of hope that motivates me even more. I've been scouring Pinterest for healthy veggie foods and looking at ways to replace the protein I would be losing by not eating meat. So far, I've found some great recipes and ideas. I also found a ton of workout things that I am dying to try!
Let's see where this gets me.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Bored In A Fast Food Joint
Well, here I am. I'm sitting at a McDonalds and trying helplessly to not feel sorry for myself. When I got out of bed, I downed 2 diet pills right off the bat. Just in case. Then I took two more once I was up and at 'em (basically right before I ate). I had a side salad (20 cal) and a half of a Southwest dressing packet (50 cal) for lunch. I topped it off with a couple glasses of water. Maybe the water will carry the fat nasties away. Uggh. My dad is coming to get me later today, and I made a promise to myself that I was going to work out... way more than normal... tonight. I need to get my weight back down for this Friday. It's my best friend's birthday party, and I might have a date. ;-) Actually, more like my friend Eric; the one who said I could live in his upstairs bedroom. Haha. Oh well. I'd rather go with a friend than a romantic partner anyway. Way less pressure = way more fun.
I'm thinking about fasting Tuesday and Wednesday, and liquid fasting Thursday and Friday. Not exceptionally ideal, but my reasoning is that Tues/Wed, I can work out to my heart's content and basically do a "last chance workout" like on The Biggest Loser. Then, Thurs/Fri, I can get a limited number of calories from liquid (within reason) so that I will garner a little more energy to go out Friday night. This isn't what I was hoping to do, but this weekend ruined me. I hardly kept up with myfitnesspal, I didn't pay attention half the time to what I was eating. Uggh. I hate being away from home. I tend to mess up a lot more when I'm not following my normal schedule. Then I feel like crap. I'm going to be a huge fat hot mess this Friday. I'll end up wearing a black turtleneck and old lady pants to hide the fat. Sucks... I really wanted to look good in the dress I bought. :(
I'm thinking about fasting Tuesday and Wednesday, and liquid fasting Thursday and Friday. Not exceptionally ideal, but my reasoning is that Tues/Wed, I can work out to my heart's content and basically do a "last chance workout" like on The Biggest Loser. Then, Thurs/Fri, I can get a limited number of calories from liquid (within reason) so that I will garner a little more energy to go out Friday night. This isn't what I was hoping to do, but this weekend ruined me. I hardly kept up with myfitnesspal, I didn't pay attention half the time to what I was eating. Uggh. I hate being away from home. I tend to mess up a lot more when I'm not following my normal schedule. Then I feel like crap. I'm going to be a huge fat hot mess this Friday. I'll end up wearing a black turtleneck and old lady pants to hide the fat. Sucks... I really wanted to look good in the dress I bought. :(
It isn't me in the dress, but this is what it looks like. I was supposed to be happy and comfortable in it, and now I don't even know what I'll look like. Probably horrendous. Oh God. Eric is going to see me in that dress and think I'm the fat gross friend. He won't want me to move in with him. Oh dear Lord. I need to burn some calories and stop giving in. Why can't I just follow the simplest of rules? UGGH.
Well, if nothing else, at least the dress is cute?
I Was Almost There...
...and then I ruined it. I had been doing so well at not giving in to temptation and working out when I was supposed to; I was eating right and everything...
Then last night happened. I'm not really sure what triggered it, I couldn't really tell you. I think it was because I made dinner for Austin. He eats so much. In total, I think he ate 8 waffles, 10 eggs, and about 20 sausage links for dinner. Of course, I didn't come anywhere near that amount, but still, I ate way more than I needed to to get that full feeling. It doesn't help that he told me I needed to eat some ice cream while we were watching a movie. I was doing so well at just telling him that it sounded good, but no thanks. The movie was almost over, and I caved. I ate my weight in ice cream and chocolate syrup last night (not literally, but close enough, right?). I woke up this morning and was so depressed about it that I didn't even go to campus with Austin. I decided to just stay at his house and pack up my things... I'm leaving this evening. I don't want to, nor did this weekend turn out anywhere near the scenario that I had planned. I'm angry, upset, hurt... I'm not sure where to go from here.
We looked at apartments Friday and Saturday, because his house is getting taken away by the bank (his father died before I re-started my blog). It's a big, beautiful house that his father built by himself. It's an awful situation, but the bank wants it. Austin only has until the end of summer to get out, basically. I told him that as long as we split it evenly, we could get an apartment together. I don't know how I feel about it. It's probably because I feel like there is still hope for our relationship. Probably not though, in reality. He never tells me what he is thinking anymore, and that hurts me. I'm not a mind reader. I think that he's still partially hung on this other girl he talks to. Although the reason I came to visit this weekend was because he said, "I'd rather see you this weekend than lose you over two days with her." I don't know what that means, but I came to visit. He avoided having sincere, meaningful conversation the whole time. He was texting on his phone, presumably to the other girl. Then... there is a website I live a private life on. I don't look for people I know. I'm only there to find new friends, etc (and it isn't a dating website! Haha). Apparently he found me on it and was creeping on me, and he wouldn't tell me what his name was. I want to block him, that's it. I don't want him perusing in aspects of my life that he has no business doting in. I'm so mad. I almost want to take that profile down.
So... that's where I am with him. Still frustrated. Still hurt. Still have no idea what he wants. I don't even know why I came to visit now.
Anyway, I have to return to school for the summer, in order to not lose my financial aid and to avoid paying my student loans back for now. My friend Eric reached out to me and said that he has an upstairs room that he would rent to me if I needed it. No strings attached. I'm seriously considering it; there is no pressure of a relationship or making someone happy. Just friends, living together, and growing together.
I don't know what to do.
I learned a lot from this post: I don't know jack diddly squat.
My life, ladies and gentlemen. :-(
xoxo
Then last night happened. I'm not really sure what triggered it, I couldn't really tell you. I think it was because I made dinner for Austin. He eats so much. In total, I think he ate 8 waffles, 10 eggs, and about 20 sausage links for dinner. Of course, I didn't come anywhere near that amount, but still, I ate way more than I needed to to get that full feeling. It doesn't help that he told me I needed to eat some ice cream while we were watching a movie. I was doing so well at just telling him that it sounded good, but no thanks. The movie was almost over, and I caved. I ate my weight in ice cream and chocolate syrup last night (not literally, but close enough, right?). I woke up this morning and was so depressed about it that I didn't even go to campus with Austin. I decided to just stay at his house and pack up my things... I'm leaving this evening. I don't want to, nor did this weekend turn out anywhere near the scenario that I had planned. I'm angry, upset, hurt... I'm not sure where to go from here.
We looked at apartments Friday and Saturday, because his house is getting taken away by the bank (his father died before I re-started my blog). It's a big, beautiful house that his father built by himself. It's an awful situation, but the bank wants it. Austin only has until the end of summer to get out, basically. I told him that as long as we split it evenly, we could get an apartment together. I don't know how I feel about it. It's probably because I feel like there is still hope for our relationship. Probably not though, in reality. He never tells me what he is thinking anymore, and that hurts me. I'm not a mind reader. I think that he's still partially hung on this other girl he talks to. Although the reason I came to visit this weekend was because he said, "I'd rather see you this weekend than lose you over two days with her." I don't know what that means, but I came to visit. He avoided having sincere, meaningful conversation the whole time. He was texting on his phone, presumably to the other girl. Then... there is a website I live a private life on. I don't look for people I know. I'm only there to find new friends, etc (and it isn't a dating website! Haha). Apparently he found me on it and was creeping on me, and he wouldn't tell me what his name was. I want to block him, that's it. I don't want him perusing in aspects of my life that he has no business doting in. I'm so mad. I almost want to take that profile down.
So... that's where I am with him. Still frustrated. Still hurt. Still have no idea what he wants. I don't even know why I came to visit now.
Anyway, I have to return to school for the summer, in order to not lose my financial aid and to avoid paying my student loans back for now. My friend Eric reached out to me and said that he has an upstairs room that he would rent to me if I needed it. No strings attached. I'm seriously considering it; there is no pressure of a relationship or making someone happy. Just friends, living together, and growing together.
I don't know what to do.
I learned a lot from this post: I don't know jack diddly squat.
My life, ladies and gentlemen. :-(
xoxo
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Question For Everyone...
Has anyone heard from Katie over at Stealing Myself Back From Ana? The last time I heard anything from her was the last time she posted (Feb 10). I know she was having a hard time, and I am beginning to get very worried about her. I just want to know that everything is okay on her end. Does anyone know if she is already in her IOP program or not? I'm hoping that I'm over-reacting on this, and everything is going well on her end. I've caught myself thinking and praying for her lately. I hope our prayers are working. <3
xoxo
xoxo
Friday, March 1, 2013
Taking A Risk
So it's kind of risky for me to be writing this right now. In fact, the other person in the room with me has already noticed that I'm doing it. He asks, "What are you doing? Are you writing? Are you blogging?" I told him neither. Okay nevermind. Curiosity killed the cat, and he knows I'm on Blogger. Whatever. Sneaky bastard.
Anyway, I'm staying with Austin this weekend. Risky and scary as well, but I really wanted to see him. And apparently likewise. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I mean, yeah, it's great to see him and all, but then all of a sudden he gets depressed and I'm left wondering what the fuck just happened. This was his latest update tonight: Why do I always feel bad when the logical decision is contradicting the emotional decision, and I chose the logical decision?
Honestly, what do I say to that? It could mean so many different things and I don't want it to seem like I'm overreacting. Blah.
Not to mention I feel like I'm gaining weight constantly, even with an up-dose of diet pills. I've had fast food three times (salad and chicken sandwich x2, then two sandwiches) and I'm so sick of it. It made my stomach really upset all three times. Not necessarily a bad thing, considering it left my body rather quickly. I guess I can't complain. Other than that, I haven't been snacking or anything, which for most people would be a triumph. Not for me. I still feel so fat and gross, and Austin doesn't understand. He just doesn't. He's trying to gain weight, not lose it. That makes me so angry it isn't funny. He's always telling me that we should go eat and get food, and go out, and blah dee fucking blah. I DON'T WANT TO. But then again I feel bad... why should I punish him for not knowing what's going on with my brain? I give in so easily... then take three times the amount of diet pills to make up for it. Honestly I just feel so bloated.
I'm not sure what my next step is. I've about 6 pounds in a week, and I feel like this weekend is going to undo all of that. I worked so damn hard to get my weight down, and now.... now it's going to get ruined. :-(
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Also I Am Debating....
...whether or not to tell my best friend who may or may not have an ED about my blog.
You know... I just want her to read this all and re-evaluate any thoughts she's having. I want her to see the struggle, anguish, anger, depression, and frustration of it all. It's not fun. For me, this blog is an out from my reality to reflect, connect, and turn back to when I'm having a rough time (which is a lot... unfortunately). This isn't a life I would choose for anyone close to me. Or anyone in general, for that matter.
Should I do it? Or should I still keep it hidden from plain view for a while? I'm not sure. I'm torn because I don't tell anyone here about it. I keep it hidden for a reason. I don't want to raise concern for me; I'm not looking for a pity party. I'm afraid she would judge me for it if she ever saw it. But on the other hand, I feel like maybe... just maybe... if she read through it all, that she would see how awful and senseless it is to pick a lifestyle so hideous.
I'm not sure what I should do. Thoughts? What would you do if it was your best friend since birth who was struggling and might need help?
Slippery Slope
I officially live like a flipping hermit. Maybe it's good that I moved back, maybe it isn't. I haven't decided yet. I lounge around the basement most of the time. I watched all six seasons of Doctor Who on Netflix... 5 times through. I restarted Lost because I literally got lost in the middle of the 5th season. Two days later and I'm already up to season 3. I spend my time scrounging up money and perusing the internet looking for natural remedies to make my face look pretty and make my eyelashes longer (castor oil and coconut oil... they work. :-P ). I can feel myself slipping into a never ending cycle of endless diet pills, workouts, and constantly trying to keep my mind off of food. My best friend's birthday party is March 8th. I need to drop two dress sizes by then. I already bought the dress and have my date (a wonderful, unsuspecting lad who is tall, handsome, and has the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen... be jealous). I just need to focus for the next two weeks. A dress size a week....
I can do this. I know I can. I finally have my diet pills. I'm trying prunes as a natural laxative at the moment. We'll see if anything happens worth telling... blah.
I've got my days and nights all mixed up as well. I've been pulling all nighters like you wouldn't believe. Basically I've survived on coffee. I can't say I haven't started hearing voices though. This should get interesting.
I've also begun getting closer to my little sister (the ED one). It's really wonderful to hear her side of the story, share laughs, hang out, you know. She's doing wonderfully. She's healthy, and that's what counts. What scares me is that sometimes I feel like her stories are triggering to me. She tells me something that she used to do to be obsessive about restricting, etc, and then I think about it and try to incorporate it into my diet. Also, my best friend collapsed at work. Whether it was eating related, I have no clue. I do know that she is obsessive about not gaining weight and working out and stuff like that. It's like.... she exhibits all those symptoms and signs that we show, but then when we are together (5 days out of the week), she EATS. She makes food and stuff... I know to God she isn't puking it back up. I just don't know about her. I have my suspicions. I'm not 100% though.... I know after she collapsed, everyone at her work was asking if she had an ED. Her father cornered her when she got home and told her straight to her face that she had an ED. From personal experience, that's not how you go about getting someone help... but I just don't know.
Not like I can speak for myself, but that's not the point. I can wither away all I need to... just not everyone around me. That's not allowed. No no no no nonono.
I tried kicking my smoking habit. So far, it's going well. Definitely not smoking a pack a day anymore. I'm not making up for it in snacking, either! ;-)
On a completely unrelated note, I really think I should get a penpal. You know, to email and write to and send stuff to. I think it'd be fun. I used to have a penpal from Indonesia. He was awesome. It'd be fun to have another, so if you're a taker, lemme know. :-P
Anyway, it's about 4:30 am right now... I'm off to go watch some Lost, have one last cigarette, and wait for these prunes to do their work (or be a complete failure... a waste of 110 calories. Grr.).
Oh well.... hopefully I will return soon!
Stay sharp, loves.
xx
I've got my days and nights all mixed up as well. I've been pulling all nighters like you wouldn't believe. Basically I've survived on coffee. I can't say I haven't started hearing voices though. This should get interesting.
I've also begun getting closer to my little sister (the ED one). It's really wonderful to hear her side of the story, share laughs, hang out, you know. She's doing wonderfully. She's healthy, and that's what counts. What scares me is that sometimes I feel like her stories are triggering to me. She tells me something that she used to do to be obsessive about restricting, etc, and then I think about it and try to incorporate it into my diet. Also, my best friend collapsed at work. Whether it was eating related, I have no clue. I do know that she is obsessive about not gaining weight and working out and stuff like that. It's like.... she exhibits all those symptoms and signs that we show, but then when we are together (5 days out of the week), she EATS. She makes food and stuff... I know to God she isn't puking it back up. I just don't know about her. I have my suspicions. I'm not 100% though.... I know after she collapsed, everyone at her work was asking if she had an ED. Her father cornered her when she got home and told her straight to her face that she had an ED. From personal experience, that's not how you go about getting someone help... but I just don't know.
Not like I can speak for myself, but that's not the point. I can wither away all I need to... just not everyone around me. That's not allowed. No no no no nonono.
I tried kicking my smoking habit. So far, it's going well. Definitely not smoking a pack a day anymore. I'm not making up for it in snacking, either! ;-)
On a completely unrelated note, I really think I should get a penpal. You know, to email and write to and send stuff to. I think it'd be fun. I used to have a penpal from Indonesia. He was awesome. It'd be fun to have another, so if you're a taker, lemme know. :-P
Anyway, it's about 4:30 am right now... I'm off to go watch some Lost, have one last cigarette, and wait for these prunes to do their work (or be a complete failure... a waste of 110 calories. Grr.).
Oh well.... hopefully I will return soon!
Stay sharp, loves.
xx
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Return From The Underworld
Well, I mean... what do I say? I'm back. It's weird to say that. I wasn't sure when I would be coming back here, but here I am, sitting with my puppy...and across my blog I stumbled.
I've missed everyone so much. I missed being here, catching up on all of you, and keeping myself on track.
So let's see. My boy is no longer in my life. I left him. Everything is with me. I'm using a room in my parents' basement for now, but oh well. It's small, cuddly, and warm. That's the most important thing, right? I've still got my kitties, too. I swear they keep me sane. I've been having a few bad days in a row now, and I felt like I needed to tune back into my outlet. I can't keep it all in and be okay.
I definitely need to help myself out. I need a kick start again. I feel lazy and sluggish, and I can hardly sleep at night. I'm restless and stressed way beyond belief trying to figure out what I want, how to do it, etc... Life is really stressful when you've been shielded and hidden for so long. I feel like I've lost the past three years of my life being in a relationship with A. I've even had a hard time visiting with my friends that I've known since elementary school. I try so hard not to make it awkward, but I just can't help but let it happen. I don't mean to, and I promise I'm a good friend, it's just hard to open up to people now. I feel like a lost puppy.
I'm scared. I really am. When I first got back home, I was really proud of myself. I even had enough strength to do 3 two-day fasts within two weeks. For those of you who read all of my posts, that's a feat in itself. I was doing really really great. Then I let it go for another two weeks. Gained a few pounds, but I wasn't back to a weight that I was scared of.
The past few days I've gotten into a sort of groove, I think. I've lost about 3 pounds in three days, and that's without exercising. I bought some yoga dvds and a cardio dvd; they should be coming in the mail soon. :-)
Today, I've had half a pomegranate, coffee, water, a serving of light cranberry juice, and some homemade tuna salad (I don't use mayo/relish/etc... I use a tiny bit of olive oil, pepper, parsley, diced tomatoes, and two or three cut black olives). The added veggies make it seem like there is a lot more in the bowl, and it actually looks really pretty too. It actually tastes like tuna as opposed to that nasty mayo crap. Probably around 300 calories total for the day. Honestly, I'm probably not gonna make anything later; I feel extremely full right now.
I'm finding that the more I look around the internet for exercise videos and moves, etc, the less I tend to think about food. Looking at a video and feeling like it would be fun to do... it just makes me not hungry. Makes me want to move more.
I've also had a lot of time to look at natural ways to wash my face. I don't have perfect skin, and the skin I do have is really sensitive to things like fragrance and those little scrubby balls that come in face cleansers. I makes my skin really dry and cracks it up. I look like a lizard sometimes. Take my word for it. But anyway, I've been occupying myself with trying to find natural ways to do "insert everyday task here". I found a face wash... olive oil. That's all. You spread the oil on your face, put a hot washcloth over it, and relax for a few minutes. Lightly rinse your face with warm water and PAT dry, don't scrub dry. My face is seriously so bright and so much less blotchy. I couldn't believe it. Also, I use this stuff called tea tree oil; mix it with water on a cottonball and wipe on your face. You feel so tingly and clean... I haven't had a breakout in weeks. Lastly, mix apple cider vinegar with water. Use it as you would a skin toner. I noticed a difference in two days. It's amazing how often we rely on store bought products to do the job, when it's free (and much more effective) doing it yourself.
I'm so incredibly excited about getting back into my routines and incorporating new ones. I feel like I need to do this for me. Even my moods are starting to balance; I still definitely have extremely depressive fits, but I feel like I can act happy easier, and when I'm around my family, I feel my mood mellow out.
Of course, I'm still scared of myself. I'm still trying to learn to trust myself, but I'm having a really hard time doing even that much.
I've missed everyone so much. I missed being here, catching up on all of you, and keeping myself on track.
So let's see. My boy is no longer in my life. I left him. Everything is with me. I'm using a room in my parents' basement for now, but oh well. It's small, cuddly, and warm. That's the most important thing, right? I've still got my kitties, too. I swear they keep me sane. I've been having a few bad days in a row now, and I felt like I needed to tune back into my outlet. I can't keep it all in and be okay.
I definitely need to help myself out. I need a kick start again. I feel lazy and sluggish, and I can hardly sleep at night. I'm restless and stressed way beyond belief trying to figure out what I want, how to do it, etc... Life is really stressful when you've been shielded and hidden for so long. I feel like I've lost the past three years of my life being in a relationship with A. I've even had a hard time visiting with my friends that I've known since elementary school. I try so hard not to make it awkward, but I just can't help but let it happen. I don't mean to, and I promise I'm a good friend, it's just hard to open up to people now. I feel like a lost puppy.
I'm scared. I really am. When I first got back home, I was really proud of myself. I even had enough strength to do 3 two-day fasts within two weeks. For those of you who read all of my posts, that's a feat in itself. I was doing really really great. Then I let it go for another two weeks. Gained a few pounds, but I wasn't back to a weight that I was scared of.
The past few days I've gotten into a sort of groove, I think. I've lost about 3 pounds in three days, and that's without exercising. I bought some yoga dvds and a cardio dvd; they should be coming in the mail soon. :-)
Today, I've had half a pomegranate, coffee, water, a serving of light cranberry juice, and some homemade tuna salad (I don't use mayo/relish/etc... I use a tiny bit of olive oil, pepper, parsley, diced tomatoes, and two or three cut black olives). The added veggies make it seem like there is a lot more in the bowl, and it actually looks really pretty too. It actually tastes like tuna as opposed to that nasty mayo crap. Probably around 300 calories total for the day. Honestly, I'm probably not gonna make anything later; I feel extremely full right now.
I'm finding that the more I look around the internet for exercise videos and moves, etc, the less I tend to think about food. Looking at a video and feeling like it would be fun to do... it just makes me not hungry. Makes me want to move more.
I've also had a lot of time to look at natural ways to wash my face. I don't have perfect skin, and the skin I do have is really sensitive to things like fragrance and those little scrubby balls that come in face cleansers. I makes my skin really dry and cracks it up. I look like a lizard sometimes. Take my word for it. But anyway, I've been occupying myself with trying to find natural ways to do "insert everyday task here". I found a face wash... olive oil. That's all. You spread the oil on your face, put a hot washcloth over it, and relax for a few minutes. Lightly rinse your face with warm water and PAT dry, don't scrub dry. My face is seriously so bright and so much less blotchy. I couldn't believe it. Also, I use this stuff called tea tree oil; mix it with water on a cottonball and wipe on your face. You feel so tingly and clean... I haven't had a breakout in weeks. Lastly, mix apple cider vinegar with water. Use it as you would a skin toner. I noticed a difference in two days. It's amazing how often we rely on store bought products to do the job, when it's free (and much more effective) doing it yourself.
I'm so incredibly excited about getting back into my routines and incorporating new ones. I feel like I need to do this for me. Even my moods are starting to balance; I still definitely have extremely depressive fits, but I feel like I can act happy easier, and when I'm around my family, I feel my mood mellow out.
Of course, I'm still scared of myself. I'm still trying to learn to trust myself, but I'm having a really hard time doing even that much.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Tonight Is The Night
I'm leaving Austin tonight. I'm going home for the semester. I'm actually doing this. I'm scared, nervous, excited, a little bit of everything right now. I only have a few more hours of him to myself before I leave. I wrote him a long note; I hope he reads it and takes it seriously. I get to take my kittens with me, too. He's letting me. I don't want to say goodbye, but I can't help but look forward to everything that is going to change in the next five months. Maybe after this time apart we will realize what we each really want. It's not like we're not going to see each other, but it still is a scary thing to do. He's all I've known for three years, and now I won't have him in my life every day. That is a scary thought to itself.
We've gone out to eat twice today a midst doing some fun things before I go, but I could hardly eat my food without feeling like I had to vomit. I secretly threw more than half my food away. I feel bad, but at least he was having a nice time. I like it when he smiles.
I'm not sure the next time I will be able to write exactly. It sort of depends how I get settled in and family stuff and such. I mean, it is almost Christmas.
Wish me luck. I love you all.
xx
We've gone out to eat twice today a midst doing some fun things before I go, but I could hardly eat my food without feeling like I had to vomit. I secretly threw more than half my food away. I feel bad, but at least he was having a nice time. I like it when he smiles.
I'm not sure the next time I will be able to write exactly. It sort of depends how I get settled in and family stuff and such. I mean, it is almost Christmas.
I know I've posted this picture before, but it is my favorite picture of us, ever. I will miss my best friend with all of my heart. I hope we come out of this okay.
Wish me luck. I love you all.
xx
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Moving Right Along...
Basically, next week is my last week living with Austin. I am going home for Christmas, but then I am coming back, packing my things, and leaving. I feel really good about going home. I'm pretty sure that it's going to be easier for me to get away with not eating at my house. Both of my parents work, and my sisters are both in school, so... BAM.
I'm still extremely bittersweet about the whole situation. I'm going to miss Austin like nobody's business, and I still feel like puking whenever I think about it, but I'm going to try it. I think this will be good for me. I think it will help me. Austin said we can still be friends, and I would really like that. I've had friends in Akron tell me that they would come visit me, and that means the world to me.
I'm really scared to make this move. I really, really am. I don't know what's going to happen when I go. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even know how to bring it up to Austin. He doesn't know that I'm leaving, I just always bring it up hypothetically.
I'm not sure how to tell him.
And this makes me sad.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Here I Am!
So I've taken to finding a bathroom stall that locks and noone else can see me, hear me, or get in. I like it like that. I've been sleeping in this bathroom all week because I haven't been getting enough sleep... yuck.
I found a safe place to go for the weekend. I'm gonna go with my beautiful friend. :-) She has a modelling event tonight, so that will be fun to go see, I hope! I'm anxiously awaiting her to get to campus so we can go buy cigarettes and have fun! I might be partying tonight, but I don't know. I just want to go have fun. I deserve it, no? I hope that this weekend will be fun... I really do. I just want to forget about this week in it's entirety.
Luckily, if I go drinking tonight, it won't really matter too much. I fasted most of yesterday except for a little dinner, and I'm fasting today also. I realized that if I just forget about the food and don't think about my tummy, time passes by pretty quickly. I can't guarantee I can always do that, but with all the stress of this week, it was nice to go to bed with a grumbly tummy. Still, somehow, today I feel exceptionally fat. Maybe it's because I'm wearing skinny jeans, who knows? What I do know is that I need to get another ten pounds off, pronto. I'm pretty sure I turned into an elephant overnight, and that the fasting did absolutely nothing for me. Nothing else to do but try it again! I find that I feel happier when I fast. I don't have to count calories. I don't have to worry about the expensive healthy food. I don't need to worry about looking fat all of the time when I eat, either. Hopefully a few more days of this will get me to where I want to be. I wanted to lose 15 pounds by the end of the year, and since I've only lost about 7, I really need to get on that.
I'm feeling a little self conscious about my arm today, too. It's trying to heal over already, but the shirt I wore doesn't cover it as much as I thought it would. It might just be a coat wearing kind of night instead of showing off my cute top. Blah. Oh well. Whatever keeps people from asking questions. Maybe if we get drunk tonight I'll take it off. People don't care when they're drunk. Maybe there will be cute boys this weekend. It'd be nice to talk to some nice boys in lieu of my now ex-boyfriend. That sounds awful, I know. I'm not sleeping with anyone this weekend though! :-P
I hope my friend gets here soon; she'll know what to do. I hope that seeing her this weekend will give me more motivation to fast and lose those extra pounds by the end of the year. That's a really nice thought. I guess in the mean time I will redo my makeup and see if I can come up with any ways to miraculously make myself look not fat. Hahaha :-)
Strangely, I am dong okay today. My ex had an interview for a really good job this morning, and he wanted me to help him get ready. It felt.... strangely nice to go about it in a friendly way. I felt a lot of pressure off of my chest, that's for sure. Maybe without that pressure, I'll be five pounds lighter! It's a thought. :-P Wishful thinking, that is.
I'm not sure if I'll be able to write much this weekend. It sort of depends on where we go and where we stay, to be honest. Nonetheless, I hope you all have a fantastic weekend.
Stay strong, my pretty friends xx
I found a safe place to go for the weekend. I'm gonna go with my beautiful friend. :-) She has a modelling event tonight, so that will be fun to go see, I hope! I'm anxiously awaiting her to get to campus so we can go buy cigarettes and have fun! I might be partying tonight, but I don't know. I just want to go have fun. I deserve it, no? I hope that this weekend will be fun... I really do. I just want to forget about this week in it's entirety.
Luckily, if I go drinking tonight, it won't really matter too much. I fasted most of yesterday except for a little dinner, and I'm fasting today also. I realized that if I just forget about the food and don't think about my tummy, time passes by pretty quickly. I can't guarantee I can always do that, but with all the stress of this week, it was nice to go to bed with a grumbly tummy. Still, somehow, today I feel exceptionally fat. Maybe it's because I'm wearing skinny jeans, who knows? What I do know is that I need to get another ten pounds off, pronto. I'm pretty sure I turned into an elephant overnight, and that the fasting did absolutely nothing for me. Nothing else to do but try it again! I find that I feel happier when I fast. I don't have to count calories. I don't have to worry about the expensive healthy food. I don't need to worry about looking fat all of the time when I eat, either. Hopefully a few more days of this will get me to where I want to be. I wanted to lose 15 pounds by the end of the year, and since I've only lost about 7, I really need to get on that.
I'm feeling a little self conscious about my arm today, too. It's trying to heal over already, but the shirt I wore doesn't cover it as much as I thought it would. It might just be a coat wearing kind of night instead of showing off my cute top. Blah. Oh well. Whatever keeps people from asking questions. Maybe if we get drunk tonight I'll take it off. People don't care when they're drunk. Maybe there will be cute boys this weekend. It'd be nice to talk to some nice boys in lieu of my now ex-boyfriend. That sounds awful, I know. I'm not sleeping with anyone this weekend though! :-P
I hope my friend gets here soon; she'll know what to do. I hope that seeing her this weekend will give me more motivation to fast and lose those extra pounds by the end of the year. That's a really nice thought. I guess in the mean time I will redo my makeup and see if I can come up with any ways to miraculously make myself look not fat. Hahaha :-)
Strangely, I am dong okay today. My ex had an interview for a really good job this morning, and he wanted me to help him get ready. It felt.... strangely nice to go about it in a friendly way. I felt a lot of pressure off of my chest, that's for sure. Maybe without that pressure, I'll be five pounds lighter! It's a thought. :-P Wishful thinking, that is.
I'm not sure if I'll be able to write much this weekend. It sort of depends on where we go and where we stay, to be honest. Nonetheless, I hope you all have a fantastic weekend.
Stay strong, my pretty friends xx
Thursday, December 13, 2012
***Critical Update***
Okay, so this isn't exactly crucial or anything like that, but I came to an amazing conclusion this morning. I had an emergency session with Michael this morning. I called him first thing in the morning because I wasn't sure what else to do; I had no one else to immediately talk to. He was amazing and pulled through. He called me and I was in his office within 10 minutes. He's a terrific guy. We talked, and he said that the things I was telling him were signs of emotional abuse. Since my boyfriend has hit me before (like, a year and a half ago), he said he would give it a year until it got physical again. He told me that nothing about the relationship is healthy, and he thinks that the goings-on between Austin and I are the biggest triggers in my life right now. I think... you know... I realized that today. He asked me why I cut myself last night... it was because of Austin. Why am I so down on myself? Because Austin tells me I'm a failure. Michael said that the only failures are the ones who don't take the step to get help... get out... and heal.
I decided this morning that I am going to take a semester off from school. I will finish this week, work all next week, and Friday will be my release. I am moving my things out of Austin's house, and I am going back home. I know I've talked about going home for a semester with no hard deadlines or actual commitments. This time I am being serious. I can't be in a toxic environment like this, because quite frankly, I think that it will drive me to my edge. I took down my Facebook page and stuff, but I will leave this blog up and continue to update it. I feel safe on here.
I feel good about taking this step. I have a feeling that maybe I'll have second thoughts as we progress through the week, but I'm trying really hard to not think about it. I've already told the most important people in my life that I am leaving, and I hope that makes it seem more real to me .I'm scared... terrified, even... but I will make it through this.
I want to thank Skylar Rainn for her wonderful, thoughtful comment on my post from last night. That comment gave me the most strength I've had in a really long time, and it really made me think about what my priorities are. I'd like to share her comment, and I hope you read it and find some amount of inner strength. I think that her comment was what made me need to talk to Michael this morning. I realized that I'd had enough, and that I couldn't possibly begin to heal if I didn't take a step back from it all. Sure, it's gonna fucking hurt. A lot. And for a long time. I will become a better person from all of this and I will be able to stand on my own two feet. it just takes time.
"When shit happens like that I just throw myself into work and my diet. I mean - in a few months time I want to be skinny and smart. So show him, you're going to get really skinny, show him what he's lost and pass those exams because you're intelligent. Intelligent enough to know that he's not worth crying about - not until those exams are done. Life has a habit of throwing complete shit in our faces when we need an easier ride. This is a challenge that you ARE going to get through. Every day that aches is still a blessing because it takes you one step further to the best person you can ever be! And I'm here for you so fuck the rest =] xx"
I feel.... content now. Uptight. Scared. Mixed feelings. I'm not really sure what to expect, but I sure as hell hope it works.
<3
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
F Word
I just got done telling my counselor that I was doing fine, not 5 hours ago.
Since then, my boyfriend's walked out, broke up with me, and I've cut myself... really bad this time. My arm hurts... and I have final exams tomorrow and Friday.
I don't know how much more I can take... yet again. Life just keeps getting worse every day I'm alive.
Since then, my boyfriend's walked out, broke up with me, and I've cut myself... really bad this time. My arm hurts... and I have final exams tomorrow and Friday.
I don't know how much more I can take... yet again. Life just keeps getting worse every day I'm alive.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Life Goals
I was thinking recently about the things that I want the most in my life, and I guess that since I'm at least attempting to turn a new leaf in my life to try make some things better, I felt that I would share some of my list as I figure out what is most important to me. This is probably just the beginning of a long project that I'll keep adding to. Feel free to join in if you'd like. :-P
1.) First and foremost, my family. I never want to lose them, no matter how much we disagree sometimes, it's not worth it to lose the people you are glued to for the rest of your life.
2.) When I graduate, I want to start my own family. Not too big, not too small.
3.) I want to have a wonderful job that I enjoy and something that will enable me to support my family.
4.) I only want to be married once. What's the point in marrying your soul mate if you have to do it more than once? I mean honestly, I don't even want to think about the word "divorce". Not in my stars, sucker.
5.) I want to be happy, but I also want my partner and family to be happy. I hate not seeing everyone content, and it breaks my heart to see someone close to me hurting. Those are times when I say "Forget me, what's wrong with you?"
6.) I want to be beautiful and happy. A thin, beautiful wife.
7.) Success. I don't think that I would be able to thrive without it. I mean, look how awful it's been the past few weeks and how awful I feel/look...
1.) First and foremost, my family. I never want to lose them, no matter how much we disagree sometimes, it's not worth it to lose the people you are glued to for the rest of your life.
2.) When I graduate, I want to start my own family. Not too big, not too small.
3.) I want to have a wonderful job that I enjoy and something that will enable me to support my family.
4.) I only want to be married once. What's the point in marrying your soul mate if you have to do it more than once? I mean honestly, I don't even want to think about the word "divorce". Not in my stars, sucker.
5.) I want to be happy, but I also want my partner and family to be happy. I hate not seeing everyone content, and it breaks my heart to see someone close to me hurting. Those are times when I say "Forget me, what's wrong with you?"
6.) I want to be beautiful and happy. A thin, beautiful wife.
7.) Success. I don't think that I would be able to thrive without it. I mean, look how awful it's been the past few weeks and how awful I feel/look...
I never thought I'd see the day where I would eat a salad and be overly full. Didn't mean for that to happen, but nonetheless it makes me happy. I had some crackers and a small chunk of cheese for breakfast with Diet Pepsi. That was a total of 125 calories (blasted cheese... I can't give it up though. I love cheese.).
Lunch was just a small salad I bought that had a cucumber slice and two small slices of tomato. I put half a packet of FF Italian dressing on it for a total of 151 calories.
I'm planning on making some soup later for dinner, and I have 524 calorie left for the day, but I don't even think I'll reach that, which is great! I bought some coffee and I have some more diet pop in case I get the munchies later. I don't have any money either, so I won't be tempted to go buy something from the student center store.
My body is starting to feel weird, though. It's like, it's full but it knows it's starving, so it doesn't know what to do. I'm not sure if I like that part as much, but hopefully that feeling subsides. It makes my stomach churn, and I don't like that.
I've really been in the mood for some soup lately, but I don't know what to make! I'm thinking about just throwing some kale and cauliflower in a pot, and maybe add some onions or something. Oh wait! I have carrots too! Meh... so many decisions and choices. I just don't want to end up throwing everything in and ruining my day is all. Haha. :-) Suggestions for future use?
Lunch was just a small salad I bought that had a cucumber slice and two small slices of tomato. I put half a packet of FF Italian dressing on it for a total of 151 calories.
I'm planning on making some soup later for dinner, and I have 524 calorie left for the day, but I don't even think I'll reach that, which is great! I bought some coffee and I have some more diet pop in case I get the munchies later. I don't have any money either, so I won't be tempted to go buy something from the student center store.
My body is starting to feel weird, though. It's like, it's full but it knows it's starving, so it doesn't know what to do. I'm not sure if I like that part as much, but hopefully that feeling subsides. It makes my stomach churn, and I don't like that.
I've really been in the mood for some soup lately, but I don't know what to make! I'm thinking about just throwing some kale and cauliflower in a pot, and maybe add some onions or something. Oh wait! I have carrots too! Meh... so many decisions and choices. I just don't want to end up throwing everything in and ruining my day is all. Haha. :-) Suggestions for future use?
Yuck & Counselor
I totally don't remember typing that last post, so oops. Obviously I've been going insane the past week or so, and I'm still not up to par.
I met with a new counselor yesterday. I'm not really sure what I'll call him on here yet, but he's a doctoral intern. He's really calm and nice, and I like that. He didn't judge me outwardly for anything I said, except that when I told him I was extremely introverted, he goes, "Aren't all engineers though?" I like the way he thinks. He even requested to continue working with me! Yesterday he said that there was no certainty whether or not he would be the one to always see me, but I got a phone call from the office and they said he had opened up part of his day so I could come in again. It made me smile to think that someone would want to continue working with me on a level like this.
Anyway, we didn't really get to talk very "in depth" because yesterday was basically just patient intake day. I felt like I was playing 20 questions. Hopefully tomorrow there's a little more progress.
I wouldn't say I'm excited, but I'm definitely not disappointed.
I met with a new counselor yesterday. I'm not really sure what I'll call him on here yet, but he's a doctoral intern. He's really calm and nice, and I like that. He didn't judge me outwardly for anything I said, except that when I told him I was extremely introverted, he goes, "Aren't all engineers though?" I like the way he thinks. He even requested to continue working with me! Yesterday he said that there was no certainty whether or not he would be the one to always see me, but I got a phone call from the office and they said he had opened up part of his day so I could come in again. It made me smile to think that someone would want to continue working with me on a level like this.
Anyway, we didn't really get to talk very "in depth" because yesterday was basically just patient intake day. I felt like I was playing 20 questions. Hopefully tomorrow there's a little more progress.
I wouldn't say I'm excited, but I'm definitely not disappointed.
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