Tonight Is The Night

I'm leaving Austin tonight. I'm going home for the semester. I'm actually doing this. I'm scared, nervous, excited, a little bit of everything right now. I only have a few more hours of him to myself before I leave. I wrote him a long note; I hope he reads it and takes it seriously. I get to take my kittens with me, too. He's letting me. I don't want to say goodbye, but I can't help but look forward to everything that is going to change in the next five months. Maybe after this time apart we will realize what we each really want. It's not like we're not going to see each other, but it still is a scary thing to do. He's all I've known for three years, and now I won't have him in my life every day. That is a scary thought to itself.

We've gone out to eat twice today a midst doing some fun things before I go, but I could hardly eat my food without feeling like I had to vomit. I secretly threw more than half my food away. I feel bad, but at least he was having a nice time. I like it when he smiles.

I'm not sure the next time I will be able to write exactly. It sort of depends how I get settled in and family stuff and such. I mean, it is almost Christmas.

I know I've posted this picture before, but it is my favorite picture of us, ever. I will miss my best friend with all of my heart. I hope we come out of this okay.

Wish me luck. I love you all.

xx

Moving Right Along...

Basically, next week is my last week living with Austin. I am going home for Christmas, but then I am coming back, packing my things, and leaving. I feel really good about going home. I'm pretty sure that it's going to be easier for me to get away with not eating at my house. Both of my parents work, and my sisters are both in school, so... BAM. 

I'm still extremely bittersweet about the whole situation. I'm going to miss Austin like nobody's business, and I still feel like puking whenever I think about it, but I'm going to try it. I think this will be good for me. I think it will help me. Austin said we can still be friends, and I would really like that. I've had friends in Akron tell me that they would come visit me, and that means the world to me.

I'm really scared to make this move. I really, really am. I don't know what's going to happen when I go. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even know how to bring it up to Austin. He doesn't know that I'm leaving, I just always bring it up hypothetically.

I'm not sure how to tell him. 

And this makes me sad.

Here I Am!

So I've taken to finding a bathroom stall that locks and noone else can see me, hear me, or get in. I like it like that. I've been sleeping in this bathroom all week because I haven't been getting enough sleep... yuck.

I found a safe place to go for the weekend. I'm gonna go with my beautiful friend. :-) She has a modelling event tonight, so that will be fun to go see, I hope! I'm anxiously awaiting her to get to campus so we can go buy cigarettes and have fun! I might be partying tonight, but I don't know. I just want to go have fun. I deserve it, no? I hope that this weekend will be fun... I really do. I just want to forget about this week in it's entirety.

Luckily, if I go drinking tonight, it won't really matter too much. I fasted most of yesterday except for a little dinner, and I'm fasting today also. I realized that if I just forget about the food and don't think about my tummy, time passes by pretty quickly. I can't guarantee I can always do that, but with all the stress of this week, it was nice to go to bed with a grumbly tummy. Still, somehow, today I feel exceptionally fat. Maybe it's because I'm wearing skinny jeans, who knows? What I do know is that I need to get another ten pounds off, pronto. I'm pretty sure I turned into an elephant overnight, and that the fasting did absolutely nothing for me. Nothing else to do but try it again! I find that I feel happier when I fast. I don't have to count calories. I don't have to worry about the expensive healthy food. I don't need to worry about looking fat all of the time when I eat, either. Hopefully a few more days of this will get me to where I want to be. I wanted to lose 15 pounds by the end of the year, and since I've only lost about 7, I really need to get on that.

I'm feeling a little self conscious about my arm today, too. It's trying to heal over already, but the shirt I wore doesn't cover it as much as I thought it would. It might just be a coat wearing kind of night instead of showing off my cute top. Blah. Oh well. Whatever keeps people from asking questions. Maybe if we get drunk tonight I'll take it off. People don't care when they're drunk. Maybe there will be cute boys this weekend. It'd be nice to talk to some nice boys in lieu of my now ex-boyfriend. That sounds awful, I know. I'm not sleeping with anyone this weekend though! :-P

I hope my friend gets here soon; she'll know what to do. I hope that seeing her this weekend will give me more motivation to fast and lose those extra pounds by the end of the year. That's a really nice thought. I guess in the mean time I will redo my makeup and see if I can come up with any ways to miraculously make myself look not fat. Hahaha :-)

Strangely, I am dong okay today. My ex had an interview for a really good job this morning, and he wanted me to help him get ready. It felt.... strangely nice to go about it in a friendly way. I felt a lot of pressure off of my chest, that's for sure. Maybe without that pressure, I'll be five pounds lighter! It's a thought. :-P Wishful thinking, that is.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to write much this weekend. It sort of depends on where we go and where we stay, to be honest. Nonetheless, I hope you all have a fantastic weekend.

Stay strong, my pretty friends xx

***Critical Update***

Okay, so this isn't exactly crucial or anything like that, but I came to an amazing conclusion this morning. I had an emergency session with Michael this morning. I called him first thing in the morning because I wasn't sure what else to do; I had no one else to immediately talk to. He was amazing and pulled through. He called me and I was in his office within 10 minutes. He's a terrific guy. We talked, and he said that the things I was telling him were signs of emotional abuse. Since my boyfriend has hit me before (like, a year and a half ago), he said he would give it a year until it got physical again. He told me that nothing about the relationship is healthy, and he thinks that the goings-on between Austin and I are the biggest triggers in my life right now. I think... you know... I realized that today. He asked me why I cut myself last night... it was because of Austin. Why am I so down on myself? Because Austin tells me I'm a failure. Michael said that the only failures are the ones who don't take the step to get help... get out... and heal.

I decided this morning that I am going to take a semester off from school. I will finish this week, work all next week, and Friday will be my release. I am moving my things out of Austin's house, and I am going back home. I know I've talked about going home for a semester with no hard deadlines or actual commitments. This time I am being serious. I can't be in a toxic environment like this, because quite frankly, I think that it will drive me to my edge. I took down my Facebook page and stuff, but I will leave this blog up and continue to update it. I feel safe on here.

I feel good about taking this step. I have a feeling that maybe I'll have second thoughts as we progress through the week, but I'm trying really hard to not think about it. I've already told the most important people in my life that I am leaving, and I hope that makes it seem more real to me .I'm scared... terrified, even... but I will make it through this. 

I want to thank Skylar Rainn for her wonderful, thoughtful comment on my post from last night. That comment gave me the most strength I've had in a really long time, and it really made me think about what my priorities are. I'd like to share her comment, and I hope you read it and find some amount of inner strength. I think that her comment was what made me need to talk to Michael this morning. I realized that I'd had enough, and that I couldn't possibly begin to heal if I didn't take a step back from it all. Sure, it's gonna fucking hurt. A lot. And for a long time. I will become a better person from all of this and I will be able to stand on my own two feet. it just takes time.

"When shit happens like that I just throw myself into work and my diet. I mean - in a few months time I want to be skinny and smart. So show him, you're going to get really skinny, show him what he's lost and pass those exams because you're intelligent. Intelligent enough to know that he's not worth crying about - not until those exams are done. Life has a habit of throwing complete shit in our faces when we need an easier ride. This is a challenge that you ARE going to get through. Every day that aches is still a blessing because it takes you one step further to the best person you can ever be! And I'm here for you so fuck the rest =] xx"

I feel.... content now. Uptight. Scared. Mixed feelings. I'm not really sure what to expect, but I sure as hell hope it works.

<3

F Word

I just got done telling my counselor that I was doing fine, not 5 hours ago.

Since then, my boyfriend's walked out, broke up with me, and I've cut myself... really bad this time. My arm hurts... and I have final exams tomorrow and Friday.

I don't know how much more I can take... yet again. Life just keeps getting worse every day I'm alive.

But For Real Though...

...Every time I try to be happy, I can't be anymore.

Life Goals

I was thinking recently about the things that I want the most in my life, and I guess that since I'm at least attempting to turn a new leaf in my life to try make some things better, I felt that I would share some of my list as I figure out what is most important to me. This is probably just the beginning of a long project that I'll keep adding to. Feel free to join in if you'd like. :-P

1.) First and foremost, my family. I never want to lose them, no matter how much we disagree sometimes, it's not worth it to lose the people you are glued to for the rest of your life.

2.) When I graduate, I want to start my own family. Not too big, not too small.

3.) I want to have a wonderful job that I enjoy and something that will enable me to support my family.

4.) I only want to be married once. What's the point in marrying your soul mate if you have to do it more than once? I mean honestly, I don't even want to think about the word "divorce". Not in my stars, sucker.

5.) I want to be happy, but I also want my partner and family to be happy. I hate not seeing everyone content, and it breaks my heart to see someone close to me hurting. Those are times when I say "Forget me, what's wrong with you?"

6.) I want to be beautiful and happy. A thin, beautiful wife.

7.) Success. I don't think that I would be able to thrive without it. I mean, look how awful it's been the past few weeks and how awful I feel/look...

I never thought I'd see the day where I would eat a salad and be overly full. Didn't mean for that to happen, but nonetheless it makes me happy. I had some crackers and a small chunk of cheese for breakfast with Diet Pepsi. That was a total of 125 calories (blasted cheese... I can't give it up though. I love cheese.).

Lunch was just a small salad I bought that had a cucumber slice and two small slices of tomato. I put half a packet of FF Italian dressing on it for a total of 151 calories.

I'm planning on making some soup later for dinner, and I have 524 calorie left for the day, but I don't even think I'll reach that, which is great! I bought some coffee and I have some more diet pop in case I get the munchies later. I don't have any money either, so I won't be tempted to go buy something from the student center store.

My body is starting to feel weird, though. It's like, it's full but it knows it's starving, so it doesn't know what to do. I'm not sure if I like that part as much, but hopefully that feeling subsides. It makes my stomach churn, and I don't like that.

I've really been in the mood for some soup lately, but I don't know what to make! I'm thinking about just throwing some kale and cauliflower in a pot, and maybe add some onions or something. Oh wait! I have carrots too! Meh... so many decisions and choices. I just don't want to end up throwing everything in and ruining my day is all. Haha. :-) Suggestions for future use?

Yuck & Counselor

I totally don't remember typing that last post, so oops. Obviously I've been going insane the past week or so, and I'm still not up to par.

I met with a new counselor yesterday. I'm not really sure what I'll call him on here yet, but he's a doctoral intern. He's really calm and nice, and I like that. He didn't judge me outwardly for anything I said, except that when I told him I was extremely introverted, he goes, "Aren't all engineers though?" I like the way he thinks. He even requested to continue working with me! Yesterday he said that there was no certainty whether or not he would be the one to always see me, but I got a phone call from the office and they said he had opened up part of his day so I could come in again. It made me smile to think that someone would want to continue working with me on a level like this.

Anyway, we didn't really get to talk very "in depth" because yesterday was basically just patient intake day. I felt like I was playing 20 questions. Hopefully tomorrow there's a little more progress.

I wouldn't say I'm excited, but I'm definitely not disappointed.

I Know I Said I Was Okay...

...but for real I just got myself drunk again. I only made it three beers in, and I'm already feeling sorry for myself.

I hate what I'm becoming.  I hate me. Myself. I.

I have a final at 7:45 tomorrow morning.

Fuck my life. :-(

At least I didn't drink hydrocodone this time.

Sorry Guys...

I didn't really mean to upset anyone or worry anyone the past few days. I've really been battling my depression the past couple weeks, and it's been really hard to stay positive at all. Most is well with my boyfriend; I just got really mad at him over some stuff and flew off the hook. I'm okay now, though. I definitely didn't exactly plan on drinking the hydrocodone or cough syrup... it was an impulse thing. Sometimes I swear I'm bipolar, or schizo. I'm not even kidding; I wish I was.

Anyway, I wanted to put up some pictures, for what they're worth, that I took this morning. They don't have dates or anything on them, but I wouldn't lie to you guys. I really am alive and well.

I know I look all fat and crosseyed and tired as hell, but eh.
I guess for all intents and purposes, it works. Don't mind the beer bottles in the background. Haha. I keep a collection on my desk; I think they look cool. :-)

I also wanted to show you all that my arms are starting to finally shrink down (!!!). Now I just need to start losing my fat face. Ugh. Anyway. I got new shampoo and conditioner for my hair, so hopefully it starts looking a bit more healthy instead of flat and yucky.




Ah well. Here I go to study for a Calculus 2 Final... I have to wake up at flipping 6 am to make it to this exam. Luckily after that, I just have to endure the counselor and two more exams, but they aren't until Thursday and Friday. Then... I'm DONE for the semester... until my birthday! :-D

Wish me luck...

Spiral

I can feel myself starting to spiral out of control. Last night I drank hydrocodone. Today I drank cough syrup, and tonight I'm on an alcohol binge, courtesy of my boyfriend. Not like he knows what's going on, because he's stupid.

I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Here's to drinkin' all by my lonesome tonight.

Love you all xx

I've come to the conclusion that my boyfriend is just stupid. He doesn't get it, at all.


Coward.

He obviously just doesn't give a shit about me, or anything around him. Just him. That's all.

I drank a bunch of cough syrup. Surprisingly, it tasted really good. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep.

Emotions.

I can't get my internet to work on my laptop for some reason so I'm updating really quickly from my phone...

I'm not really sure what's going on inside my head right now. Lots of conflicting emotions, that's for sure. I was doing the dishes and all of a sudden I just wanted to bawl my eyes out. I kind of just let a few crocodile tears out but that was it. I didn't now what else to do. There's so much going on that I'm having trouble thinking without getting emotional, and it sucks. I'm happy, but I'm really sad deep down. It literally aches in my chest and crushes my lungs in its grasp. It's awful and I hate it but I am too weak to fight it back.

I need to find strength but I have none. I'm really depressed. More than I normally am.

To be frank, I'm pretty sure I'm high right now, so that's probably why this all sounds so depressing and sad. I drank about a third of a bottle of hydrocodone in my attempt to calm the fuck down. Probably not the best idea I've ever made and it was mostly just me acting on emotions and not thinking. I feel like I'm gonna pass out or puke or cry or die or something. I'm probably just overreacting, but oh well.

I'm in a pretty low place right now.

Extreme Restricting: Day 1

I know it says "Day 1" but I really don't even know how long this will go on. Oh well. I'll figure that part out later I suppose.

Anyway, so far as good.
My boyfriend and I went to McDonalds for breakfast at 7 this morning because it was too early to get into the buildings on campus. I got away with an unsweet tea. :-)

Since then, I've been sipping on that and I had two Triscuit crackers and a thin slice of cheese on each of them. Each cracker with cheese is about 30 calories. That means I'm at 60 for the day. I have two more crackers and two more slices of cheese in case I absolutely need them, but I didn't even bother bringing a lunch today. I have a bottle of Diet Coke in my reserves if the need arises.

I also brought my lemon/cayenne water today too. I think I may have made it a bit too spicy, but the taste goes away fast and... more pepper = faster metabolism? Probably not, but at least I like spicy things.

I'm actually surprised I'm not craving more food, but for my case, that's completely okay! Plus, I've been up and moving most of the morning, and some of that included stairs, so that's a little exercise thrown in there. It won't count for much, but at least it counts.

I'm really hoping that my supervisor didn't bring any food to share today. I don't really want to tell her no. Maybe I can stick it in the drawer of my desk and wait until she leaves to throw it out :-/ All hypothetical of course, because so far she hasn't let on that she has food.

Blah. I hope today ends as well as it started.

Fluid Cleanse.

I'm starting it tomorrow. I'm going grocery shopping for lemons and cayenne and oranges and tea and stuff tonight. In addition to the liquids, I'm just going to be taking my biotin and vitamin supplements, but that's it.

Wish me luck.

Whew!

Okay, so today didn't actually go as bad as I thought it would. I did end up eating at the potluck, but it wasn't big portions and I was fairly comfortable with it, except for the fact that I drank regular pop and defffinitely didn't realize it until afterwards. Oh well. I mean, the damage was already done and I couldn't really do anything about it. Also, I sat next to "Francey" (I've talked about him once or twice). Totally found out his mom lives in France and his kid is 15. Whoopsy. I underestimated how old his really was... by a lot! :-O

Dinner was really, actually one of the best dinners I've ever had, and I didn't even splurge! Austin insisted we go out to this nice pub/restaurant thing. Nice and pub in the same sentence... hmmm... but it's true! Haha. I got a steamed vegetable wrap with squash puree (it was actually really interesting to eat) and some french onion soup. That was pretty good too. I felt pretty good about it, even though my tummy is still kind of bloaty and round from this week, but it'll be alright. I may have some popcorn tonight, but I don't know. The can is in front of me, but it's not open right now and I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of that popcorn.

My cat scratched the side of my tummy earlier. He got it pretty deep. I was kind of hoping that it was deep enough that the fat particles inside of me would leak out, but to no avail. It was simply wishful thinking.

I'll have to get a picture of the mess my hair has become. I went to take a shower this evening, and decided to brush my hair before the shower because it was really snarly. Probably a bad choice, because it started coming out in chunks when I ran the brush through it. Now, normally, this just happens while I'm already in the shower and it all goes down into the drain. Not the case here, and it really scared me because the brush was fullllll of hair. Looks like it's time to go back on my biotin regime. I can't have my hair falling out like that. Yucky.

Soooo tomorrow is Thursday. I decided that I'm going into work, but I'm packing my own food because I'm a broke college kid. I'll probably be able to write and update a bit more throughout the day since I'll be at work all day.

Here is the ABC diet plan I'm going to attempt starting on Monday. I know Wilko was curious what it was, so I decided to put up a picture. Mostly to show him what the ABC is, but also to put it out there that I'm actually being for real this time because making up my own failed miserably.

The reason I keep telling myself that I'm an awful person is because I really do think that. Not all the time, but most of it. I am not a good role model. It's like, I definitely and by no means condone what I do or say. I do not label myself as a "Pro-Ana" blog. I hate that people think that just because I write about my life in a blog, it means that I am a supporter of what I do. Because of it, I get a few emails here and here asking for "tips" or "ideas on how to lose weight fast," or my favorite, "If I do this or this or this, do you think it would help me lose xxx amount of weight in xxx amount of time? Blah blah blah" Honestly people, I would never reply to something like that. There is no reason to. It makes me sick that people think they can "become" this. You can't. It just is. It's not because of this blog that I get upset at myself, it's the way that people perceive me. As much as I try to forget about it, I can't help bu feel like I'm just doing everything wrong and that keeping this as my outlet makes me a bad person.

My trip to the counselor is on Monday morning, right after my Calculus 2 final exam. Yippee! ....

...

....

Not really yippee.

Anyway, I still don't know what I want to get out of this meeting, really. I'm not sure what to divulge or what to keep internal for a while longer. Should I wait until I trust them to tell them everything that's happening, or do I spill it all right there so they can think I'm a nut case? It's driving me crazy running through every scenario I can think of. What did you all do the first time you met with your counselors, etc? (If you've ever had one). Is it scary? Where did you draw the line between "tell" and "don't tell". I don't know what to do about.

I feel like fleeing the continent. 

The Woes Of Attending A Potluck

The first half of the work day has passed by with not much commotion. Unfortunately, I feel like it's about to take a turn for the worst. In about an hour, every single faculty member in the Mechanical Engineering department, including our secretaries, and myself, will trudge on up to the Dean's conference room to partake in... A Christmas Lunch. Tis the season. I'm not so excited. I went to the union earlier to buy a small salad, coffee, and Diet Coke. I ate the salad already in the hopes that I won't feel hungry at all when I go up there. I have kind of mixed feelings about it, because I don't want to go up there and be the awkward girl in the corner not eating. I mean, honestly folks, who doesn't eat at a potluck? I'm thinking about maybe just staying in the office and being the designated sentry while everyone goes up, or I'll eat a little bit (if there's anything up there that's of any health value) and forgo dinner. Ah well. I might as well just not go, because I'm the youngest one there by like, at least 12 years. Not exactly thrilled by that either. I just feel abnormally fat today. Mother Nature decided to come visit this month, so I'm pretty pissed about that. I feel gross, I didn't do my makeup this morning, I'm stuck in an office by myself right now... I need a cigarette break. What else is wrong with my life?

Austin's and my apartment searching is going well, but really awful at the same time.
My uterus feels like it's about to burst into a million pieces.
My nails are starting to shred and peel every time I touch them.
My hair is starting to tangle into a rat's nest every time I wash it.
I have this nervous gesture where I peel the skin off from around my finger nails and it's really annoying because now my hand bleeds whenever I peel the skin. (Yuck, I know. Sorry!)
I think my shoes smell.
My finals are next week. FML.
I don't know if I'll be able to come to school next semester because I don't have $1000 to pay my bill from this semester.

I'm going to stop complaining now, because in reality this is all superficial. I'm not a selfish bitch, I promise... :-/

I must be an awful person.

On a sidenote, I'm thinking about beginning another ABC diet this coming Monday. It's been a while since I've done one. Maybe it'll kick my ass in gear.

I have no doubt I'm an awful person.

Tuesday & Blog Award!

So, first off, I'd like to thank Skylar Rainn for nominating me for the Liebster Blog Award that's been going around lately. I'm not completely sure how it works, but I'm elated that anyone even reads my blog! Honestly, I just started it to calm myself, but it's been branching into something a lot more than that. I love reading about all of you and keeping up with you and reading your stories. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in all of this, and I really appreciate that. <3

Here are the questions that I'm supposed to answer. :-)

1.) What is your favourite memory?

Being a little girl and not having to care about the world. I was so close to my family and always wanted to be around them. I would give anything to have those times back.

2.) What was your first relationship like?

 I'm still in it! Well, if we're counting serious relationships here. It's fun, spontaneous, and we enjoy each other's company. By no means is it a fairy tale romance, and there are some things I would like to change, but regardless, there's a beauty about being in love.

3.) Club party or house party?

Ick... house party by far. I'm not exactly a club kind of person. I do love a good house party though!

4.) Who is your icon/ idol?

Is it bad that I don't have one? :-/ Even if I did have one, I honestly wouldn't know who.

5.) One rule that you live your life by?

Everything happens for a reason. If it happens, then it was meant to be. Life's too short to wonder what could have, would have, should have...

6.) If you could have any pet what would it be (any animal)?

I am a sucker for felines. Any kind of kitty cat will do. My dream cat is called a Manul. It lives in Asia, and it's so beautiful! It's got big teeth and it's eyes are so unique! Google it: Manul Cat, or Pallas's cat. Same thing. <3

7.) If you had one super power what would it be?

I would want to be able to turn invisible on command. I would also love to be able to stop time; everything around me stops, and I get to go/do whatever I want.

8.) Ideal celebrity partner and why?

Either David Tennant or Matt Smith. British actors in the Doctor Who series. They are wonnnnderful  and I would marry either of them in a heart beat. They're really great people from what I've been exposed to; funny, kind, normal, down to earth people who just happen to have the most insanely awesome job on the planet!

9.) What are your favourite movies?

Oh wow, so many... Despicable Me, Beauty and the Beast, 2012, Inception, the Saw series, Harry Potter, A Secret Between Friends, Fright Night, Christopher and His Kind

10.) What is your star sign?

I'm a Capricorn. Oh boy, am I ever a Capricorn.

11.) What is your biggest regret?

Ohhh gosh... so many regrets. I regret not being a better person and not being a great role model for my younger sisters. I regret not being closer to my family. Not being a better girlfriend, lover, companion, friend. I always feel like I never do enough. Sometimes, I even regret not choosing a different path for me. I'm a second guesser.

Right now, I'm working on completing the second part of this award, which is finding 11 other bloggers and asking them 11 questions. Gosh, there are so many of you! I'm working on getting that out ASAP. :-) Unfortunately with the way I work, I only have short spurts where I can actually take the time to get on here, so that's why I need your patience on nominating some other fellow bloggers. :-(

In other news, today. Started out great, ended up awful. One of my supervisors is leaving in two weeks, and there are a lot of PhD defenses going on today. Therefore, I ended up with 4 doughnuts. I ate two. Don't even get me started on WHY because I have no idea other than one of them had strawberry frosting and that is one of my favorites. I wanted to cry afterwards, drinking my Diet Coke...

It's been a rough one. I want to cry about everything.

Any words of wisdom?

Acknowledgements/Sad Update

First off, I would like to thank Skylar Rainn for nominating me for the Liebster Blog award! I'm kind of excited about that! Unfortunately, I don't have time right now to take the time I really want to in order to answer your questions, but that will be my next post! Promise! :-D

I wanted to let you all know that I probably/maybe won't be on very much from now until the end of the year. My boyfriend's dad's house got foreclosed on, and now we have about two weeks to get everything out and find a new place. We're having a bitch of a time finding somewhere. All the apartments we like, we have to make $2400 a month collectively to afford an $800 apartment. We make the $800 easily, but apparently to rent an apartment, you have to make three times the rent a month. Stupid. Especially because we have more than enough to easily have about three years' rent in our bank accounts. They don't count life insurance as income. Stupid fucks.

Anyway, tonight we have an appointment to go through a house that we both fell in love with without even walking through it. Wish us luck! I can't wait to start this journey... being grown up, having a place all our own... is it bad that we already know where we'e putting all our furniture?!


AH SO EXCITED.

Hopefully this is a good end to a tragedy.

Talk to you all soon <3

The Office Blues...

I'm pretty sure everyone that comes through the office I work in thinks I'm the biggest, fattest cow ever. I feel like I'm always eating my time away in this little office. It's probably true, especially on Thursdays. I waste away in this little place and eat my weight in food. I've had so many green beans today I feel like I'm going to burst at the seams. That's an exaggeration, but I'm kind of serious. A professor walked through today and was like "it is always your lunch time here!" I know that he was saying it to be funny, but apparently I made a face afterwards because then he was like "You were upset, I'm sorry you were upset!" Really, I just tried to laugh it off but then I blushed really hard and got all sad, so I guess he noticed. Oh well. I really can't be mad because it was one of the dudes in this department that is just... well, terrific and brilliant and fun! Anyway, I shrugged it off by cleaning my desk and making it all nice and tidy.

Job well done.
Crisis not averted. Blah.

Short Update

Today's intake:

• 1 cup chai spice tea (0 calories)
• Unsalted green beans with pepper (70 calories)
• Light Italian soup (160 calories)

Total caloric intake: 230 calories

I also brought some rice cakes with me to help me through my afternoon lull. I feel like I totally splurged with the soup because it tasted so good, but I checked it twice and the whole can really was 160 calories! :-) I'm almost done eating it now and I already feel almost full. It's a weird feeling! My calorie counter said that if everyday was like today, I'd lose 30 pounds in 5 weeks!! I love the thought of that... that's like a pound a day!

Here's to hoping the rest of the day goes this well!

Major Motivation Needed

I need to stick to a diet. I want to be able to model like my beautiful friends. <3

My gorgeous friend that I've talked about a few times, she signed up on a modelling website with another one of her friends, and they got tons of offers to shoot within a few hours. Now, I should be studying for my last engineering exam right now, but truth be told, I NEED THEIR BODIES. They are so fit and thin and tiny and gorgeoussss and I can't shake the thought.

I already texted my friend and told her she needed to send me her diet, ASAP. She lost like, SEVENTY POUNDS! Holy cow! If only I could actually lose 70 pounds... oh my gosh. And I'm not just talking about water weight either. I want to legit lose 70 pounds... at least!

I guess I've foregone studying to wake up to a whole different motivation. I'm scared because obviously I don't have friends that know what I do, about this blog, my insecurities, etc... I'm afraid if I don't have friends or motivation to do this, I won't be able to. I'm just asking you to reach out to me, for me. God knows I can't do this alone, but I just want this so incredibly bad. I need to be beautiful, thin, happy. I want to be the girl that gets all the modelling offers and the one that can wear whatever I fucking want because I can. I just want to be pretty. I want to be like my friends. <3

I'm sitting across from this lady who is like, 400 pounds. I'm not even kidding. She always hobbles in the door around this time and plops her fat ass down on one of the university computers and just... sits there. She just looks so yucky, and I can't help but think that if I don't stick to some kind of diet now, instead of bouncing around and trying things out, that I'm gonna end up like her. I'm gonna be so disgusting. More than I am now, and the thought of that literally drives me insane. Why did I have to be born to be a big tub of fat? God, I am so nasty I can't even look at myself in the mirror these days.

My boyfriend and I were getting cuddly the other day, and I wanted to cry when he tried to take my shirt off. Like, WHYYY would you want to do that?! There is no reason that anyone should want to take any piece of my clothing off. That lard under there isn't meant to be exposed to the world! I just... gah.

I don't understand people, basically.

Do I Really Need Help That Badly?

So here I am, sitting in bed, taking yet another day off of school. In all honesty I woke up sick this morning and ended up vomiting. I was okay after that, and went back to sleep. When I woke up, my stomach was so empty it hurt, like I wanted to vomit again. The worst got the best of me, and instead of going back to sleep, I ate. It was a lot, but in terms of the binges I have, it was relatively small. two slices of pizza that I shared with my cats, and part of a gyro dinner that my boyfriend had gotten a few days ago. I had some ginger ale with it. Obviously it's not the ginger ale I'm worried about, however. Now I just feel really sick and gross and I might go take another shower. It's windy, rainy, and yucky outside; the weather seems to be reflecting my soul lately.

Friday I had a meeting with my Engineering advisor that went all sorts of wonky. It was supposed to be a meeting about a one credit class that I never went to because I hated it and didn't care about it early on. It ended up with me revealing all my secrets that I never wanted to tell anyone about the past six months. I spilled about how lost I feel not having Austin's father living anymore, I spilled about my grandfather being in the hospital on and off, about my little sister who is in rehab for anorexia, about how my parents don't want me to be in engineering and want me to transfer after this semester, about how it was beginning to physically hurt me.... I don't know what triggered it, but there I was, spilling things I never wanted anyone to know so they wouldn't be sorry for me... right in  front of him. He sort of sat back after the initial spewing and just kind of looked at me like "Oh, wow... okay then... obviously something is wrong here" and proceeded to tell me that although he wasn't equipped to legally give me advice, he would still talk to me and then... he encouraged me to say more. I did. I talked about my relationship with Austin, about the foreclosure papers, how angry I am at my parents, everything. I don't know why it kept coming out, but then I started crying. Why did I do that?! I'm in the freaking engineering college; why the hell should I be complaining about my life and crying? There is no time for it... None at all...

Anyway, after my brain decided to spill everything except my tendency toward kinky sex, my advisor told me that he wanted me to get in contact with the university counselors. He gave me their number, website, hours, location, everything. He said he is going to follow up with both me and the university to make sure that I at least meet with them once. If not, he said he was going to hunt me down. He said I've been through too many struggles (regarding the engineering) to give up now. I really do respect the way he handled my bizarre situation, and I was really thankful that he at least listened, even if he didn't want to, but I'm honestly so scared to meet with a counselor.

I had one when i was in second grade, and one day she just stopped showing up. She quit on me or something. She didn't feel like I needed her anymore. Little did she know that she was my only friend back then. I enjoyed playing the board games that she made up so we could get to know each other and she helped me stop crying for my mom during class. Like, literally I used to cry all the time. I didn't want to get in trouble. If I left my mom without telling her I loved her and I remembered later, i cried. I forgot my homework, I cried. One time I forgot my library books and I bawled my eyes out in the bathroom for the period. I was awful. That stuff continued until 7th grade. It was ridiculous.

Moving along... I'm scared to call this counselor. I don't know what to expect. If worse becomes worse, i can just go once to satisfy my advisor and then stop going, right? But then again, he's such a nice guy that I'd feel bad if I didn't go back. I'm just kind of afraid that they are going to quit on me like that lady in second grade...

I wish I knew what to do...

Just Another Wednesday...

And I feel like poo.

My supervisor is sick again, and she came into work today. I'm pretty sure she's gonna make me sick again, so I really hope she leaves early today.

I didn't feel like going out of my way to pack a yummy lunch today. I just threw some cottage cheese in a container and put a few rice cakes in a bag. There's an apple in there, too, but I don't like apples. Obviously I was awake this morning... Blah.

So I need to do a weigh in. Like, really soon because I'm pretty sure I gained over the weekend.

I need a cigarette, and I'm pretty sure I'm just going insane.

Greasy Fries, or Thin Thighs?

I think we all  know the answer to that one. ;-)

Leaving Town, But No Hiatus

I decided I just needed to get out of town and away from the drama for a bit. I ended up leaving in the middle of the week, so I'm missing a lot of classes. My professors so far seem to be very forgiving about the situation, so I'm really happy. I went back to my parents house and I'm staying until this Sunday. I got to see a few of my good friends from high school, and that was really comforting to know that they'll still help me when I'm in a crunch. I literally just started texting everyone I knew when Austin and I got into a fight and they came through. It was super awesome because they all got together and drove for over an hour to come rescue me. I wanted to cry so much!

Anyway, basically Austin got the foreclosure papers from the court regarding his dad's house on Tuesday, so he was already uptight. I'm honestly not even sure what the heck set anyone off, but we ended up fighting. It got to the point where he told me I had until 3:30 the next afternoon to get all of my stuff out of the house or he was throwing it away. I'm not really sure what he mad about... I just remember him saying that I don't pay enough money for the bills or something like that. I really don't know. Then he calmed down to the point where he said he would just put my stuff in boxes and I get them from the garage. And now he just wants me to be with him so we can work it out. Over the course of three days. I mean, honestly, I know he was really stressed about the foreclosure papers, because that means that the two of us have to find another house to live in.

I cut myself again before I left with my friends... I've been stuck in a sweatshirt the entire time I've been home. Luckily, it's cold as hell outside. My arm is starting to get itchy and it's annoying as I'll ever get out. This time, I do feel a little ashamed that I did it. I was doing really good at fighting off the urge to do it because I didn't want to have to deal with Austin or anyone else seeing my arm. I failed miserably in the end. I'm honestly beating myself up pretty bad about that one...

Austin and I texted a lot yesterday back and forth and it seems like he calmed down but I don't really think he even knows what all happened... I mean, obviously I'm still hurt. He did apologize a little bit, but I just really want him to say "I'M SORRY" to my face. He's always had a hard time apologizing to people... anyone, including me. It's just the way he is, but after something like this week happens, I just think it goes without saying that he needs to apologize. Duh. I don't really know how I feel about being with him anymore. I don't want to keep putting up with this shit and then have to pick up our pieces afterwards. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still love him to death and I would do anything in my power to help him. I just can't stand it when we fight. We don't fight often, but when we do, it's like World War 3 in our bedroom. That's the part of our relationship I can't stand.

I've been living on my light soup for the past few days and indulged in 2 slices of pizza for dinner last night. I don't feel bad about it because all I had was soup before it. I feel like I hit a plateau with my weight. Like, I was losing 6 or 7 pounds a week for a few weeks, and now I'm lucky if I lose 3. It's kind of annoying because I was doing really well for a while... Blah.

I have to go for now, but I'm gonna update you all later. I need to help my mom with work and stuff... and figure out my paycheck... and find coffee.

Jinxed

I must be really good at screwing myself over multiple times.
I take back everything I said earlier about being happy. As of right now, I am not happy.

I want to die and never come back and I don't want anyone to see my face ever again. I want to curl up in a ball and freeze to death like the scum I am. I hate myself so much.

I don't want to be a part of the living anymore.

I hate me.

It's A New Day!

Hey all,

It's definitely been too long since I've been on here. I do want to take the time to say THANKS to everyone who thought of me and sent me a comment/message while I was gone. It truly meant a lot to me; you guys are the best. It's nice to be back. The only downside is that I have sooo much reading to catch up on with all of you! Although I am by no means complaining; you guys are the ones who keep me coming back. :-)

So, the big news. Austin and I are OKAY. We sort of talked, but mostly I felt like he was actually trying to be my boyfriend. I can't get over how happy I have been the past two weeks. Even though I was gone and with my friend for two consecutive weekends, he didn't complain once and he was just acting like he was so happy, and that's the kind of stuff I thrive on. I like to see him happy. We went shopping for some nice clothes for him, and that was a really fun time. He took me out to dinner a few times, and that was really nice. He said we were going to carve pumpkins, but since it's currently hurricane-ing outside, that probably isn't the best idea. Although he did buy me the cutest little stuffed owl, and I absolutely adore it! I feel like there was pep in my step and that I was glowing the entire time we were together. Now, this... this is what a relationship feels like. I love him. I really, honestly, and whole-heartedly do! He really is the person I want to marry, and you know what? I just feel... so... happy! I love this feeling. <3 For once in my life, I'm okay that I'm behind on my school work for now. I'm okay that I'm taking an entire day off of classes just to work. I am just going to bask in my happiness and soak it all up while I can!

In other news, that dumb hurricane Sandy is expelling her wrath over my head. It's nasty outside. Every single school in the county is closed, including Kent State, which is 15 minutes from us, yet campus is still open. I hate my life so much right now because of that. Haha :-P
But really, it's awful. I don't know how many of you live in the same region as me, but this shit is ridiculous! Luckily, we haven't lost our power yet, but it's cold as heck in Austin's and my house. I got out of bed this morning and felt like a Popsicle dipped in dry ice. I almost didn't even come to campus today, but I figured I would try just because I didn't want Austin driving in this weather alone, and because I didn't come to campus yesterday. Oh well. At least I'll get like, 9 hours of work in today. I'm okay with that. :-P

In regards to my food stuff: it's been a little out of whack since I started my hiatus. Nothing awful, but I definitely wasn't counting as often as I should have. I ate out a few times on Austin's treat, but I really don't feel like it was all that bad. I guess sometimes I just need to eat whatever I want to realize just how badly I want to be beautiful like all of you <3 (as I sit here eating cheese puffs... Sorry, it's a soft spot).

Anyway, how are all of you doing? I haven't really been able to read everyone's posts yet, but I'm hoping I get a chance to catch up quick!

Love you all and stay beautiful!

Mini Hiatus

 Hey all,

I'm taking a short break from Blogger. It's nothing you guys did/said/haven't done, it's just something I need to do for me. Trust me, it won't be long at all, though.

I've just been thinking about life and college and what I really want to do with myself, and I'm having a lot of trouble making really important decisions that need to be made in the next two months.

My boyfriend's and my relationship is pretty much on the rocks right now. It's been three years, and I am ready to be serious about it. He, however, wants to lie and say mean things to me when he feels like it, and wants to be a total sweetheart when he feels like it. It's a rocky emotional roller-coaster, and I'm not sure what my decision is going to be. I need help.

Stephanie & Austin; the happy days

I'm so torn apart by this. It's one of the hardest decisions I will ever make up to this point, and it physically hurts me to know that I don't know what my answer is. I love him, so much, and it would take part of my life away if I were to let him go. He is the reason I wake up in the morning and the reason I stay awake at night. I've never been so incredibly emotionally and physically and mentally involved with someone, ever.

I wanted to spend my life with him, and I'm not so sure he feels the same way anymore. I need this weekend to think. To get out all of the anger and pride, and start from scratch. It would quite possibly kill me to be without him in my life, but I can't live with the nagging, the negativity, and the lying. I think I've come to realize how weak and powerless I really am. I hate that it seems like he governs my life. In some ways, he does.

Oh, and by the way, his name is Austin. I'm giving him a name and a face. I'm not sure what good it's going to do, but I'm sick of just calling him "boyfriend" because he's really so much more than that.

I love him, and now I need space.

Please, if some of you want to get in touch with me, I have unlimited texting 24/7 and unlimited phone calls over the weekend... I'd really appreciate it. Just some kind words. Let me know if you want my phone number (comment me, email [ stephanie.elizabeth92@gmail.com ], etc), and I'll give it to you. I really don't mind, especially with going away for a bit. Really, I'd be more upset if you didn't do it (For Real!). I need your advice and thoughts!

Stay strong, and I'll (hopefully) be back soon.
I love you guys and I miss you already. I just hope you can understand.

xo

Really quick, are you guys able to follow me?

I looked at my layout earlier and I didn't see anywhere to follow the blog.

If not, let me know so I can fix it. :-)

Update 10/19: I think the problem got fixed; check the right column to follow.
Thanks, Wilko. :-)

Is It The Weekend Yet?

So I want to apologize about last night's post... I was really not in the mood for anything.
On the bright side, I didn't actually end up eating pizza. Even brighter: I ended up not eating for almost 48 hours! I absolutely had to this evening, because since I'm sick, the medicine I like to drink like candy makes me feel really (if that's what it even feels like) high, and very easily. I took a lot of my medicine last night, and ended up sleeping for 14 hours. I'm still tired as hell, and now I'm starting to get cold sweats, even after two showers today.

I just got out of the shower again, and took some more medicine. I know it's the last thing I should do, but it takes the edge off of being sick and upset. My boyfriend said something tonight about how he "refuses to me let [me] live here when [I] don't pay bills." I got really upset about it. Unfortunately, I make minimum wage, and I work my ass off between school and crap to be able to pay him my part of the bills. Well, I wrote him a check the other day only to realize that the check was for an account I didn't have money in. I wrote him a check for the wrong account! Big whoop, really, because I already ordered the right checks, and he's mad because it's gonna take more than 2 days for them to get here. Uggh. I know it's really not a big deal, but it's just the fact that this week has been really great, except for being sick, and he has to throw a hissy on Thursday night. I know he means well, but I've already been pondering what I'm going to do if he has to move away. I'm not staying in this house without him. It's still too creepy and weird to be by myself for more than a full workday, to be honest. I'm not ready to take this mansion of a house on by myself.

P.S.: Long story short, we live in his dad's house. I've lived here for three years. My boyfriend's dad died in April, and now we're here alone until we can save the house or get kicked out; whichever comes first... It's really hard to live here without his dad, and I make sure he knows that. I hate every day of it.

Anyway, I'm pretty proud of myself for the past two days. I'm around 1000 calories for the days combined, and that makes me smile. It's a step in the right direction!

Now I've got to go find somewhere to crash for the night; my boyfriend said I'm not allowed to sleep in our room because he has homework to do. Apparently he can't work anywhere but on his bed, and it bothers me because his bed happens to be the most comfortable in the house... Grr.

Here's to no sleep and awful stomach aches!

I hope everyone else has/had a good night!

I just wanted to say that I'm done blogging for today.
I feel so shitty and awful and I'm getting more sick by the hour.
I also wanted to tell you all that I'm about to fail miserably and eat pizza later; I really just don't care today.

I think my next step is to get peoples' cell phone numbers so I can text you all when I'm about to do stupid stuff like this.

Pray I don't explode from engorging myself.

I need help.

xo

What's Today?

I think it's Wednesday. My brain doesn't want to think right now, and it's kind of annoying. My boyfriend is a sweetie. He went to campus this morning and left me at home, and then at lunch time he came back to the house to see me and pick me up. I thought it was a nice gesture... I like to think that sometimes he misses me. Haha.

Anyway, here I am, sitting on campus... doing absolutely nothing. I don't know why I'm here, but oh well. I feel like shit and I can't breathe. My nose is running. I look like a fat turd today. I put on jeans and a fleece pullover because I was f-f-f-freezing this morning, but it looks like I'm a balloon because it's so big. I guess for now I don't really care that much because my brain is super fuzzy anyway.

I'm pretty sure I took way too much medicine this morning. I plan on doing it again when I get home later. I slept pretty good considering I slept through my boyfriend calling me like, 9273498 times. I can deal with good sleep. Maybe it'll help me sleep the rest of today through so I don't eat anything else. That'd be nice. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow, because I'm supposed to work 9 hours. I really need those hours, too. I mean, my boss said I don't have to worry about it if I don't feel better, but I really can use that extra money right now.

Half of me just wants to say "Fuck it, stay sick" so I can just go curl up and die. It wouldn't bother me any, that's for sure.

I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm cold, and that means I'm really cranky right now. I just want to get under the covers.

Lucky Me...

I'm sick again.

I'm starting to get so sick of getting sick. I can't even go a week without being ill, and it's so frustrating. Naturally I'm home again today.

I'm writing this on my phone and I don't really have a lot of time for now, but I wanted to express my anger at my health issues. It truly is a pain in my ass.

More updates soon to come!

Xo

Fair Day!

I'm about to cry. Today is the career fair, and here I am, sitting on campus, wearing a pant suit with a button up shirt. At least the button up is a pretty color. I even wore heels today, and I haven't worn a pair in years. My toes are numb from walking around campus already, and I still have three hours before the career fair starts.

I'll let you know how this goes... :-/

I found some really neat companies that I'm interested in... And all but one is in my area. The oddball is out in Pennsylvania, and that's like, 4 hours away I think. I'm kind of hoping there is no relocation assistance with that position... Ha. Anyway, I found these two companies that are really big on sustainability and bending over backwards for their employees and for the environment. Now, I'm not a genuine tree hugger, but that was one thing I was really looking for in a company. See, there was a company that does exactly that, and I really wanted to apply. They did awesome things, like make clothes and containers out of plant sugars! I don't know how many of you are geeks like me, but that is so cool! Turns out the plant is in Nebraska. Who the hell goes to Nebraska? Not happening. I struggled to find an alternative company up until last night. I found TWO! I think that is my driving force for today. I just really hope I can get an internship... or a co-op. I'm happy with any of it right now since I'm broke broke broke.

Anyway, I feel really ugly in this suit, like I shouldn't have even bought it. I feel like a stuffed cabbage.

My ankle just cracked so loud it echoed in the hallway.

Ahem.

Stuffed cabbage is me. My hair didn't do what I wanted it to do, but I fell asleep with it up so that's all my fault. I woke up late this morning. At least I took a shower. I guess I just don't feel ready to do this fair thing yet. I mean, don't get me wrong. I want an opportunity sooo badly I might cry after this is over. I just don't think I can handle it emotionally yet. I mean, I might have to move away from my boyfriend. He might have to move away from me. I'm scared that when I come back, I won't have anywhere to go. I'm scared I won't have any friends around me. I'm pretty sure the only good thing is that I would starve in peace.

Also, I muffed up last night. Boyfriend took me to dinner. I'm a fucking failure.
I really need to get out of that habit. I've been doing really awful the past month or so, and I just want to scream.
But I woke up with the tummy grumbles and smiled. I like that.

I want a job. I want a chance.
I don't want to look like a cabbage roll.
I don't want to fail you.

Three Updates In A Day?!

I must be going crazy. Oh well, I just ended up with more free time so I guess that's okay with me.

I get to leave campus early today because my supervisor told me I didn't have to come in this afternoon and my boyfriend's done with class in an hour. :-)

So I did end up eating a serving of those goldfish pretzels. I'm up to 330 calories for the day with roughly 470 to go, but I really think I'm going to be under that amount for the day. It's already past noon and I've already staved off the hunger up until now; I think I'll be alright the rest of the day. I'm probably going to make some kale and broth for dinner or something. I'm really feeling soup. I might do that since my boyfriend wants pizza... I'll make the pizza and drink the broth instead... tell him I'm too full.

Side note: I really hate people who want to know what you are doing on your laptop, so they sit like, two seats down from you and try to see your screen. I really hate that, and right now is not the time to try and hound me. I don't know you. Fuck off.

It's a rainy day out today. Reflects my mood quite well, I might add.
I'm having issues waving my headaches off the past two weeks. They hit, and when they do, they hit hard. It makes me so irritable and mad, and it really pisses me off. It's kind of funny because you can tell when I get them by reading my posts. The mood changes from post to post are funny to read. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm bipolar or something. My mom says nothing is wrong with me. I like her idea better.

Speaking of my dear ol' mom, she told me the other day that I didn't have the option to give up. I was feeling particularly down and sad and I texted her about it. I said I wanted to curl up and disappear, but before that, I wanted to put myself in the psych ward. She said that was absolutely not an option, so I said I wanted to give up. She didn't like that idea all that much at all, and I can't really say that blame her, because it may have just been the state of mind I was in. Although, it probably really wasn't.

I've successfully wasted half an hour ranting about my dumb feelings. I don't know why I do this, but I guess it might be on the off chance that someone else knows what is happening and might reach out a hand or some thoughts.

Hopefully some thoughts, because I can't gather mine very neatly anymore. I have a really hard time concentrating and it's starting to mess up my daily activities. Like the place I work at, I answered the phone this morning and introduced myself correctly, but said the department completely wrong. I was helping a professor book a conference room and kept stuttering like an idiot. I blabbed to my supervisor about bullshit and she probably thinks I'm crazy. It's like I go through periods where I don't know what I'm doing or I kind of wipe the period from my head and don't even remember what happened. It strikes me as freaking hilarious, but deep down inside somewhere I know it's probably not a good thing. I just don't want to face it; I know that's what it is, but I really don't care.  Not at all.

I don't know what I was going to follow that with. Some random gay kid came up to me and asked for quarters. I gave him two and he gave me a hug. Well, it'll come back to me later... I hope.

Oh, and someone needs to remind me to start taking my biotin supplements again. My hair comes out in chunks when I shower and it makes me so mad. Stupid hair. I was taking them for a while and it started to calm way down, thankfully. Then I stopped taking them because I'm dumb and now it's all starting to knot really easily and when I run my hands through it in the shower, the hair just kinda falls over the place. It makes my boyfriend really mad. I need to get on that.

Dude I can''t even type right anymore. It takes me forever to get the sentence right. I'll like, combine words and forget some and add punctuation and think it's right, and then when I look at it, it looks like my cat sat on the keyboard. I hate that, too.

Maybe I really am going insane. I wouldn't doubt it. I need to go find some water so I can make tea. I'm starting to get dizzy and lightheaded. Blah.

xo

Career Fair's A-Comin'!

This is just a sidenote to my post from a little bit ago. 

Our career fair is tomorrow morning.

I am so beyond scared and nervous. I have no idea what I'm going to say or do. My anxiety is so awful right now and I don't have any xanax at all. All gone. I can feel a panic attack coming on, and I'm sure it's going to happen tonight... tomorrow morning at the latest.

I guess I just need some prayers and kind words.

I really don't know how I'm going to get through this thing. I need a co-op so badly to get away from school for a semester. I need to get away from all this. On the other hand, my boyfriend may get a job or internship at this place down south. It's like, 4 hours from where we live now, and I'm so scared he's gonna have to leave... I almost started crying at dinner last night when he took me out because of it. He brought up that he might have to leave and I got all teary eyed. I'm such a big fat baby. You could tell he felt really bad about bringing it up after that and he sort of let  it go away and turned his attention to the baseball game. Haha...

But really. I don't know what I'm going to do if he leaves. I'm afraid that if that happens, my eating habits are going to spiral out of control for sure. Obviously I'll welcome the weight loss with open arms, but you know? It scares me to think of what might happen if I'm left alone. I never have done much good on my own. I'll become a slobbering, crying, hot mess. I won't ever go out. I won't have fun. I'm going to just sit in our room and cry and wither away into nothing because I can't function without him. 

Isn't this what you wanted, though?

You wanted to be alone so no-one could watch you do this to yourself.

Stop being selfish; they don't deserve to be around you.

Filth.

Weekend Fun

I just want to start off by saying...
HOLY COW did I have a fun weekend. My boyfriend decided that he was going to take the whole weekend off from working on his thesis and grading for the class he teaches and just be with me. I about died with happiness when he told me. This is the first weekend in so long that we haven't had to do anything immediately. We bowled in our league Saturday evening, and that was a blast. He bought a Monster Energy BFC. I honestly love Monsters, so I had no choice. I was in pure bliss at the moment and I couldn't say no. Saturday we also drove out to the mall and some other stores (luckily not for me...yet) to find him a nice suit for the career fair coming up tomorrow. Let me tell you, he looks absolutely gorgeous in it... I literally couldn't keep my eyes off of him. He just looked... amazing. I feel so lucky to have him. <3

Sunday we woke up, went to the bank, and he decided he was going to take me to the store so we could find me a nice outfit for the career fair tomorrow. I wanted to curl up and die. Naturally, I got online first to make sure I could find something worth buying. I found a really nice outfit that covered me all up but still looked snazzy. We got to the store and I fell apart. I was so frustrated. I couldn't find anything I wanted; even the outfit from online wasn't good enough. It was awful. We spent 3 hours going back and forth between two stores because I couldn't make up my mind. I felt so bad for my boyfriend, but he just kept insisting that we go back and try something else. Eventually (ugh) I ended up finding something. It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but my boyfriend insists that I look cute and adorable in it, so I guess I'll go with it for now. Wait until tomorrow morning when I have the biggest break down of the semester thus far... I'm completely not prepared. Luckily, however, my outfit is long sleeved, so my arms won't be noticeable. Thank God.

Moving right along, my boyfriend was being so romantic last night! I was probably in heaven. It was so wonderful. I couldn't tell you the last time we actually had alone time, being together. I felt like I was being pampered.

I swear that love makes you forget everything around you, because I think I ate a bit more than I had planned on. My next weigh-in is coming up, so I'm back to my tea regime. My supervisor watched me eat a piece of some pumpkin thing she baked, and like I've said a million times, I can't just ignore the food and hurt her feelings... Luckily when I looked it up, it wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. Only 150 calories. I honestly was biting the insides of my mouth over it... I thought it would have been like, 400. So, in that respect, yay!

Today I brought a lot of tea bags, the sleepytime relaxing tea included, and some of those goldfish pretzel things. They're only like, 130 calories for about 50 crackers, so I can squeak by with that I think. Other than that, I'm taking today easy. I'm getting off of work early and taking my boyfriend to get his hair cut for tomorrow. :-)

He is gonna be one snazzy mofo.

Keep spreadin' the loooove. xo

Thursdays Are Good Days...

...because I don't have to go to campus!

I successfully told my boyfriend that I wasn't going to campus with him today, and all he said was, "pass your test tomorrow." Oh well. At least he looked absolutely adorable this morning when he walked out the door. He has some wicked cool job meeting thing today or whatever, so he had to dress up. Let me tell you, he looks pretty good when he cleans up. :-)

Saying that makes me feel really bipolar because I was just upset with him last night because he called me fat. Some girl also texted him a picture and was like, "I'm all hot and bothered tonight. What should I do? Try on outfits?" and I about fucking shit a brick. Especially because he always tells me that she acts so desperate and dumb, and that she's a really awful bowler with no manners. Hahaha. I'm not sure what to do, but I'm pretty sure I'm saying something about in front of her dad this weekend, since I have to fucking bowl league with her. I'm not thrilled about it, let's just say that.

Anyway, I have a feeling today will be a lovely day (sarcasm). I ran out of cigarettes, and there is almost no food in the house because no-one has shopped in so long, but I think I'll be okay. I have my glass of lemon water to suffice for now, and I'll probably make some sleepy tea later to try and sleep some of the day away. Either way, it's only about 8:00 am right now, so I'll probably zonk out after I write this anyway.

It kind of sucks having to take all of this day by day. Sometimes I wake up and I just feel like I can get shit done, and then there are days I just want to curl up and die. Today might be one of those days. I think it's too early to really think about it. I would tell you what I'm thinking about eating today, but I really can't even think of anything I could eat that isn't processed or frozen (that's my boyfriend's fault). We have no fresh food left. We have no broth left. No veggies. It'll be a challenge if I end up eating later on. I'll have to let you know how that goes...

Anyway, last night my boyfriend wanted to go out for dinner. So we did. Boyfriend gets what he wants. But anyway, we ended up at this Mexican restaurant that we used to frequent. I got something that is about half the size of the meal I used to get. Thankfully, this wasn't a whole meal. I ate part of it and then boxed the rest. My boyfriend commented on my eating habits during our time there though. I guess he knew that I've lost weight since school started, and he told me it was because I wasn't eating enough. I didn't really have time to think about the rebuttal, but I basically just told him that I didn't have time to eat some of the time and I've been feeling sick a lot. Plus, that's kind of true because something's been up with my system as of late and I swear I haven't been taking lax. But I'm not gonna complain. It's just a little more water weight gone. The ugly part is that I'm also getting killer headaches and stomach aches, and I'm getting dizzy spells if I move too fast or concentrate on something for too long.

It's kind of annoying.

My boyfriend called me fat.

Back to the Nitty Gritty

I can feel myself starting to get back into the groove. Partially because I have a really bad headache and feel nauseous even though I'm starving, but mostly because I can feel the rumblies in my tumbly. :-) It's a comforting feeling, to say the least. The past week or so has been pretty rough to get through. This past weekend I spent drinking with my best friends (the pretty gorgeous one included!) and that was fun. I've never been such a lightweight before, and I like that! It means there is less of me to fill up with alcohol!

I took an engineering exam this morning; not too sure how I feel about that one, but oh well. I got a two day extension on it because I "wasn't feeling well". In reality, I just didn't feel like studying. I don't feel like doing much these days. Especially this week. By some twist of nature I got my period this week. I'll tell ya, I haven't felt so awful in years. I definitely do not miss this. My supervisor bought me a little chocolate bar and dontchya know it? I ate the thing. I could care less. Obviously I'm probably not eating anything else today, but who cares? I get chocolate! By the way, chocolate and water don't taste very good with each other. Haha. :-)

Anyway, I'm starting to get like, really depressed or something. I just always feel so god awful and I never want to do anything. I'm also getting these spells where I forget what I do in between the times I actually remember. I'm pretty sure that's how I lost my wallet this weekend and that's probably why I'm so lazy anymore. I always forget what I have to do for school, so I just sleep in when I actually sleep and then I have like, no time to get anything done... My boyfriend felt bad last night so he bought a double caffeine energy drink. I drank it this morning. I'm pretty sure I already burned off the calories in fidgets and brain power. Haha. Not what I was necessarily going for, but I'm not going to complain. Now my head just hurts something awful.

I really just want this week to be over. It's like that most weeks, but this one especially. I'm just so physically exhausted. I stopped going to my math class. I have an exam on Friday. Definitely not feelin' it. I don't know how I expect to get a Chemical Engineering degree with all of this shit. I just don't have the energy to keep up with it. If this keeps up, I have no doubt that I won't be able to finish it. I'm halfway done, and I just need a push of encouragement. Encouragement is good, because I can't give myself any. I just can't. I try, and I just get this voice in the back of my head telling me I can't. It's bad.... to the point where I'm really starting to believe it.

I feel like Vincent van Gogh.

More Inspiration

So I spent this weekend with my best friend since kindergarten. She's amazing and I love her. She's been my right hand man forever, and even though we've for sure had ups and downs, she's always there in the end.

I don't really know how to really merge into this, but she's lost like, 70 pounds! She's a freaking size ONE, and she really looks beautiful! I couldn't get over how little and lovely this girl was. She still wants to lose some more weight, but I totally think she is looking mighty fine. She's gorgeous. I couldn't believe how awesome she's been doing. I mean, it's not like she was ever fat, but she just... oh my God. She just looks so great. So does her roommate. They both went on some crazy diet that she's gonna give to me later today. (!!!) I guess it was pretty easy for them and it was working great.

I can't wait to get my hands on her diet. You have no idea.

I just really hope that I could look the same as her. I would give up food forever if I knew that's what I would come out looking like!

Confessions

I wanted to write this because I'm in a really weird spot at the moment. I just felt like I needed to get it out there before I exploded with emotional unrest. Haha...

I've been self-harming since around the age of 14. It started with "I just want to see what happens" and escalated into self-harming whenever I was upset. A couple times, my mother caught me and tried to intervene. She even threatened to send me to a psych ward to help me out. I insisted that it was just a phase and didn't really think much of it; I didn't understand why she was so upset. Those urges continued until the end of my senior year, when I met my boyfriend. I quit smoking and harming to make him happy, and didn't really tell him much about it. I call that period of my life "The Dark Period" because it was really awful in perspective and I haven't ever told many people what happened. I just tell them that I don't want to think about it.

I'm now 21, but I haven't really been able to shake the habit. Usually, I cut my arm up and that will "suffice" for the time being, but recently I've also been starting to starve myself for a few days at a time if I'm really upset. I kind of feel like I'm in a different mind when these things happen; sort of like, well I don't know, having an out of body experience. I'm remotely aware that it is happening, but I just let myself continue to let it happen. It almost feels like I have no self control over what I'm doing to myself. The most recent episode was about two weeks ago, when I was (very wrongly) afraid that my boyfriend of three years was cheating on me. I have a habit of getting extremely paranoid for no reason, and that is usually the panic that sets me into my "mode" for lack of a better word. Well, my boyfriend was out of the house, and I figured no one was there to see it happen, so I took out my box cutter that I keep on a shelf. I think I might have gotten my arm badly enough that there will be scars in place of clear skin, and I've taken to wearing a fleece jacket every day so it can't distract or attract attention. Luckily, the weather is getting colder, so for now, it works.

Last week, after he found out that I thought he cheated on me, I went into a rage about how awful I felt (not about the cheating, but about life) and how I could feel the depression from my earlier years coming back and haunting me. I went about three days without sleeping because I think I convinced my brain that the depression was a physical being. Obviously I know it isn't, but really, I wasn't in a state of mind to deal with it. I had gone so long without sleep and without eating that I could almost feel the hallucinations coming on. In a panic that my boyfriend was going to think I didn't love him (paranoia...), I shoved the sleeve of my jacket up and screamed at him that "This was the last week of my life" referring to how I had harmed myself three times that week because I felt so alone and unwanted. He literally tackled me and started to take the jacket away from me, and immediately I thought that I never should have shown him and that was the moment where I think I realized I can't do this anymore. It's really not worth having to hurt other people, miss school, work, and be in physical pain anymore.

I honestly don't know what it is going to take in order to make this stop, but if it's something that has helped other people, I'm game to at least try. It's been a part of my life for so long that I'm afraid I might not be able to live without it, but it's just like having a drinking problem or otherwise; it takes time. I'm willing to try if you're willing to help.

Has It Really Been That Long?

I want to apologize for not being around the past few weeks. I have no idea what got into me. It's been a really big blur, and I felt the need to do this right here, right now. Unfortunately I'm in my engineering class, but I can forgo a day of notes to update.

My energy is beginning to solely come from energy drinks and coffee, and it made me sick. Not puke-y sick, but sick enough. I don't feel like I should be privileged to drink anything but. I've definitely been eating though. My body needs to constantly be on the run, and it just keeps begging me to keep it running. I need to get back into the swing of things. I feel myself starting to gain back some of the weight I lost; not all of it, but enough to make me feel like poo again.

I definitely need to start finding time to work out again; I haven't done that in a while either. So far this semester has really grabbed me by the toes and hasn't allowed me to do much else besides study and stay alive. I actually went through an entire week with an average of less than an hour of sleep each night. I felt like I was going insane and I'm pretty sure I was on the verge of hallucinating. I started seeing auras and colors and shit. It was weird.

I completely started smoking again and didn't mean to. I did so well over the summer! I just walked my ass to the gas station and bought them thinking "one pack for the weekend and I'll be okay" and I'm pretty sure I've bought at least 5 packs since then. At least they help pass the time when I need to step out for a bit.

On a semi-brighter side, I got to see my friends this past weekend and it was so wonderful to catch up with them! I didn't realize how much I missed them until I had to tell them goodbye. It sucks having to be away from your friends and family for so long; I'm planning on going back in a few weeks because it was so much fun! I need to be careful when I go back though; my sister is a recovered anorexic, and it kinda makes me twitchy when I talk about it, but I'm still jealous of how wonderful she looked; she still looks terrific but I just need that edge on her. She's always been the pretty and popular one, and now it's my turn to be pretty! The last thing I want to do is mess her up again... Yikes.

So class is almost over, so I need to start packing up. I'm probably going to update more after this class since I have some time to spare before lab.

So, stay strong!

Severely Short Rant

I have no other social network to say this on, so I'm gonna say it right here:

My life sucks.

My boyfriend hates me, I hate me, I freaking hurt myself twice in the past 24 hours because I couldn't help it, I have way entirely too much to get done for school, I'm a fat lardy cow, and I just want to leave!

I can't do this much longer.

Life's A Bitch Sometimes

I had a post that I saved yesterday, but I forgot to finish it and I don't feel like it. Basically, it had to do with me getting heartburn for the first time in my life at 3:00 AM and feeling like I was going to die. I ended up staying home again the next day. I didn't do much else than sleep, watch movies, start a book, and take two showers. I made some potato soup that's low calorie too! I brought some for lunch today, so we'll see how good it is.

I came to campus today, but I took the day off work. Just going to my engineering class and Calculus, and I think that's going to be it for me. I have too much on my mind right now to really care.

My boyfriend and I are currently feuding, and it's pissing me off. He's honestly just being a dick about everything and doesn't really know the difference between a relationship and the borderline of cheating. He thinks that it's okay to just ask any girl he wants what kind of kinky shit they'll do to him and bullshit like that. For real, it makes me so mad I want to punch him. But I don't. I don't really ever talk about it. Until this past week, I had a hissy fit about it. I've been staving off everything I want to say to him for the past three years of my life. We found one of his dad's friends and his daughter to bowl with us in a league we've been trying to find friends for... Big deal. He asks me for her number, and all I hear about is "Rachel Rachel Rachel" for the next large chunk of my life. I'm sick of it, and it's so. effing. annoying. I haven't talked to him except for some pissed off texting for about 2 days now. I don't even know what I would say to him if he came up to me. We drove in silence this morning, got ready for school in silence, and I really just want to hug him and tell him I love him, but what does he care? He doesn't and he made that very clear to me. I'm this close to ducking out on the league and making him find someone else, but I know if I do that, I lose a night out and a night of exercise, so I'll just keep my mouth shut on that one. I don't want to see her. I want to just not. But I can't. I just don't know what's going to happen if this keeps happening. Life's going to suck now, and I guess I'm going to try and embrace that. Nothing else can go wrong. I think he's starting to figure out that I'm not eating much. He drove me to campus today and dropped me off so he could go to breakfast. He's been doing that more and more. He gets his meals by himself. On one hand, it's nice because I'm not forced to eat. On the other hand, it makes me feel like he thinks I'm not worthy of food (which I am not) and I don't deserve to accompany him. It's kind of like a win-lose, but both sides suck. You know?

End O' The Weekend Update

I honestly don't have much to update you on, except the fact that I'm considering having the weekends be my 1,000 calorie days, because it's really hard to occupy myself long enough to not notice that I'm starving. During the week it's not as bad, really.

Pretty much the point of this post was to let you know that I probably won't be on tomorrow at all. I have an engineering exam at 11:00 and then I'm going home. I'm gonna be whooped. I'll more than likely come home and go to sleep for the rest of the day.

No Title Necessary

So I did something unthinkable last night. I ate at Wendy's. I'm not going to tell you what I ate, because I feel so bad. I  slept like crap, my stomach felt like crap, and I totally regret even thinking I could compose myself. I literally just rolled over in bed and curled up. I wanted to cry forever. That's the last time that is going to happen, that's for fucking sure.

It's okay though (not really, but I'm trying to at least be a little positive), because I have to study my butt off for Monday. So I had a little bit of breakfast and just got done making some coffee. I'm writing this really quickly so I don't forget. I have two cans of diet soda and a bagel for later today, if I end up eating it (I probably will... fat ass). I really need to learn to control my urges. Gag.

Anyway, I'm not really sure how fun today is going to be, although I have a feeling it's going to drag on forever and a day. Hopefully I'll get to update later today, although I'm not quite sure with what. :-)

Help!

I just got chocolate cake shoved down my throat. By my bosses.
And then they made me go get bagels from the Dean's Office. Three of them.
What the hell is going on? I didn't even want food. Fuckfuckfuck.

So anyway, I stashed the bagels in my book bag. Maybe I'll save them for this weekend's meals.
I got my daily coffee too, and I have sparkling water.

I think I might ditch out on work this afternoon. I really love how compassionate my supers are, but really, it's been too much this morning. I still am actually feeling a little under the weather, and I hate feeling sick.

Also, this morning I smashed my pointer finger on my right hand in the door. It bloody fucking hurt like HELL. My super splinted it for me like MacGyver because our campus nurse charges $15 up front. Screw that. But it hurts still, like, a lot.

I didn't even get to put makeup on this morning because I woke up so late. I look like hell. I'm sweating like a pig in my fleece jacket and I just feel so shitty.

Luckily, the cake with frosting was only 104 calories.
Cue sigh of relief.

I just want to take a nap. This morning has already been a train wreck and it's only 9:30. Can it just be the weekend already??

09/13 Weigh-In News!

I did an impromptu weigh-in right before I started cooking dinner, because I knew the food would be heavy in my stomach and it wouldn't be the right weight.

I reached another GW!

Now I get to engorge myself with a serving of ground beef, a tiny bit of chicken, and a little bit of cheese. It all comes to a total of 350 calories, making today a grand total of 690! Good thing, because I just drank half a can of diet soda and feel full already.

Cheers!

What's For Dinner?

So I've successfully gone 12 hours without putting my lard ass on the scale.
Obviously, that will change tonight, but whatever.

I've also made it 12 hours with only 270 calories, and that was all for lunch. I made a little bit of plain macaroni noodles with kale, and I only added a half serving of sauce. The noodles themselves were 210 calories a serving, so I'm okay with that. I'm kind of excited to see if I reached another goal weight tonight, but at the same time I'm a little uptight about it. I'm happy that I'm losing weight, but it's not enough. It won't ever be enough, and i pray for the day I can stop. I may go eat a serving of that 10 calorie jello while my boyfriend is at the trainer's place. I'm not sure yet. I do know that he wants tacos tonight for dinner, so I will happily oblige. I'm not completely sure how I am going to go about dinner yet, though.

I'm thinking about a serving of regular ground beef, with no seasoning or anything (maybe pepper), and that is about 209 calories. If I add a little cheese, that's another 45, so I have 276 left for the day. I'm thinking I am going to have a little cottage cheese. The container says it's 80 calories. I'm a little apprehensive because I would be over 100 calories under for the day, but if that means I hit another GW, then hell, I don't care. I have homework to get done for tomorrow anyway. I'll pass the other time I have with another shower.