Severely Short Rant

I have no other social network to say this on, so I'm gonna say it right here:

My life sucks.

My boyfriend hates me, I hate me, I freaking hurt myself twice in the past 24 hours because I couldn't help it, I have way entirely too much to get done for school, I'm a fat lardy cow, and I just want to leave!

I can't do this much longer.

Life's A Bitch Sometimes

I had a post that I saved yesterday, but I forgot to finish it and I don't feel like it. Basically, it had to do with me getting heartburn for the first time in my life at 3:00 AM and feeling like I was going to die. I ended up staying home again the next day. I didn't do much else than sleep, watch movies, start a book, and take two showers. I made some potato soup that's low calorie too! I brought some for lunch today, so we'll see how good it is.

I came to campus today, but I took the day off work. Just going to my engineering class and Calculus, and I think that's going to be it for me. I have too much on my mind right now to really care.

My boyfriend and I are currently feuding, and it's pissing me off. He's honestly just being a dick about everything and doesn't really know the difference between a relationship and the borderline of cheating. He thinks that it's okay to just ask any girl he wants what kind of kinky shit they'll do to him and bullshit like that. For real, it makes me so mad I want to punch him. But I don't. I don't really ever talk about it. Until this past week, I had a hissy fit about it. I've been staving off everything I want to say to him for the past three years of my life. We found one of his dad's friends and his daughter to bowl with us in a league we've been trying to find friends for... Big deal. He asks me for her number, and all I hear about is "Rachel Rachel Rachel" for the next large chunk of my life. I'm sick of it, and it's so. effing. annoying. I haven't talked to him except for some pissed off texting for about 2 days now. I don't even know what I would say to him if he came up to me. We drove in silence this morning, got ready for school in silence, and I really just want to hug him and tell him I love him, but what does he care? He doesn't and he made that very clear to me. I'm this close to ducking out on the league and making him find someone else, but I know if I do that, I lose a night out and a night of exercise, so I'll just keep my mouth shut on that one. I don't want to see her. I want to just not. But I can't. I just don't know what's going to happen if this keeps happening. Life's going to suck now, and I guess I'm going to try and embrace that. Nothing else can go wrong. I think he's starting to figure out that I'm not eating much. He drove me to campus today and dropped me off so he could go to breakfast. He's been doing that more and more. He gets his meals by himself. On one hand, it's nice because I'm not forced to eat. On the other hand, it makes me feel like he thinks I'm not worthy of food (which I am not) and I don't deserve to accompany him. It's kind of like a win-lose, but both sides suck. You know?

End O' The Weekend Update

I honestly don't have much to update you on, except the fact that I'm considering having the weekends be my 1,000 calorie days, because it's really hard to occupy myself long enough to not notice that I'm starving. During the week it's not as bad, really.

Pretty much the point of this post was to let you know that I probably won't be on tomorrow at all. I have an engineering exam at 11:00 and then I'm going home. I'm gonna be whooped. I'll more than likely come home and go to sleep for the rest of the day.

No Title Necessary

So I did something unthinkable last night. I ate at Wendy's. I'm not going to tell you what I ate, because I feel so bad. I  slept like crap, my stomach felt like crap, and I totally regret even thinking I could compose myself. I literally just rolled over in bed and curled up. I wanted to cry forever. That's the last time that is going to happen, that's for fucking sure.

It's okay though (not really, but I'm trying to at least be a little positive), because I have to study my butt off for Monday. So I had a little bit of breakfast and just got done making some coffee. I'm writing this really quickly so I don't forget. I have two cans of diet soda and a bagel for later today, if I end up eating it (I probably will... fat ass). I really need to learn to control my urges. Gag.

Anyway, I'm not really sure how fun today is going to be, although I have a feeling it's going to drag on forever and a day. Hopefully I'll get to update later today, although I'm not quite sure with what. :-)

Help!

I just got chocolate cake shoved down my throat. By my bosses.
And then they made me go get bagels from the Dean's Office. Three of them.
What the hell is going on? I didn't even want food. Fuckfuckfuck.

So anyway, I stashed the bagels in my book bag. Maybe I'll save them for this weekend's meals.
I got my daily coffee too, and I have sparkling water.

I think I might ditch out on work this afternoon. I really love how compassionate my supers are, but really, it's been too much this morning. I still am actually feeling a little under the weather, and I hate feeling sick.

Also, this morning I smashed my pointer finger on my right hand in the door. It bloody fucking hurt like HELL. My super splinted it for me like MacGyver because our campus nurse charges $15 up front. Screw that. But it hurts still, like, a lot.

I didn't even get to put makeup on this morning because I woke up so late. I look like hell. I'm sweating like a pig in my fleece jacket and I just feel so shitty.

Luckily, the cake with frosting was only 104 calories.
Cue sigh of relief.

I just want to take a nap. This morning has already been a train wreck and it's only 9:30. Can it just be the weekend already??

09/13 Weigh-In News!

I did an impromptu weigh-in right before I started cooking dinner, because I knew the food would be heavy in my stomach and it wouldn't be the right weight.

I reached another GW!

Now I get to engorge myself with a serving of ground beef, a tiny bit of chicken, and a little bit of cheese. It all comes to a total of 350 calories, making today a grand total of 690! Good thing, because I just drank half a can of diet soda and feel full already.

Cheers!

What's For Dinner?

So I've successfully gone 12 hours without putting my lard ass on the scale.
Obviously, that will change tonight, but whatever.

I've also made it 12 hours with only 270 calories, and that was all for lunch. I made a little bit of plain macaroni noodles with kale, and I only added a half serving of sauce. The noodles themselves were 210 calories a serving, so I'm okay with that. I'm kind of excited to see if I reached another goal weight tonight, but at the same time I'm a little uptight about it. I'm happy that I'm losing weight, but it's not enough. It won't ever be enough, and i pray for the day I can stop. I may go eat a serving of that 10 calorie jello while my boyfriend is at the trainer's place. I'm not sure yet. I do know that he wants tacos tonight for dinner, so I will happily oblige. I'm not completely sure how I am going to go about dinner yet, though.

I'm thinking about a serving of regular ground beef, with no seasoning or anything (maybe pepper), and that is about 209 calories. If I add a little cheese, that's another 45, so I have 276 left for the day. I'm thinking I am going to have a little cottage cheese. The container says it's 80 calories. I'm a little apprehensive because I would be over 100 calories under for the day, but if that means I hit another GW, then hell, I don't care. I have homework to get done for tomorrow anyway. I'll pass the other time I have with another shower.

Semi-Success!

I convinced my boyfriend that I was too sick this morning to go to campus. The nice thing was, it didn't even take that much talking. I'm pretty sure I only had to say about 4 words all morning: 'no', 'no', 'I don't feel good', & 'yes'. It actually went a lot easier than I had planned in my head. That's never a bad thing.

I ended up eating a little last night, around 10:00 PM by the insistence of my boyfriend. It wasn't a lot, and when he asked why I didn't eat a lot, I told him it was because it was late and I didn't want anything other than water. He bought that too. Basically, I think he thinks I'm on a diet, and I just kind of brushed it off, saying that I was eating healthier. Actually, yesterday morning we walked into McDonalds because he wanted food, and I didn't get a single thing. He's like, "Oh, you know, you have that diet thing right?" And I felt myself get realllly mad about it. I told him, "No! i just don't want food." I felt my face turn red, because he did that right in front of another guy. How can he do that?! But oh well. At least he's starting to buy it, whatever "it" is.

Since I got to stay home today, I slept until noon. There is half of my day gone. I actually haven't even drank any water, but I'm going to need to so I can get the last of the nasties out that I can so I can weigh in again tonight. I think last night would have been another goal weight reached if I hadn't eaten my kale, so here's to hoping that tonight will be the night!

Well-being update:
I've lost ten pounds since school started at the end of August. That is a good thing. I'm fairly pleased since even though I knew I had to do this (again... stupid me), I took a week or so to wane off of things I knew i could do without. I couldn't find my old blog, so I started a new blog for a new endeavor. I'm okay with that, but I'm sad I lost my old one. :-(

So far, I don't feel physically "off" or anything. My emotions are definitely a lot higher than they were two weeks ago, if you know what I mean. I've had so much coffee that I end up not knowing what to do with myself  at night. I watched the Food Channel last night. Luckily, Restaurant: Impossible was on. I think I can start using that as a deterrent for going out to eat, for sure!

My current pair of pants is starting to get a little baggy on me. It's okay, but it kind of bothers me that they're baggy already. They're gonna start looking like men's pants soon if I can't get another pair. Crap.

Side Note:
My blog got cited as a "potential spam blog" last night. I didn't think I had excessive tags or anything like the manual said. I got realllly scared they were going to take it down without me knowing, so I copied and pasted everything I had. I can't lose another blog! Well, at least the old blog was me forgetting the password and email, but oh well. Either way, I think my thought (haha) is that they can't scare me like that! I almost had a heart attack!

I tried drinking a crap ton of water really quickly after my shower last night. It really does work! My stomach started getting upset, I think because it hadn't had that much "stuff" in it in a while. Either way, I think it worked.

I do believe that I'm going to go drink some water and take a shower. There's another 45 minutes that will get me to 1:00 PM. Then I only have to go about 4 or 5 hours until Austin comes home, and then another 2.5 when he goes to the trainer. That'll take me to about 8:00 PM tonight! Yay!

I'll probably be back later today. I can't seem to stay from it now!

Cheers!

Quick Post-Dinner Update

I managed to get away with ONLY what I said I was going to eat!
My boyfriend didn't even hardly question me; all I said was that I already ate what I wanted and that I ate before he got home. It worked! I think I'm just going to get in the shower and skip the jello tonight. Not feeling it.

Total calories for the day: 710

That's a nice number to rebound to, considering the past two days of hell. I finally feel like I accomplished something!

Tangent: I work in the Mechanical Engineering office on campus. There's a professor in the department. Let's call him Francey. Have I ever told you how adorable this man is? Of course he's young, attractive, super smart, and developing a new MRI method that he got funding for from the government. He's great. Love him. Man, I wish... ;-P

Ah well. Ice shower time, then bedtime. G'night, Ana. Sweet dreams.

Dinner Thinkin'

So I figured I would take the time to post something on here now, since my boyfriend is at the trainer's at the moment. I swear I was going to go, but I have to start studying for an engineering exam on Monday, and believe me, it's gonna take me that long to study for it.

So anyway, I think I've been doing okay today. I've definitely had a lot more coffee than I've been used to, but it's cheap and it's yummy (and virtually no calories!) and I don't care. Other than that, I had exactly 39 no salt peanuts, half of the dumb muffin my supervisor gave me because she watched me, and a small bowl of rice. So far, I'm only at like, 600 calories. I'm thinking about warming up some of that kale soup I made a few nights ago for dinner. As long as it happens within the next half hour.

Also, my boyfriend expects me to make him dinner tonight (because I always do, and I don't mind) and he wants tacos or sausage or something. Blah. I totally wish I could make dinner ONCE and not be tempted by the yummy smells. I'm not really sure what I'm going to tell him when I don't eat with him. One sausage is 150 calories, and that would put me 50 calories below my goal for the day. I guess maybe I'll cook some kale with water, and that would be 34 calories, and make it look like I'm eating some kind of a meal. Wait. I think I'm going to just eat half of the sausage, so that's 75 calories. Plus kale is 34. That's 109 right? There. I think I'll do that, and when he wants to have a snack or something later tonight, if I absolutely have to, I'll have some 10 calorie jello. There. That way no matter how it happens or what order, I'll still be under 800. I'm putting that in my calorie counter, that way I can save it and I can't go back and change it. I like that idea. :-)

I just realized something; I went over my fat goal for the day. Fucking A. It says I went 7 grams over, and you know what it came from? The goddamn muffin. Fuckfuckfuck. If I wouldn't have eaten the muffin, I wouldn't have gone over. I hate myself. Fuck muffins, dude.

Sorry, but I really love this picture. She's classy, beauuuutiful, and her body is freaking rockin'. Yeah, I just said that. I'm in love with this picture!

I Still Refuse to Purge, Though.

So I cheated. Do you understand how hard it is to go back to normal after bingeing just once? Can you even begin to? I don't understand it at all, but I did it. Again.

My boyfriend said we were going out for dinner since it was too late to really do anything else (says he). So we ended up at this Mexican place we always go to used to go to a lot, before his dad died. It's a really good place, and I figured that since I've only had 255 calories all day, I'd go for a fajita salad with no meat. Sounded great, right?

Well basically I ended up eating a whole basket of chips and salsa, and to make matters worse with that, I ordered cheese dip. -____________-

WORST IDEA I HAVE EVER HAD. 

I ate the whole freaking thing, and ordered grilled steak enchiladas.

ALSO THE WORST IDEA.

I ended up eating all of it, even though I told myself I wouldn't do it because I had been so good all day. Then my brain kept telling me that I should have it because I've been good all day. It's pretty much a lose-lose situation (or win-win in my brain box...) and I kind of hate that.

I didn't even bother putting that food into my calorie counter. No need to. I know I was bad. I know that I could have stopped myself if I would have realized it was happening. But no. I didn't. Grumble.

On the bright side, I weighed myself tonight before my ice shower. I'm only 1.8 pounds away from my next goal weight!! If that was me with food inside, it *should* be pleasant to see my weight without all of that garbage in there. Hopefully by tomorrow night it will level off. Sounds like tomorrow is a liquid fast so that I can get those last minute nasties out before I weigh in again.

UPDATE 09/12 AM
I was wondering about this while I was getting dressed this morning. How do you lovelies keep yourselves from bingeing after a really big binge? Like, is the feeling of "needing" to do it again there for you? Honestly, I'm just so mad at myself for what I did (again, mind you) last night that I couldn't really even bring myself to think about food. It probably doesn't help that my supervisor gave me half of her muffin this morning and said there is no excuse for not eating breakfast... I fell really bad because she's such a lovely lady, she really is. But UGH. Any advice, Ana?

Caffeineee

I'm definitely sure that I'm super hyped up on caffeine at the moment. I didn't even have that much this morning, just a large coffee. That's only about 2 cups worth of coffee. Well, whatever kind of caffeine that was, it was the crazy crack kind, because I can't calm my mind down. At all. I can feel my body act all paranoid and uptight and really twitchy. The thing is, I really want to go get more coffee. My stomach is grumbly, but not super hungry at all. That in itself is a good sign I think.

Pause to say hello to my engineering department head that apparently remembers my name even though I haven't seen him in ages and I have my headphones on. Ahem.

Anyway, I'm kind of starting to get brain twitchy about how I'm going to try and evade my boyfriend over all of this. Honestly, as of this past weekend, we're kind of in a rough patch. It was his birthday. I bought him a present. He didn't want it. Verbal fighting ensued. He told one of his ex girlfriends that he wanted to be there with her and that I'm distancing myself from him. Honestly, I kind of am, and I realized that last night. I have been sleeping in "my" room, where I keep all of my things since I moved in with him 2 years ago, more often than I used to. Mostly, it's because I want to be on Pinterest and the internet into the wee hours of the morning. I shut my door and lock it because heaven forbid he open the door and see movies about anorexia playing and me obsessing over ana blogs and such. I think I have some kind of addiction to websites though. I can't help I don't think. I like to read, and if that is the only way to really read about what is going on in other people's lives, then so be it. Sometimes a girl needs help. I can't exactly ask my boyfriend what to do, now can I?

I was just thinking; he'd kill me if he found out I skipped Calculus 2 to write this post because I couldn't help it.

Since my quest for perfection began, it's been an addiction. Even though this blog is the umpteenth time I've tried to keep some kind of record for myself, it's always been in (at least) the back of my mind. A constant humming of egging me on and criticizing me when I do something I know I shouldn't. I know, and I have read, that these obsessions are gonna consume a lot of my life, but I really just can't help it, you know? Most of the time, it starts with my stomach growling or aching, and then it turns into a full on "Oh my God I need to obsess over this right now because it's so pertinent!" session. Those can last for hours if I let them. I try to stay away from them lasting that long by distracting myself or going to work on a day off. But realistically, you can only stave off those thoughts for so long...

Tangent: I'm hoping that the more I drink these sparkling water things, the more the carbonation will bloat me so I won't feel hungry for a while. I'm starting to crave that Luna bar. Just like I told you I would. Grr.

Hopefully later I will be able to tell you how wonderful a day I had on which I'm about to endeavor.

______________________________________________________________

So basically, I ate the dang Luna bar. End of story.
I didn't end up feeling that terrible about it because I didn't have anything to eat afterwards. I've been good today. All I've had was that coffee, water, and the blasted bar. So you know what? I can deal with an intake of 255 calories in 19 hours. That is good.

I've heard that after 12 hours of not eating, your body begins to eat its own supply that it's set aside. It's kind of comforting, but when I think about it, I think about my stomach with a big gobbling mouth, snapping away at my fat stores. I might have to draw that later. It might make for an interesting art session...

So here I am, sitting in the undergraduate lounge and waiting for my group to show up, save for one girl who is already here. Bless her for being in my group, because she might go insane if I told her what I was thinking. She's a good girl though, I won't bother her with it.

So for real though, today hasn't really been that awful if you think about it.

• I staved off my hunger as decently as I could
• I haven't cheated or thought about binging
• I'm doing well with my fluid intake

Obviously, it can always be better, right?

The First Binge I've Ever Had: Aftermath & Lots of Coffee

I feel like I had my first binge yesterday. I hadn't eaten more than 200 calories all day, and my boyfriend took me to the grocery store to buy food for the week. I grabbed a big bag of kale, tofu, and lots of cottage cheese... I think that was it. Oh! And cauliflower, but only because it's so versatile and it was on sale! My boyfriend doesn't really understand the meaning of the word "diet" (he's trying to actually gain weight... what?) because he promptly grabbed an entire rotisserie chicken and a bunch of fried chicken too. The entire time I was thinking "Oh my God how can he do that?" and started to get so grumpy it wasn't funny. We got home, put everything away, and starts tearing into that poor chicken. Well, multiple chickens. I stood horrified because I had been having such a good day, and only ate a little bit while I was at work so my supervisors wouldn't try to toss me food because I had none. I tried so hard to ignore what he was doing. 

It looked so good.

I decided to finish putting together the bean soup I had started earlier in the day. I put the stove on, I grabbed the bag of kale. The kale goes into the pot. Stir. Spices. No salt. A little salt. Then he said it.

"Aren't you just going to have one piece?"

I feel like I lunged myself at that fried chicken so hard I might have bruised my arm.

Seriously though, I just couldn't stop eating. I tore through the "one piece" I thought I was content with eating, and all of a sudden a second piece was in my hand. Then my boyfriend offered me some of the rotisserie chicken he bought. You better believe my hands were on that sucker. I was scared, like I didn't know what was going on. It was mostly a big blur, and I sooo regret not paying attention. My calorie counter says I had almost 900 calories worth of chicken. 900! WHAT DID I BLOODY DO?! You bet that as soon as I plugged that crap into my calorie counter that I about had a bitch fit. I just kinda stared in awe. Not like I was surprised, but holy cow! 900 calories?!

I WAS DOING SO WELL.

At least my soup for the week got finished...?

Today, I'm still regretting sitting down last night. It's like my boyfriend was God and just kept handing me yummy chicken, and I don't really even care for chicken all that much. Really. I suppose that's my karma for severely restricting, but today WILL be better.

I brought flavored sparkling water with me to campus today. No calories. No sodium. No caffeine. No nothing. That's a start.  I have a few dollars to spare if I need to go buy coffee too. Oh, I guess I brought a Nature Valley crunchy granola bar with me, but I'm not eating it without a little bit of reflection on why the hell I would scare myself like I did last night? Lord only knows, but I felt like if I didn't get up to stir my soup, I would have never put my plate in the sink. It's all over now, thank Jesus, and my plate was retired for the night. 

I think I'm upset that it was after 7:00 pm when I ate, too. Whoops.

I ended up getting in the shower at 10:00 and scrubbing my face clean with like, 7 different scrubs. I think I was trying to get the muck off my face. Obviously that was metaphorical cleansing, but maybe it helped.  I ended up making the water super cold, and I was wiggling around and singing in the shower to myself. Anything to get a bit of exercise in and burn a few calories to make myself feel no better than I felt before. >:-)

I'm still feeling kinda iffy about today. I'm definitely not going to be doing that again, that's for damn sure, but I just don't know what I am going to be doing today. I definitely have classes from 11:00 to 1:00, but then I have a 2 hour break until lab, which goes from 3:00 to 5:00. Then I'm meeting with my engineering class team, and we are going to do our homework that's due tomorrow. That'll go until about 6:30, tops. By the time I get home, it'll (hopefully) be too late to eat. I'm crossing my fingers that I'll get home just at 7:00, so I'll have to make a decision: Bowl of soup and then workout, or no bowl of soup, make coffee, and do my homework. My conscious will tell me "you need food!" but my brain will tell me "don't do it; it's too late!" and I will (also hopefully) not give in. No, no, no.

And I called off work this morning. I said I had too much to get done. That's partially true I think, although I don't have things to work on until after my first round of classes. I don't have the comfort of being busy at work right now, so I'm sitting in a giant hallway writing this, and sipping occasionally on my sparkling beverage. Haha. I'm still trying to decide if I want coffee or not. I have two hours until I have anywhere to be. What to do. What to do... 

You know what? I'm getting coffee.

So I guess that walk was worth it. I made it to the student union, got some exercise, smelled the Subway, and got my coffee. $1.59 for the large. Two creamers. No sugar. Regular flavor. That's all good, but then I wanted to grab a bar in case I got super hungry later today. I bought Luna bar, not realizing it was 250 calories for $2.00 worth of a 2x3 inch granola bar. Crapster. Oh well, at least I'm saving it until i get super hungry anyway. On my way back to the giant hallway though, I kept feeling like someone was watching me walk out of the store with that stupid bar. Watching me carry my coffee back. Was Ana lurking in my shadow, making sure I wasn't being selfish and gorging my face with grossness? I think so. I really got scared in that moment too. I just I just act on impulse, and it's so annoying. I know I'm gonna end up eating that dumb Luna bar today. Why not just eat it now and get it over with? I can't do that, because then there would be no point in fasting after my binge. That would be called giving in, and I don't do that. Since I don't purge after I binge, ever, no matter what, I don't want the added anxiety of that Luna bar haunting my thoughts. Hopefully I'll forget that it's in my bag right now and get on with life for a little while...