The Office Blues...

I'm pretty sure everyone that comes through the office I work in thinks I'm the biggest, fattest cow ever. I feel like I'm always eating my time away in this little office. It's probably true, especially on Thursdays. I waste away in this little place and eat my weight in food. I've had so many green beans today I feel like I'm going to burst at the seams. That's an exaggeration, but I'm kind of serious. A professor walked through today and was like "it is always your lunch time here!" I know that he was saying it to be funny, but apparently I made a face afterwards because then he was like "You were upset, I'm sorry you were upset!" Really, I just tried to laugh it off but then I blushed really hard and got all sad, so I guess he noticed. Oh well. I really can't be mad because it was one of the dudes in this department that is just... well, terrific and brilliant and fun! Anyway, I shrugged it off by cleaning my desk and making it all nice and tidy.

Job well done.
Crisis not averted. Blah.

Short Update

Today's intake:

• 1 cup chai spice tea (0 calories)
• Unsalted green beans with pepper (70 calories)
• Light Italian soup (160 calories)

Total caloric intake: 230 calories

I also brought some rice cakes with me to help me through my afternoon lull. I feel like I totally splurged with the soup because it tasted so good, but I checked it twice and the whole can really was 160 calories! :-) I'm almost done eating it now and I already feel almost full. It's a weird feeling! My calorie counter said that if everyday was like today, I'd lose 30 pounds in 5 weeks!! I love the thought of that... that's like a pound a day!

Here's to hoping the rest of the day goes this well!

Major Motivation Needed

I need to stick to a diet. I want to be able to model like my beautiful friends. <3

My gorgeous friend that I've talked about a few times, she signed up on a modelling website with another one of her friends, and they got tons of offers to shoot within a few hours. Now, I should be studying for my last engineering exam right now, but truth be told, I NEED THEIR BODIES. They are so fit and thin and tiny and gorgeoussss and I can't shake the thought.

I already texted my friend and told her she needed to send me her diet, ASAP. She lost like, SEVENTY POUNDS! Holy cow! If only I could actually lose 70 pounds... oh my gosh. And I'm not just talking about water weight either. I want to legit lose 70 pounds... at least!

I guess I've foregone studying to wake up to a whole different motivation. I'm scared because obviously I don't have friends that know what I do, about this blog, my insecurities, etc... I'm afraid if I don't have friends or motivation to do this, I won't be able to. I'm just asking you to reach out to me, for me. God knows I can't do this alone, but I just want this so incredibly bad. I need to be beautiful, thin, happy. I want to be the girl that gets all the modelling offers and the one that can wear whatever I fucking want because I can. I just want to be pretty. I want to be like my friends. <3

I'm sitting across from this lady who is like, 400 pounds. I'm not even kidding. She always hobbles in the door around this time and plops her fat ass down on one of the university computers and just... sits there. She just looks so yucky, and I can't help but think that if I don't stick to some kind of diet now, instead of bouncing around and trying things out, that I'm gonna end up like her. I'm gonna be so disgusting. More than I am now, and the thought of that literally drives me insane. Why did I have to be born to be a big tub of fat? God, I am so nasty I can't even look at myself in the mirror these days.

My boyfriend and I were getting cuddly the other day, and I wanted to cry when he tried to take my shirt off. Like, WHYYY would you want to do that?! There is no reason that anyone should want to take any piece of my clothing off. That lard under there isn't meant to be exposed to the world! I just... gah.

I don't understand people, basically.

Do I Really Need Help That Badly?

So here I am, sitting in bed, taking yet another day off of school. In all honesty I woke up sick this morning and ended up vomiting. I was okay after that, and went back to sleep. When I woke up, my stomach was so empty it hurt, like I wanted to vomit again. The worst got the best of me, and instead of going back to sleep, I ate. It was a lot, but in terms of the binges I have, it was relatively small. two slices of pizza that I shared with my cats, and part of a gyro dinner that my boyfriend had gotten a few days ago. I had some ginger ale with it. Obviously it's not the ginger ale I'm worried about, however. Now I just feel really sick and gross and I might go take another shower. It's windy, rainy, and yucky outside; the weather seems to be reflecting my soul lately.

Friday I had a meeting with my Engineering advisor that went all sorts of wonky. It was supposed to be a meeting about a one credit class that I never went to because I hated it and didn't care about it early on. It ended up with me revealing all my secrets that I never wanted to tell anyone about the past six months. I spilled about how lost I feel not having Austin's father living anymore, I spilled about my grandfather being in the hospital on and off, about my little sister who is in rehab for anorexia, about how my parents don't want me to be in engineering and want me to transfer after this semester, about how it was beginning to physically hurt me.... I don't know what triggered it, but there I was, spilling things I never wanted anyone to know so they wouldn't be sorry for me... right in  front of him. He sort of sat back after the initial spewing and just kind of looked at me like "Oh, wow... okay then... obviously something is wrong here" and proceeded to tell me that although he wasn't equipped to legally give me advice, he would still talk to me and then... he encouraged me to say more. I did. I talked about my relationship with Austin, about the foreclosure papers, how angry I am at my parents, everything. I don't know why it kept coming out, but then I started crying. Why did I do that?! I'm in the freaking engineering college; why the hell should I be complaining about my life and crying? There is no time for it... None at all...

Anyway, after my brain decided to spill everything except my tendency toward kinky sex, my advisor told me that he wanted me to get in contact with the university counselors. He gave me their number, website, hours, location, everything. He said he is going to follow up with both me and the university to make sure that I at least meet with them once. If not, he said he was going to hunt me down. He said I've been through too many struggles (regarding the engineering) to give up now. I really do respect the way he handled my bizarre situation, and I was really thankful that he at least listened, even if he didn't want to, but I'm honestly so scared to meet with a counselor.

I had one when i was in second grade, and one day she just stopped showing up. She quit on me or something. She didn't feel like I needed her anymore. Little did she know that she was my only friend back then. I enjoyed playing the board games that she made up so we could get to know each other and she helped me stop crying for my mom during class. Like, literally I used to cry all the time. I didn't want to get in trouble. If I left my mom without telling her I loved her and I remembered later, i cried. I forgot my homework, I cried. One time I forgot my library books and I bawled my eyes out in the bathroom for the period. I was awful. That stuff continued until 7th grade. It was ridiculous.

Moving along... I'm scared to call this counselor. I don't know what to expect. If worse becomes worse, i can just go once to satisfy my advisor and then stop going, right? But then again, he's such a nice guy that I'd feel bad if I didn't go back. I'm just kind of afraid that they are going to quit on me like that lady in second grade...

I wish I knew what to do...

Just Another Wednesday...

And I feel like poo.

My supervisor is sick again, and she came into work today. I'm pretty sure she's gonna make me sick again, so I really hope she leaves early today.

I didn't feel like going out of my way to pack a yummy lunch today. I just threw some cottage cheese in a container and put a few rice cakes in a bag. There's an apple in there, too, but I don't like apples. Obviously I was awake this morning... Blah.

So I need to do a weigh in. Like, really soon because I'm pretty sure I gained over the weekend.

I need a cigarette, and I'm pretty sure I'm just going insane.

Greasy Fries, or Thin Thighs?

I think we all  know the answer to that one. ;-)

Leaving Town, But No Hiatus

I decided I just needed to get out of town and away from the drama for a bit. I ended up leaving in the middle of the week, so I'm missing a lot of classes. My professors so far seem to be very forgiving about the situation, so I'm really happy. I went back to my parents house and I'm staying until this Sunday. I got to see a few of my good friends from high school, and that was really comforting to know that they'll still help me when I'm in a crunch. I literally just started texting everyone I knew when Austin and I got into a fight and they came through. It was super awesome because they all got together and drove for over an hour to come rescue me. I wanted to cry so much!

Anyway, basically Austin got the foreclosure papers from the court regarding his dad's house on Tuesday, so he was already uptight. I'm honestly not even sure what the heck set anyone off, but we ended up fighting. It got to the point where he told me I had until 3:30 the next afternoon to get all of my stuff out of the house or he was throwing it away. I'm not really sure what he mad about... I just remember him saying that I don't pay enough money for the bills or something like that. I really don't know. Then he calmed down to the point where he said he would just put my stuff in boxes and I get them from the garage. And now he just wants me to be with him so we can work it out. Over the course of three days. I mean, honestly, I know he was really stressed about the foreclosure papers, because that means that the two of us have to find another house to live in.

I cut myself again before I left with my friends... I've been stuck in a sweatshirt the entire time I've been home. Luckily, it's cold as hell outside. My arm is starting to get itchy and it's annoying as I'll ever get out. This time, I do feel a little ashamed that I did it. I was doing really good at fighting off the urge to do it because I didn't want to have to deal with Austin or anyone else seeing my arm. I failed miserably in the end. I'm honestly beating myself up pretty bad about that one...

Austin and I texted a lot yesterday back and forth and it seems like he calmed down but I don't really think he even knows what all happened... I mean, obviously I'm still hurt. He did apologize a little bit, but I just really want him to say "I'M SORRY" to my face. He's always had a hard time apologizing to people... anyone, including me. It's just the way he is, but after something like this week happens, I just think it goes without saying that he needs to apologize. Duh. I don't really know how I feel about being with him anymore. I don't want to keep putting up with this shit and then have to pick up our pieces afterwards. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still love him to death and I would do anything in my power to help him. I just can't stand it when we fight. We don't fight often, but when we do, it's like World War 3 in our bedroom. That's the part of our relationship I can't stand.

I've been living on my light soup for the past few days and indulged in 2 slices of pizza for dinner last night. I don't feel bad about it because all I had was soup before it. I feel like I hit a plateau with my weight. Like, I was losing 6 or 7 pounds a week for a few weeks, and now I'm lucky if I lose 3. It's kind of annoying because I was doing really well for a while... Blah.

I have to go for now, but I'm gonna update you all later. I need to help my mom with work and stuff... and figure out my paycheck... and find coffee.