I officially live like a flipping hermit. Maybe it's good that I moved back, maybe it isn't. I haven't decided yet. I lounge around the basement most of the time. I watched all six seasons of Doctor Who on Netflix... 5 times through. I restarted Lost because I literally got lost in the middle of the 5th season. Two days later and I'm already up to season 3. I spend my time scrounging up money and perusing the internet looking for natural remedies to make my face look pretty and make my eyelashes longer (castor oil and coconut oil... they work. :-P ). I can feel myself slipping into a never ending cycle of endless diet pills, workouts, and constantly trying to keep my mind off of food. My best friend's birthday party is March 8th. I need to drop two dress sizes by then. I already bought the dress and have my date (a wonderful, unsuspecting lad who is tall, handsome, and has the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen... be jealous). I just need to focus for the next two weeks. A dress size a week....
I can do this. I know I can. I finally have my diet pills. I'm trying prunes as a natural laxative at the moment. We'll see if anything happens worth telling... blah.
I've got my days and nights all mixed up as well. I've been pulling all nighters like you wouldn't believe. Basically I've survived on coffee. I can't say I haven't started hearing voices though. This should get interesting.
I've also begun getting closer to my little sister (the ED one). It's really wonderful to hear her side of the story, share laughs, hang out, you know. She's doing wonderfully. She's healthy, and that's what counts. What scares me is that sometimes I feel like her stories are triggering to me. She tells me something that she used to do to be obsessive about restricting, etc, and then I think about it and try to incorporate it into my diet. Also, my best friend collapsed at work. Whether it was eating related, I have no clue. I do know that she is obsessive about not gaining weight and working out and stuff like that. It's like.... she exhibits all those symptoms and signs that we show, but then when we are together (5 days out of the week), she EATS. She makes food and stuff... I know to God she isn't puking it back up. I just don't know about her. I have my suspicions. I'm not 100% though.... I know after she collapsed, everyone at her work was asking if she had an ED. Her father cornered her when she got home and told her straight to her face that she had an ED. From personal experience, that's
not how you go about getting someone help... but I just
don't know.
Not like I can speak for myself, but that's not the point. I can wither away all I need to... just not everyone around me. That's not allowed. No no no no nonono.
I tried kicking my smoking habit. So far, it's going well. Definitely not smoking a pack a day anymore. I'm not making up for it in snacking, either! ;-)
On a completely unrelated note, I really think I should get a penpal. You know, to email and write to and send stuff to. I think it'd be fun. I used to have a penpal from Indonesia. He was awesome. It'd be fun to have another, so if you're a taker, lemme know. :-P
Anyway, it's about 4:30 am right now... I'm off to go watch some Lost, have one last cigarette, and wait for these prunes to do their work (or be a complete failure... a waste of 110 calories. Grr.).
Oh well.... hopefully I will return soon!
Stay sharp, loves.
xx
