Jinxed

I must be really good at screwing myself over multiple times.
I take back everything I said earlier about being happy. As of right now, I am not happy.

I want to die and never come back and I don't want anyone to see my face ever again. I want to curl up in a ball and freeze to death like the scum I am. I hate myself so much.

I don't want to be a part of the living anymore.

I hate me.

It's A New Day!

Hey all,

It's definitely been too long since I've been on here. I do want to take the time to say THANKS to everyone who thought of me and sent me a comment/message while I was gone. It truly meant a lot to me; you guys are the best. It's nice to be back. The only downside is that I have sooo much reading to catch up on with all of you! Although I am by no means complaining; you guys are the ones who keep me coming back. :-)

So, the big news. Austin and I are OKAY. We sort of talked, but mostly I felt like he was actually trying to be my boyfriend. I can't get over how happy I have been the past two weeks. Even though I was gone and with my friend for two consecutive weekends, he didn't complain once and he was just acting like he was so happy, and that's the kind of stuff I thrive on. I like to see him happy. We went shopping for some nice clothes for him, and that was a really fun time. He took me out to dinner a few times, and that was really nice. He said we were going to carve pumpkins, but since it's currently hurricane-ing outside, that probably isn't the best idea. Although he did buy me the cutest little stuffed owl, and I absolutely adore it! I feel like there was pep in my step and that I was glowing the entire time we were together. Now, this... this is what a relationship feels like. I love him. I really, honestly, and whole-heartedly do! He really is the person I want to marry, and you know what? I just feel... so... happy! I love this feeling. <3 For once in my life, I'm okay that I'm behind on my school work for now. I'm okay that I'm taking an entire day off of classes just to work. I am just going to bask in my happiness and soak it all up while I can!

In other news, that dumb hurricane Sandy is expelling her wrath over my head. It's nasty outside. Every single school in the county is closed, including Kent State, which is 15 minutes from us, yet campus is still open. I hate my life so much right now because of that. Haha :-P
But really, it's awful. I don't know how many of you live in the same region as me, but this shit is ridiculous! Luckily, we haven't lost our power yet, but it's cold as heck in Austin's and my house. I got out of bed this morning and felt like a Popsicle dipped in dry ice. I almost didn't even come to campus today, but I figured I would try just because I didn't want Austin driving in this weather alone, and because I didn't come to campus yesterday. Oh well. At least I'll get like, 9 hours of work in today. I'm okay with that. :-P

In regards to my food stuff: it's been a little out of whack since I started my hiatus. Nothing awful, but I definitely wasn't counting as often as I should have. I ate out a few times on Austin's treat, but I really don't feel like it was all that bad. I guess sometimes I just need to eat whatever I want to realize just how badly I want to be beautiful like all of you <3 (as I sit here eating cheese puffs... Sorry, it's a soft spot).

Anyway, how are all of you doing? I haven't really been able to read everyone's posts yet, but I'm hoping I get a chance to catch up quick!

Love you all and stay beautiful!

Mini Hiatus

 Hey all,

I'm taking a short break from Blogger. It's nothing you guys did/said/haven't done, it's just something I need to do for me. Trust me, it won't be long at all, though.

I've just been thinking about life and college and what I really want to do with myself, and I'm having a lot of trouble making really important decisions that need to be made in the next two months.

My boyfriend's and my relationship is pretty much on the rocks right now. It's been three years, and I am ready to be serious about it. He, however, wants to lie and say mean things to me when he feels like it, and wants to be a total sweetheart when he feels like it. It's a rocky emotional roller-coaster, and I'm not sure what my decision is going to be. I need help.

Stephanie & Austin; the happy days

I'm so torn apart by this. It's one of the hardest decisions I will ever make up to this point, and it physically hurts me to know that I don't know what my answer is. I love him, so much, and it would take part of my life away if I were to let him go. He is the reason I wake up in the morning and the reason I stay awake at night. I've never been so incredibly emotionally and physically and mentally involved with someone, ever.

I wanted to spend my life with him, and I'm not so sure he feels the same way anymore. I need this weekend to think. To get out all of the anger and pride, and start from scratch. It would quite possibly kill me to be without him in my life, but I can't live with the nagging, the negativity, and the lying. I think I've come to realize how weak and powerless I really am. I hate that it seems like he governs my life. In some ways, he does.

Oh, and by the way, his name is Austin. I'm giving him a name and a face. I'm not sure what good it's going to do, but I'm sick of just calling him "boyfriend" because he's really so much more than that.

I love him, and now I need space.

Please, if some of you want to get in touch with me, I have unlimited texting 24/7 and unlimited phone calls over the weekend... I'd really appreciate it. Just some kind words. Let me know if you want my phone number (comment me, email [ stephanie.elizabeth92@gmail.com ], etc), and I'll give it to you. I really don't mind, especially with going away for a bit. Really, I'd be more upset if you didn't do it (For Real!). I need your advice and thoughts!

Stay strong, and I'll (hopefully) be back soon.
I love you guys and I miss you already. I just hope you can understand.

xo

Really quick, are you guys able to follow me?

I looked at my layout earlier and I didn't see anywhere to follow the blog.

If not, let me know so I can fix it. :-)

Update 10/19: I think the problem got fixed; check the right column to follow.
Thanks, Wilko. :-)

Is It The Weekend Yet?

So I want to apologize about last night's post... I was really not in the mood for anything.
On the bright side, I didn't actually end up eating pizza. Even brighter: I ended up not eating for almost 48 hours! I absolutely had to this evening, because since I'm sick, the medicine I like to drink like candy makes me feel really (if that's what it even feels like) high, and very easily. I took a lot of my medicine last night, and ended up sleeping for 14 hours. I'm still tired as hell, and now I'm starting to get cold sweats, even after two showers today.

I just got out of the shower again, and took some more medicine. I know it's the last thing I should do, but it takes the edge off of being sick and upset. My boyfriend said something tonight about how he "refuses to me let [me] live here when [I] don't pay bills." I got really upset about it. Unfortunately, I make minimum wage, and I work my ass off between school and crap to be able to pay him my part of the bills. Well, I wrote him a check the other day only to realize that the check was for an account I didn't have money in. I wrote him a check for the wrong account! Big whoop, really, because I already ordered the right checks, and he's mad because it's gonna take more than 2 days for them to get here. Uggh. I know it's really not a big deal, but it's just the fact that this week has been really great, except for being sick, and he has to throw a hissy on Thursday night. I know he means well, but I've already been pondering what I'm going to do if he has to move away. I'm not staying in this house without him. It's still too creepy and weird to be by myself for more than a full workday, to be honest. I'm not ready to take this mansion of a house on by myself.

P.S.: Long story short, we live in his dad's house. I've lived here for three years. My boyfriend's dad died in April, and now we're here alone until we can save the house or get kicked out; whichever comes first... It's really hard to live here without his dad, and I make sure he knows that. I hate every day of it.

Anyway, I'm pretty proud of myself for the past two days. I'm around 1000 calories for the days combined, and that makes me smile. It's a step in the right direction!

Now I've got to go find somewhere to crash for the night; my boyfriend said I'm not allowed to sleep in our room because he has homework to do. Apparently he can't work anywhere but on his bed, and it bothers me because his bed happens to be the most comfortable in the house... Grr.

Here's to no sleep and awful stomach aches!

I hope everyone else has/had a good night!

I just wanted to say that I'm done blogging for today.
I feel so shitty and awful and I'm getting more sick by the hour.
I also wanted to tell you all that I'm about to fail miserably and eat pizza later; I really just don't care today.

I think my next step is to get peoples' cell phone numbers so I can text you all when I'm about to do stupid stuff like this.

Pray I don't explode from engorging myself.

I need help.

xo

What's Today?

I think it's Wednesday. My brain doesn't want to think right now, and it's kind of annoying. My boyfriend is a sweetie. He went to campus this morning and left me at home, and then at lunch time he came back to the house to see me and pick me up. I thought it was a nice gesture... I like to think that sometimes he misses me. Haha.

Anyway, here I am, sitting on campus... doing absolutely nothing. I don't know why I'm here, but oh well. I feel like shit and I can't breathe. My nose is running. I look like a fat turd today. I put on jeans and a fleece pullover because I was f-f-f-freezing this morning, but it looks like I'm a balloon because it's so big. I guess for now I don't really care that much because my brain is super fuzzy anyway.

I'm pretty sure I took way too much medicine this morning. I plan on doing it again when I get home later. I slept pretty good considering I slept through my boyfriend calling me like, 9273498 times. I can deal with good sleep. Maybe it'll help me sleep the rest of today through so I don't eat anything else. That'd be nice. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow, because I'm supposed to work 9 hours. I really need those hours, too. I mean, my boss said I don't have to worry about it if I don't feel better, but I really can use that extra money right now.

Half of me just wants to say "Fuck it, stay sick" so I can just go curl up and die. It wouldn't bother me any, that's for sure.

I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm cold, and that means I'm really cranky right now. I just want to get under the covers.

Lucky Me...

I'm sick again.

I'm starting to get so sick of getting sick. I can't even go a week without being ill, and it's so frustrating. Naturally I'm home again today.

I'm writing this on my phone and I don't really have a lot of time for now, but I wanted to express my anger at my health issues. It truly is a pain in my ass.

More updates soon to come!

Xo

Fair Day!

I'm about to cry. Today is the career fair, and here I am, sitting on campus, wearing a pant suit with a button up shirt. At least the button up is a pretty color. I even wore heels today, and I haven't worn a pair in years. My toes are numb from walking around campus already, and I still have three hours before the career fair starts.

I'll let you know how this goes... :-/

I found some really neat companies that I'm interested in... And all but one is in my area. The oddball is out in Pennsylvania, and that's like, 4 hours away I think. I'm kind of hoping there is no relocation assistance with that position... Ha. Anyway, I found these two companies that are really big on sustainability and bending over backwards for their employees and for the environment. Now, I'm not a genuine tree hugger, but that was one thing I was really looking for in a company. See, there was a company that does exactly that, and I really wanted to apply. They did awesome things, like make clothes and containers out of plant sugars! I don't know how many of you are geeks like me, but that is so cool! Turns out the plant is in Nebraska. Who the hell goes to Nebraska? Not happening. I struggled to find an alternative company up until last night. I found TWO! I think that is my driving force for today. I just really hope I can get an internship... or a co-op. I'm happy with any of it right now since I'm broke broke broke.

Anyway, I feel really ugly in this suit, like I shouldn't have even bought it. I feel like a stuffed cabbage.

My ankle just cracked so loud it echoed in the hallway.

Ahem.

Stuffed cabbage is me. My hair didn't do what I wanted it to do, but I fell asleep with it up so that's all my fault. I woke up late this morning. At least I took a shower. I guess I just don't feel ready to do this fair thing yet. I mean, don't get me wrong. I want an opportunity sooo badly I might cry after this is over. I just don't think I can handle it emotionally yet. I mean, I might have to move away from my boyfriend. He might have to move away from me. I'm scared that when I come back, I won't have anywhere to go. I'm scared I won't have any friends around me. I'm pretty sure the only good thing is that I would starve in peace.

Also, I muffed up last night. Boyfriend took me to dinner. I'm a fucking failure.
I really need to get out of that habit. I've been doing really awful the past month or so, and I just want to scream.
But I woke up with the tummy grumbles and smiled. I like that.

I want a job. I want a chance.
I don't want to look like a cabbage roll.
I don't want to fail you.

Three Updates In A Day?!

I must be going crazy. Oh well, I just ended up with more free time so I guess that's okay with me.

I get to leave campus early today because my supervisor told me I didn't have to come in this afternoon and my boyfriend's done with class in an hour. :-)

So I did end up eating a serving of those goldfish pretzels. I'm up to 330 calories for the day with roughly 470 to go, but I really think I'm going to be under that amount for the day. It's already past noon and I've already staved off the hunger up until now; I think I'll be alright the rest of the day. I'm probably going to make some kale and broth for dinner or something. I'm really feeling soup. I might do that since my boyfriend wants pizza... I'll make the pizza and drink the broth instead... tell him I'm too full.

Side note: I really hate people who want to know what you are doing on your laptop, so they sit like, two seats down from you and try to see your screen. I really hate that, and right now is not the time to try and hound me. I don't know you. Fuck off.

It's a rainy day out today. Reflects my mood quite well, I might add.
I'm having issues waving my headaches off the past two weeks. They hit, and when they do, they hit hard. It makes me so irritable and mad, and it really pisses me off. It's kind of funny because you can tell when I get them by reading my posts. The mood changes from post to post are funny to read. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm bipolar or something. My mom says nothing is wrong with me. I like her idea better.

Speaking of my dear ol' mom, she told me the other day that I didn't have the option to give up. I was feeling particularly down and sad and I texted her about it. I said I wanted to curl up and disappear, but before that, I wanted to put myself in the psych ward. She said that was absolutely not an option, so I said I wanted to give up. She didn't like that idea all that much at all, and I can't really say that blame her, because it may have just been the state of mind I was in. Although, it probably really wasn't.

I've successfully wasted half an hour ranting about my dumb feelings. I don't know why I do this, but I guess it might be on the off chance that someone else knows what is happening and might reach out a hand or some thoughts.

Hopefully some thoughts, because I can't gather mine very neatly anymore. I have a really hard time concentrating and it's starting to mess up my daily activities. Like the place I work at, I answered the phone this morning and introduced myself correctly, but said the department completely wrong. I was helping a professor book a conference room and kept stuttering like an idiot. I blabbed to my supervisor about bullshit and she probably thinks I'm crazy. It's like I go through periods where I don't know what I'm doing or I kind of wipe the period from my head and don't even remember what happened. It strikes me as freaking hilarious, but deep down inside somewhere I know it's probably not a good thing. I just don't want to face it; I know that's what it is, but I really don't care.  Not at all.

I don't know what I was going to follow that with. Some random gay kid came up to me and asked for quarters. I gave him two and he gave me a hug. Well, it'll come back to me later... I hope.

Oh, and someone needs to remind me to start taking my biotin supplements again. My hair comes out in chunks when I shower and it makes me so mad. Stupid hair. I was taking them for a while and it started to calm way down, thankfully. Then I stopped taking them because I'm dumb and now it's all starting to knot really easily and when I run my hands through it in the shower, the hair just kinda falls over the place. It makes my boyfriend really mad. I need to get on that.

Dude I can''t even type right anymore. It takes me forever to get the sentence right. I'll like, combine words and forget some and add punctuation and think it's right, and then when I look at it, it looks like my cat sat on the keyboard. I hate that, too.

Maybe I really am going insane. I wouldn't doubt it. I need to go find some water so I can make tea. I'm starting to get dizzy and lightheaded. Blah.

xo

Career Fair's A-Comin'!

This is just a sidenote to my post from a little bit ago. 

Our career fair is tomorrow morning.

I am so beyond scared and nervous. I have no idea what I'm going to say or do. My anxiety is so awful right now and I don't have any xanax at all. All gone. I can feel a panic attack coming on, and I'm sure it's going to happen tonight... tomorrow morning at the latest.

I guess I just need some prayers and kind words.

I really don't know how I'm going to get through this thing. I need a co-op so badly to get away from school for a semester. I need to get away from all this. On the other hand, my boyfriend may get a job or internship at this place down south. It's like, 4 hours from where we live now, and I'm so scared he's gonna have to leave... I almost started crying at dinner last night when he took me out because of it. He brought up that he might have to leave and I got all teary eyed. I'm such a big fat baby. You could tell he felt really bad about bringing it up after that and he sort of let  it go away and turned his attention to the baseball game. Haha...

But really. I don't know what I'm going to do if he leaves. I'm afraid that if that happens, my eating habits are going to spiral out of control for sure. Obviously I'll welcome the weight loss with open arms, but you know? It scares me to think of what might happen if I'm left alone. I never have done much good on my own. I'll become a slobbering, crying, hot mess. I won't ever go out. I won't have fun. I'm going to just sit in our room and cry and wither away into nothing because I can't function without him. 

Isn't this what you wanted, though?

You wanted to be alone so no-one could watch you do this to yourself.

Stop being selfish; they don't deserve to be around you.

Filth.

Weekend Fun

I just want to start off by saying...
HOLY COW did I have a fun weekend. My boyfriend decided that he was going to take the whole weekend off from working on his thesis and grading for the class he teaches and just be with me. I about died with happiness when he told me. This is the first weekend in so long that we haven't had to do anything immediately. We bowled in our league Saturday evening, and that was a blast. He bought a Monster Energy BFC. I honestly love Monsters, so I had no choice. I was in pure bliss at the moment and I couldn't say no. Saturday we also drove out to the mall and some other stores (luckily not for me...yet) to find him a nice suit for the career fair coming up tomorrow. Let me tell you, he looks absolutely gorgeous in it... I literally couldn't keep my eyes off of him. He just looked... amazing. I feel so lucky to have him. <3

Sunday we woke up, went to the bank, and he decided he was going to take me to the store so we could find me a nice outfit for the career fair tomorrow. I wanted to curl up and die. Naturally, I got online first to make sure I could find something worth buying. I found a really nice outfit that covered me all up but still looked snazzy. We got to the store and I fell apart. I was so frustrated. I couldn't find anything I wanted; even the outfit from online wasn't good enough. It was awful. We spent 3 hours going back and forth between two stores because I couldn't make up my mind. I felt so bad for my boyfriend, but he just kept insisting that we go back and try something else. Eventually (ugh) I ended up finding something. It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but my boyfriend insists that I look cute and adorable in it, so I guess I'll go with it for now. Wait until tomorrow morning when I have the biggest break down of the semester thus far... I'm completely not prepared. Luckily, however, my outfit is long sleeved, so my arms won't be noticeable. Thank God.

Moving right along, my boyfriend was being so romantic last night! I was probably in heaven. It was so wonderful. I couldn't tell you the last time we actually had alone time, being together. I felt like I was being pampered.

I swear that love makes you forget everything around you, because I think I ate a bit more than I had planned on. My next weigh-in is coming up, so I'm back to my tea regime. My supervisor watched me eat a piece of some pumpkin thing she baked, and like I've said a million times, I can't just ignore the food and hurt her feelings... Luckily when I looked it up, it wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. Only 150 calories. I honestly was biting the insides of my mouth over it... I thought it would have been like, 400. So, in that respect, yay!

Today I brought a lot of tea bags, the sleepytime relaxing tea included, and some of those goldfish pretzel things. They're only like, 130 calories for about 50 crackers, so I can squeak by with that I think. Other than that, I'm taking today easy. I'm getting off of work early and taking my boyfriend to get his hair cut for tomorrow. :-)

He is gonna be one snazzy mofo.

Keep spreadin' the loooove. xo

Thursdays Are Good Days...

...because I don't have to go to campus!

I successfully told my boyfriend that I wasn't going to campus with him today, and all he said was, "pass your test tomorrow." Oh well. At least he looked absolutely adorable this morning when he walked out the door. He has some wicked cool job meeting thing today or whatever, so he had to dress up. Let me tell you, he looks pretty good when he cleans up. :-)

Saying that makes me feel really bipolar because I was just upset with him last night because he called me fat. Some girl also texted him a picture and was like, "I'm all hot and bothered tonight. What should I do? Try on outfits?" and I about fucking shit a brick. Especially because he always tells me that she acts so desperate and dumb, and that she's a really awful bowler with no manners. Hahaha. I'm not sure what to do, but I'm pretty sure I'm saying something about in front of her dad this weekend, since I have to fucking bowl league with her. I'm not thrilled about it, let's just say that.

Anyway, I have a feeling today will be a lovely day (sarcasm). I ran out of cigarettes, and there is almost no food in the house because no-one has shopped in so long, but I think I'll be okay. I have my glass of lemon water to suffice for now, and I'll probably make some sleepy tea later to try and sleep some of the day away. Either way, it's only about 8:00 am right now, so I'll probably zonk out after I write this anyway.

It kind of sucks having to take all of this day by day. Sometimes I wake up and I just feel like I can get shit done, and then there are days I just want to curl up and die. Today might be one of those days. I think it's too early to really think about it. I would tell you what I'm thinking about eating today, but I really can't even think of anything I could eat that isn't processed or frozen (that's my boyfriend's fault). We have no fresh food left. We have no broth left. No veggies. It'll be a challenge if I end up eating later on. I'll have to let you know how that goes...

Anyway, last night my boyfriend wanted to go out for dinner. So we did. Boyfriend gets what he wants. But anyway, we ended up at this Mexican restaurant that we used to frequent. I got something that is about half the size of the meal I used to get. Thankfully, this wasn't a whole meal. I ate part of it and then boxed the rest. My boyfriend commented on my eating habits during our time there though. I guess he knew that I've lost weight since school started, and he told me it was because I wasn't eating enough. I didn't really have time to think about the rebuttal, but I basically just told him that I didn't have time to eat some of the time and I've been feeling sick a lot. Plus, that's kind of true because something's been up with my system as of late and I swear I haven't been taking lax. But I'm not gonna complain. It's just a little more water weight gone. The ugly part is that I'm also getting killer headaches and stomach aches, and I'm getting dizzy spells if I move too fast or concentrate on something for too long.

It's kind of annoying.

My boyfriend called me fat.

Back to the Nitty Gritty

I can feel myself starting to get back into the groove. Partially because I have a really bad headache and feel nauseous even though I'm starving, but mostly because I can feel the rumblies in my tumbly. :-) It's a comforting feeling, to say the least. The past week or so has been pretty rough to get through. This past weekend I spent drinking with my best friends (the pretty gorgeous one included!) and that was fun. I've never been such a lightweight before, and I like that! It means there is less of me to fill up with alcohol!

I took an engineering exam this morning; not too sure how I feel about that one, but oh well. I got a two day extension on it because I "wasn't feeling well". In reality, I just didn't feel like studying. I don't feel like doing much these days. Especially this week. By some twist of nature I got my period this week. I'll tell ya, I haven't felt so awful in years. I definitely do not miss this. My supervisor bought me a little chocolate bar and dontchya know it? I ate the thing. I could care less. Obviously I'm probably not eating anything else today, but who cares? I get chocolate! By the way, chocolate and water don't taste very good with each other. Haha. :-)

Anyway, I'm starting to get like, really depressed or something. I just always feel so god awful and I never want to do anything. I'm also getting these spells where I forget what I do in between the times I actually remember. I'm pretty sure that's how I lost my wallet this weekend and that's probably why I'm so lazy anymore. I always forget what I have to do for school, so I just sleep in when I actually sleep and then I have like, no time to get anything done... My boyfriend felt bad last night so he bought a double caffeine energy drink. I drank it this morning. I'm pretty sure I already burned off the calories in fidgets and brain power. Haha. Not what I was necessarily going for, but I'm not going to complain. Now my head just hurts something awful.

I really just want this week to be over. It's like that most weeks, but this one especially. I'm just so physically exhausted. I stopped going to my math class. I have an exam on Friday. Definitely not feelin' it. I don't know how I expect to get a Chemical Engineering degree with all of this shit. I just don't have the energy to keep up with it. If this keeps up, I have no doubt that I won't be able to finish it. I'm halfway done, and I just need a push of encouragement. Encouragement is good, because I can't give myself any. I just can't. I try, and I just get this voice in the back of my head telling me I can't. It's bad.... to the point where I'm really starting to believe it.

I feel like Vincent van Gogh.

More Inspiration

So I spent this weekend with my best friend since kindergarten. She's amazing and I love her. She's been my right hand man forever, and even though we've for sure had ups and downs, she's always there in the end.

I don't really know how to really merge into this, but she's lost like, 70 pounds! She's a freaking size ONE, and she really looks beautiful! I couldn't get over how little and lovely this girl was. She still wants to lose some more weight, but I totally think she is looking mighty fine. She's gorgeous. I couldn't believe how awesome she's been doing. I mean, it's not like she was ever fat, but she just... oh my God. She just looks so great. So does her roommate. They both went on some crazy diet that she's gonna give to me later today. (!!!) I guess it was pretty easy for them and it was working great.

I can't wait to get my hands on her diet. You have no idea.

I just really hope that I could look the same as her. I would give up food forever if I knew that's what I would come out looking like!

Confessions

I wanted to write this because I'm in a really weird spot at the moment. I just felt like I needed to get it out there before I exploded with emotional unrest. Haha...

I've been self-harming since around the age of 14. It started with "I just want to see what happens" and escalated into self-harming whenever I was upset. A couple times, my mother caught me and tried to intervene. She even threatened to send me to a psych ward to help me out. I insisted that it was just a phase and didn't really think much of it; I didn't understand why she was so upset. Those urges continued until the end of my senior year, when I met my boyfriend. I quit smoking and harming to make him happy, and didn't really tell him much about it. I call that period of my life "The Dark Period" because it was really awful in perspective and I haven't ever told many people what happened. I just tell them that I don't want to think about it.

I'm now 21, but I haven't really been able to shake the habit. Usually, I cut my arm up and that will "suffice" for the time being, but recently I've also been starting to starve myself for a few days at a time if I'm really upset. I kind of feel like I'm in a different mind when these things happen; sort of like, well I don't know, having an out of body experience. I'm remotely aware that it is happening, but I just let myself continue to let it happen. It almost feels like I have no self control over what I'm doing to myself. The most recent episode was about two weeks ago, when I was (very wrongly) afraid that my boyfriend of three years was cheating on me. I have a habit of getting extremely paranoid for no reason, and that is usually the panic that sets me into my "mode" for lack of a better word. Well, my boyfriend was out of the house, and I figured no one was there to see it happen, so I took out my box cutter that I keep on a shelf. I think I might have gotten my arm badly enough that there will be scars in place of clear skin, and I've taken to wearing a fleece jacket every day so it can't distract or attract attention. Luckily, the weather is getting colder, so for now, it works.

Last week, after he found out that I thought he cheated on me, I went into a rage about how awful I felt (not about the cheating, but about life) and how I could feel the depression from my earlier years coming back and haunting me. I went about three days without sleeping because I think I convinced my brain that the depression was a physical being. Obviously I know it isn't, but really, I wasn't in a state of mind to deal with it. I had gone so long without sleep and without eating that I could almost feel the hallucinations coming on. In a panic that my boyfriend was going to think I didn't love him (paranoia...), I shoved the sleeve of my jacket up and screamed at him that "This was the last week of my life" referring to how I had harmed myself three times that week because I felt so alone and unwanted. He literally tackled me and started to take the jacket away from me, and immediately I thought that I never should have shown him and that was the moment where I think I realized I can't do this anymore. It's really not worth having to hurt other people, miss school, work, and be in physical pain anymore.

I honestly don't know what it is going to take in order to make this stop, but if it's something that has helped other people, I'm game to at least try. It's been a part of my life for so long that I'm afraid I might not be able to live without it, but it's just like having a drinking problem or otherwise; it takes time. I'm willing to try if you're willing to help.

Has It Really Been That Long?

I want to apologize for not being around the past few weeks. I have no idea what got into me. It's been a really big blur, and I felt the need to do this right here, right now. Unfortunately I'm in my engineering class, but I can forgo a day of notes to update.

My energy is beginning to solely come from energy drinks and coffee, and it made me sick. Not puke-y sick, but sick enough. I don't feel like I should be privileged to drink anything but. I've definitely been eating though. My body needs to constantly be on the run, and it just keeps begging me to keep it running. I need to get back into the swing of things. I feel myself starting to gain back some of the weight I lost; not all of it, but enough to make me feel like poo again.

I definitely need to start finding time to work out again; I haven't done that in a while either. So far this semester has really grabbed me by the toes and hasn't allowed me to do much else besides study and stay alive. I actually went through an entire week with an average of less than an hour of sleep each night. I felt like I was going insane and I'm pretty sure I was on the verge of hallucinating. I started seeing auras and colors and shit. It was weird.

I completely started smoking again and didn't mean to. I did so well over the summer! I just walked my ass to the gas station and bought them thinking "one pack for the weekend and I'll be okay" and I'm pretty sure I've bought at least 5 packs since then. At least they help pass the time when I need to step out for a bit.

On a semi-brighter side, I got to see my friends this past weekend and it was so wonderful to catch up with them! I didn't realize how much I missed them until I had to tell them goodbye. It sucks having to be away from your friends and family for so long; I'm planning on going back in a few weeks because it was so much fun! I need to be careful when I go back though; my sister is a recovered anorexic, and it kinda makes me twitchy when I talk about it, but I'm still jealous of how wonderful she looked; she still looks terrific but I just need that edge on her. She's always been the pretty and popular one, and now it's my turn to be pretty! The last thing I want to do is mess her up again... Yikes.

So class is almost over, so I need to start packing up. I'm probably going to update more after this class since I have some time to spare before lab.

So, stay strong!