Well, I mean... what do I say? I'm back. It's weird to say that. I wasn't sure when I would be coming back here, but here I am, sitting with my puppy...and across my blog I stumbled.
I've missed everyone so much. I missed being here, catching up on all of you, and keeping myself on track.
So let's see. My boy is no longer in my life. I left him. Everything is with me. I'm using a room in my parents' basement for now, but oh well. It's small, cuddly, and warm. That's the most important thing, right? I've still got my kitties, too. I swear they keep me sane. I've been having a few bad days in a row now, and I felt like I needed to tune back into my outlet. I can't keep it all in and be okay.
I definitely need to help myself out. I need a kick start again. I feel lazy and sluggish, and I can hardly sleep at night. I'm restless and stressed way beyond belief trying to figure out what I want, how to do it, etc... Life is really stressful when you've been shielded and hidden for so long. I feel like I've lost the past three years of my life being in a relationship with A. I've even had a hard time visiting with my friends that I've known since elementary school. I try so hard not to make it awkward, but I just can't help but let it happen. I don't mean to, and I promise I'm a good friend, it's just hard to open up to people now. I feel like a lost puppy.
I'm scared. I really am. When I first got back home, I was really proud of myself. I even had enough strength to do 3 two-day fasts within two weeks. For those of you who read all of my posts, that's a feat in itself. I was doing really really great. Then I let it go for another two weeks. Gained a few pounds, but I wasn't back to a weight that I was scared of.
The past few days I've gotten into a sort of groove, I think. I've lost about 3 pounds in three days, and that's without exercising. I bought some yoga dvds and a cardio dvd; they should be coming in the mail soon. :-)
Today, I've had half a pomegranate, coffee, water, a serving of light cranberry juice, and some homemade tuna salad (I don't use mayo/relish/etc... I use a tiny bit of olive oil, pepper, parsley, diced tomatoes, and two or three cut black olives). The added veggies make it seem like there is a lot more in the bowl, and it actually looks really pretty too. It actually tastes like tuna as opposed to that nasty mayo crap. Probably around 300 calories total for the day. Honestly, I'm probably not gonna make anything later; I feel extremely full right now.
I'm finding that the more I look around the internet for exercise videos and moves, etc, the less I tend to think about food. Looking at a video and feeling like it would be fun to do... it just makes me not hungry. Makes me want to move more.
I've also had a lot of time to look at natural ways to wash my face. I don't have perfect skin, and the skin I do have is really sensitive to things like fragrance and those little scrubby balls that come in face cleansers. I makes my skin really dry and cracks it up. I look like a lizard sometimes. Take my word for it. But anyway, I've been occupying myself with trying to find natural ways to do "insert everyday task here". I found a face wash... olive oil. That's all. You spread the oil on your face, put a hot washcloth over it, and relax for a few minutes. Lightly rinse your face with warm water and PAT dry, don't scrub dry. My face is seriously so bright and so much less blotchy. I couldn't believe it. Also, I use this stuff called tea tree oil; mix it with water on a cottonball and wipe on your face. You feel so tingly and clean... I haven't had a breakout in weeks. Lastly, mix apple cider vinegar with water. Use it as you would a skin toner. I noticed a difference in two days. It's amazing how often we rely on store bought products to do the job, when it's free (and much more effective) doing it yourself.
I'm so incredibly excited about getting back into my routines and incorporating new ones. I feel like I need to do this for me. Even my moods are starting to balance; I still definitely have extremely depressive fits, but I feel like I can act happy easier, and when I'm around my family, I feel my mood mellow out.
Of course, I'm still scared of myself. I'm still trying to learn to trust myself, but I'm having a really hard time doing even that much.
