Tonight Is The Night

I'm leaving Austin tonight. I'm going home for the semester. I'm actually doing this. I'm scared, nervous, excited, a little bit of everything right now. I only have a few more hours of him to myself before I leave. I wrote him a long note; I hope he reads it and takes it seriously. I get to take my kittens with me, too. He's letting me. I don't want to say goodbye, but I can't help but look forward to everything that is going to change in the next five months. Maybe after this time apart we will realize what we each really want. It's not like we're not going to see each other, but it still is a scary thing to do. He's all I've known for three years, and now I won't have him in my life every day. That is a scary thought to itself.

We've gone out to eat twice today a midst doing some fun things before I go, but I could hardly eat my food without feeling like I had to vomit. I secretly threw more than half my food away. I feel bad, but at least he was having a nice time. I like it when he smiles.

I'm not sure the next time I will be able to write exactly. It sort of depends how I get settled in and family stuff and such. I mean, it is almost Christmas.

I know I've posted this picture before, but it is my favorite picture of us, ever. I will miss my best friend with all of my heart. I hope we come out of this okay.

Wish me luck. I love you all.

xx

Moving Right Along...

Basically, next week is my last week living with Austin. I am going home for Christmas, but then I am coming back, packing my things, and leaving. I feel really good about going home. I'm pretty sure that it's going to be easier for me to get away with not eating at my house. Both of my parents work, and my sisters are both in school, so... BAM. 

I'm still extremely bittersweet about the whole situation. I'm going to miss Austin like nobody's business, and I still feel like puking whenever I think about it, but I'm going to try it. I think this will be good for me. I think it will help me. Austin said we can still be friends, and I would really like that. I've had friends in Akron tell me that they would come visit me, and that means the world to me.

I'm really scared to make this move. I really, really am. I don't know what's going to happen when I go. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even know how to bring it up to Austin. He doesn't know that I'm leaving, I just always bring it up hypothetically.

I'm not sure how to tell him. 

And this makes me sad.

Here I Am!

So I've taken to finding a bathroom stall that locks and noone else can see me, hear me, or get in. I like it like that. I've been sleeping in this bathroom all week because I haven't been getting enough sleep... yuck.

I found a safe place to go for the weekend. I'm gonna go with my beautiful friend. :-) She has a modelling event tonight, so that will be fun to go see, I hope! I'm anxiously awaiting her to get to campus so we can go buy cigarettes and have fun! I might be partying tonight, but I don't know. I just want to go have fun. I deserve it, no? I hope that this weekend will be fun... I really do. I just want to forget about this week in it's entirety.

Luckily, if I go drinking tonight, it won't really matter too much. I fasted most of yesterday except for a little dinner, and I'm fasting today also. I realized that if I just forget about the food and don't think about my tummy, time passes by pretty quickly. I can't guarantee I can always do that, but with all the stress of this week, it was nice to go to bed with a grumbly tummy. Still, somehow, today I feel exceptionally fat. Maybe it's because I'm wearing skinny jeans, who knows? What I do know is that I need to get another ten pounds off, pronto. I'm pretty sure I turned into an elephant overnight, and that the fasting did absolutely nothing for me. Nothing else to do but try it again! I find that I feel happier when I fast. I don't have to count calories. I don't have to worry about the expensive healthy food. I don't need to worry about looking fat all of the time when I eat, either. Hopefully a few more days of this will get me to where I want to be. I wanted to lose 15 pounds by the end of the year, and since I've only lost about 7, I really need to get on that.

I'm feeling a little self conscious about my arm today, too. It's trying to heal over already, but the shirt I wore doesn't cover it as much as I thought it would. It might just be a coat wearing kind of night instead of showing off my cute top. Blah. Oh well. Whatever keeps people from asking questions. Maybe if we get drunk tonight I'll take it off. People don't care when they're drunk. Maybe there will be cute boys this weekend. It'd be nice to talk to some nice boys in lieu of my now ex-boyfriend. That sounds awful, I know. I'm not sleeping with anyone this weekend though! :-P

I hope my friend gets here soon; she'll know what to do. I hope that seeing her this weekend will give me more motivation to fast and lose those extra pounds by the end of the year. That's a really nice thought. I guess in the mean time I will redo my makeup and see if I can come up with any ways to miraculously make myself look not fat. Hahaha :-)

Strangely, I am dong okay today. My ex had an interview for a really good job this morning, and he wanted me to help him get ready. It felt.... strangely nice to go about it in a friendly way. I felt a lot of pressure off of my chest, that's for sure. Maybe without that pressure, I'll be five pounds lighter! It's a thought. :-P Wishful thinking, that is.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to write much this weekend. It sort of depends on where we go and where we stay, to be honest. Nonetheless, I hope you all have a fantastic weekend.

Stay strong, my pretty friends xx

***Critical Update***

Okay, so this isn't exactly crucial or anything like that, but I came to an amazing conclusion this morning. I had an emergency session with Michael this morning. I called him first thing in the morning because I wasn't sure what else to do; I had no one else to immediately talk to. He was amazing and pulled through. He called me and I was in his office within 10 minutes. He's a terrific guy. We talked, and he said that the things I was telling him were signs of emotional abuse. Since my boyfriend has hit me before (like, a year and a half ago), he said he would give it a year until it got physical again. He told me that nothing about the relationship is healthy, and he thinks that the goings-on between Austin and I are the biggest triggers in my life right now. I think... you know... I realized that today. He asked me why I cut myself last night... it was because of Austin. Why am I so down on myself? Because Austin tells me I'm a failure. Michael said that the only failures are the ones who don't take the step to get help... get out... and heal.

I decided this morning that I am going to take a semester off from school. I will finish this week, work all next week, and Friday will be my release. I am moving my things out of Austin's house, and I am going back home. I know I've talked about going home for a semester with no hard deadlines or actual commitments. This time I am being serious. I can't be in a toxic environment like this, because quite frankly, I think that it will drive me to my edge. I took down my Facebook page and stuff, but I will leave this blog up and continue to update it. I feel safe on here.

I feel good about taking this step. I have a feeling that maybe I'll have second thoughts as we progress through the week, but I'm trying really hard to not think about it. I've already told the most important people in my life that I am leaving, and I hope that makes it seem more real to me .I'm scared... terrified, even... but I will make it through this. 

I want to thank Skylar Rainn for her wonderful, thoughtful comment on my post from last night. That comment gave me the most strength I've had in a really long time, and it really made me think about what my priorities are. I'd like to share her comment, and I hope you read it and find some amount of inner strength. I think that her comment was what made me need to talk to Michael this morning. I realized that I'd had enough, and that I couldn't possibly begin to heal if I didn't take a step back from it all. Sure, it's gonna fucking hurt. A lot. And for a long time. I will become a better person from all of this and I will be able to stand on my own two feet. it just takes time.

"When shit happens like that I just throw myself into work and my diet. I mean - in a few months time I want to be skinny and smart. So show him, you're going to get really skinny, show him what he's lost and pass those exams because you're intelligent. Intelligent enough to know that he's not worth crying about - not until those exams are done. Life has a habit of throwing complete shit in our faces when we need an easier ride. This is a challenge that you ARE going to get through. Every day that aches is still a blessing because it takes you one step further to the best person you can ever be! And I'm here for you so fuck the rest =] xx"

I feel.... content now. Uptight. Scared. Mixed feelings. I'm not really sure what to expect, but I sure as hell hope it works.

<3

F Word

I just got done telling my counselor that I was doing fine, not 5 hours ago.

Since then, my boyfriend's walked out, broke up with me, and I've cut myself... really bad this time. My arm hurts... and I have final exams tomorrow and Friday.

I don't know how much more I can take... yet again. Life just keeps getting worse every day I'm alive.

But For Real Though...

...Every time I try to be happy, I can't be anymore.

Life Goals

I was thinking recently about the things that I want the most in my life, and I guess that since I'm at least attempting to turn a new leaf in my life to try make some things better, I felt that I would share some of my list as I figure out what is most important to me. This is probably just the beginning of a long project that I'll keep adding to. Feel free to join in if you'd like. :-P

1.) First and foremost, my family. I never want to lose them, no matter how much we disagree sometimes, it's not worth it to lose the people you are glued to for the rest of your life.

2.) When I graduate, I want to start my own family. Not too big, not too small.

3.) I want to have a wonderful job that I enjoy and something that will enable me to support my family.

4.) I only want to be married once. What's the point in marrying your soul mate if you have to do it more than once? I mean honestly, I don't even want to think about the word "divorce". Not in my stars, sucker.

5.) I want to be happy, but I also want my partner and family to be happy. I hate not seeing everyone content, and it breaks my heart to see someone close to me hurting. Those are times when I say "Forget me, what's wrong with you?"

6.) I want to be beautiful and happy. A thin, beautiful wife.

7.) Success. I don't think that I would be able to thrive without it. I mean, look how awful it's been the past few weeks and how awful I feel/look...

I never thought I'd see the day where I would eat a salad and be overly full. Didn't mean for that to happen, but nonetheless it makes me happy. I had some crackers and a small chunk of cheese for breakfast with Diet Pepsi. That was a total of 125 calories (blasted cheese... I can't give it up though. I love cheese.).

Lunch was just a small salad I bought that had a cucumber slice and two small slices of tomato. I put half a packet of FF Italian dressing on it for a total of 151 calories.

I'm planning on making some soup later for dinner, and I have 524 calorie left for the day, but I don't even think I'll reach that, which is great! I bought some coffee and I have some more diet pop in case I get the munchies later. I don't have any money either, so I won't be tempted to go buy something from the student center store.

My body is starting to feel weird, though. It's like, it's full but it knows it's starving, so it doesn't know what to do. I'm not sure if I like that part as much, but hopefully that feeling subsides. It makes my stomach churn, and I don't like that.

I've really been in the mood for some soup lately, but I don't know what to make! I'm thinking about just throwing some kale and cauliflower in a pot, and maybe add some onions or something. Oh wait! I have carrots too! Meh... so many decisions and choices. I just don't want to end up throwing everything in and ruining my day is all. Haha. :-) Suggestions for future use?

Yuck & Counselor

I totally don't remember typing that last post, so oops. Obviously I've been going insane the past week or so, and I'm still not up to par.

I met with a new counselor yesterday. I'm not really sure what I'll call him on here yet, but he's a doctoral intern. He's really calm and nice, and I like that. He didn't judge me outwardly for anything I said, except that when I told him I was extremely introverted, he goes, "Aren't all engineers though?" I like the way he thinks. He even requested to continue working with me! Yesterday he said that there was no certainty whether or not he would be the one to always see me, but I got a phone call from the office and they said he had opened up part of his day so I could come in again. It made me smile to think that someone would want to continue working with me on a level like this.

Anyway, we didn't really get to talk very "in depth" because yesterday was basically just patient intake day. I felt like I was playing 20 questions. Hopefully tomorrow there's a little more progress.

I wouldn't say I'm excited, but I'm definitely not disappointed.

I Know I Said I Was Okay...

...but for real I just got myself drunk again. I only made it three beers in, and I'm already feeling sorry for myself.

I hate what I'm becoming.  I hate me. Myself. I.

I have a final at 7:45 tomorrow morning.

Fuck my life. :-(

At least I didn't drink hydrocodone this time.

Sorry Guys...

I didn't really mean to upset anyone or worry anyone the past few days. I've really been battling my depression the past couple weeks, and it's been really hard to stay positive at all. Most is well with my boyfriend; I just got really mad at him over some stuff and flew off the hook. I'm okay now, though. I definitely didn't exactly plan on drinking the hydrocodone or cough syrup... it was an impulse thing. Sometimes I swear I'm bipolar, or schizo. I'm not even kidding; I wish I was.

Anyway, I wanted to put up some pictures, for what they're worth, that I took this morning. They don't have dates or anything on them, but I wouldn't lie to you guys. I really am alive and well.

I know I look all fat and crosseyed and tired as hell, but eh.
I guess for all intents and purposes, it works. Don't mind the beer bottles in the background. Haha. I keep a collection on my desk; I think they look cool. :-)

I also wanted to show you all that my arms are starting to finally shrink down (!!!). Now I just need to start losing my fat face. Ugh. Anyway. I got new shampoo and conditioner for my hair, so hopefully it starts looking a bit more healthy instead of flat and yucky.




Ah well. Here I go to study for a Calculus 2 Final... I have to wake up at flipping 6 am to make it to this exam. Luckily after that, I just have to endure the counselor and two more exams, but they aren't until Thursday and Friday. Then... I'm DONE for the semester... until my birthday! :-D

Wish me luck...

Spiral

I can feel myself starting to spiral out of control. Last night I drank hydrocodone. Today I drank cough syrup, and tonight I'm on an alcohol binge, courtesy of my boyfriend. Not like he knows what's going on, because he's stupid.

I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Here's to drinkin' all by my lonesome tonight.

Love you all xx

I've come to the conclusion that my boyfriend is just stupid. He doesn't get it, at all.


Coward.

He obviously just doesn't give a shit about me, or anything around him. Just him. That's all.

I drank a bunch of cough syrup. Surprisingly, it tasted really good. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep.

Emotions.

I can't get my internet to work on my laptop for some reason so I'm updating really quickly from my phone...

I'm not really sure what's going on inside my head right now. Lots of conflicting emotions, that's for sure. I was doing the dishes and all of a sudden I just wanted to bawl my eyes out. I kind of just let a few crocodile tears out but that was it. I didn't now what else to do. There's so much going on that I'm having trouble thinking without getting emotional, and it sucks. I'm happy, but I'm really sad deep down. It literally aches in my chest and crushes my lungs in its grasp. It's awful and I hate it but I am too weak to fight it back.

I need to find strength but I have none. I'm really depressed. More than I normally am.

To be frank, I'm pretty sure I'm high right now, so that's probably why this all sounds so depressing and sad. I drank about a third of a bottle of hydrocodone in my attempt to calm the fuck down. Probably not the best idea I've ever made and it was mostly just me acting on emotions and not thinking. I feel like I'm gonna pass out or puke or cry or die or something. I'm probably just overreacting, but oh well.

I'm in a pretty low place right now.

Extreme Restricting: Day 1

I know it says "Day 1" but I really don't even know how long this will go on. Oh well. I'll figure that part out later I suppose.

Anyway, so far as good.
My boyfriend and I went to McDonalds for breakfast at 7 this morning because it was too early to get into the buildings on campus. I got away with an unsweet tea. :-)

Since then, I've been sipping on that and I had two Triscuit crackers and a thin slice of cheese on each of them. Each cracker with cheese is about 30 calories. That means I'm at 60 for the day. I have two more crackers and two more slices of cheese in case I absolutely need them, but I didn't even bother bringing a lunch today. I have a bottle of Diet Coke in my reserves if the need arises.

I also brought my lemon/cayenne water today too. I think I may have made it a bit too spicy, but the taste goes away fast and... more pepper = faster metabolism? Probably not, but at least I like spicy things.

I'm actually surprised I'm not craving more food, but for my case, that's completely okay! Plus, I've been up and moving most of the morning, and some of that included stairs, so that's a little exercise thrown in there. It won't count for much, but at least it counts.

I'm really hoping that my supervisor didn't bring any food to share today. I don't really want to tell her no. Maybe I can stick it in the drawer of my desk and wait until she leaves to throw it out :-/ All hypothetical of course, because so far she hasn't let on that she has food.

Blah. I hope today ends as well as it started.

Fluid Cleanse.

I'm starting it tomorrow. I'm going grocery shopping for lemons and cayenne and oranges and tea and stuff tonight. In addition to the liquids, I'm just going to be taking my biotin and vitamin supplements, but that's it.

Wish me luck.

Whew!

Okay, so today didn't actually go as bad as I thought it would. I did end up eating at the potluck, but it wasn't big portions and I was fairly comfortable with it, except for the fact that I drank regular pop and defffinitely didn't realize it until afterwards. Oh well. I mean, the damage was already done and I couldn't really do anything about it. Also, I sat next to "Francey" (I've talked about him once or twice). Totally found out his mom lives in France and his kid is 15. Whoopsy. I underestimated how old his really was... by a lot! :-O

Dinner was really, actually one of the best dinners I've ever had, and I didn't even splurge! Austin insisted we go out to this nice pub/restaurant thing. Nice and pub in the same sentence... hmmm... but it's true! Haha. I got a steamed vegetable wrap with squash puree (it was actually really interesting to eat) and some french onion soup. That was pretty good too. I felt pretty good about it, even though my tummy is still kind of bloaty and round from this week, but it'll be alright. I may have some popcorn tonight, but I don't know. The can is in front of me, but it's not open right now and I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of that popcorn.

My cat scratched the side of my tummy earlier. He got it pretty deep. I was kind of hoping that it was deep enough that the fat particles inside of me would leak out, but to no avail. It was simply wishful thinking.

I'll have to get a picture of the mess my hair has become. I went to take a shower this evening, and decided to brush my hair before the shower because it was really snarly. Probably a bad choice, because it started coming out in chunks when I ran the brush through it. Now, normally, this just happens while I'm already in the shower and it all goes down into the drain. Not the case here, and it really scared me because the brush was fullllll of hair. Looks like it's time to go back on my biotin regime. I can't have my hair falling out like that. Yucky.

Soooo tomorrow is Thursday. I decided that I'm going into work, but I'm packing my own food because I'm a broke college kid. I'll probably be able to write and update a bit more throughout the day since I'll be at work all day.

Here is the ABC diet plan I'm going to attempt starting on Monday. I know Wilko was curious what it was, so I decided to put up a picture. Mostly to show him what the ABC is, but also to put it out there that I'm actually being for real this time because making up my own failed miserably.

The reason I keep telling myself that I'm an awful person is because I really do think that. Not all the time, but most of it. I am not a good role model. It's like, I definitely and by no means condone what I do or say. I do not label myself as a "Pro-Ana" blog. I hate that people think that just because I write about my life in a blog, it means that I am a supporter of what I do. Because of it, I get a few emails here and here asking for "tips" or "ideas on how to lose weight fast," or my favorite, "If I do this or this or this, do you think it would help me lose xxx amount of weight in xxx amount of time? Blah blah blah" Honestly people, I would never reply to something like that. There is no reason to. It makes me sick that people think they can "become" this. You can't. It just is. It's not because of this blog that I get upset at myself, it's the way that people perceive me. As much as I try to forget about it, I can't help bu feel like I'm just doing everything wrong and that keeping this as my outlet makes me a bad person.

My trip to the counselor is on Monday morning, right after my Calculus 2 final exam. Yippee! ....

...

....

Not really yippee.

Anyway, I still don't know what I want to get out of this meeting, really. I'm not sure what to divulge or what to keep internal for a while longer. Should I wait until I trust them to tell them everything that's happening, or do I spill it all right there so they can think I'm a nut case? It's driving me crazy running through every scenario I can think of. What did you all do the first time you met with your counselors, etc? (If you've ever had one). Is it scary? Where did you draw the line between "tell" and "don't tell". I don't know what to do about.

I feel like fleeing the continent. 

The Woes Of Attending A Potluck

The first half of the work day has passed by with not much commotion. Unfortunately, I feel like it's about to take a turn for the worst. In about an hour, every single faculty member in the Mechanical Engineering department, including our secretaries, and myself, will trudge on up to the Dean's conference room to partake in... A Christmas Lunch. Tis the season. I'm not so excited. I went to the union earlier to buy a small salad, coffee, and Diet Coke. I ate the salad already in the hopes that I won't feel hungry at all when I go up there. I have kind of mixed feelings about it, because I don't want to go up there and be the awkward girl in the corner not eating. I mean, honestly folks, who doesn't eat at a potluck? I'm thinking about maybe just staying in the office and being the designated sentry while everyone goes up, or I'll eat a little bit (if there's anything up there that's of any health value) and forgo dinner. Ah well. I might as well just not go, because I'm the youngest one there by like, at least 12 years. Not exactly thrilled by that either. I just feel abnormally fat today. Mother Nature decided to come visit this month, so I'm pretty pissed about that. I feel gross, I didn't do my makeup this morning, I'm stuck in an office by myself right now... I need a cigarette break. What else is wrong with my life?

Austin's and my apartment searching is going well, but really awful at the same time.
My uterus feels like it's about to burst into a million pieces.
My nails are starting to shred and peel every time I touch them.
My hair is starting to tangle into a rat's nest every time I wash it.
I have this nervous gesture where I peel the skin off from around my finger nails and it's really annoying because now my hand bleeds whenever I peel the skin. (Yuck, I know. Sorry!)
I think my shoes smell.
My finals are next week. FML.
I don't know if I'll be able to come to school next semester because I don't have $1000 to pay my bill from this semester.

I'm going to stop complaining now, because in reality this is all superficial. I'm not a selfish bitch, I promise... :-/

I must be an awful person.

On a sidenote, I'm thinking about beginning another ABC diet this coming Monday. It's been a while since I've done one. Maybe it'll kick my ass in gear.

I have no doubt I'm an awful person.

Tuesday & Blog Award!

So, first off, I'd like to thank Skylar Rainn for nominating me for the Liebster Blog Award that's been going around lately. I'm not completely sure how it works, but I'm elated that anyone even reads my blog! Honestly, I just started it to calm myself, but it's been branching into something a lot more than that. I love reading about all of you and keeping up with you and reading your stories. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in all of this, and I really appreciate that. <3

Here are the questions that I'm supposed to answer. :-)

1.) What is your favourite memory?

Being a little girl and not having to care about the world. I was so close to my family and always wanted to be around them. I would give anything to have those times back.

2.) What was your first relationship like?

 I'm still in it! Well, if we're counting serious relationships here. It's fun, spontaneous, and we enjoy each other's company. By no means is it a fairy tale romance, and there are some things I would like to change, but regardless, there's a beauty about being in love.

3.) Club party or house party?

Ick... house party by far. I'm not exactly a club kind of person. I do love a good house party though!

4.) Who is your icon/ idol?

Is it bad that I don't have one? :-/ Even if I did have one, I honestly wouldn't know who.

5.) One rule that you live your life by?

Everything happens for a reason. If it happens, then it was meant to be. Life's too short to wonder what could have, would have, should have...

6.) If you could have any pet what would it be (any animal)?

I am a sucker for felines. Any kind of kitty cat will do. My dream cat is called a Manul. It lives in Asia, and it's so beautiful! It's got big teeth and it's eyes are so unique! Google it: Manul Cat, or Pallas's cat. Same thing. <3

7.) If you had one super power what would it be?

I would want to be able to turn invisible on command. I would also love to be able to stop time; everything around me stops, and I get to go/do whatever I want.

8.) Ideal celebrity partner and why?

Either David Tennant or Matt Smith. British actors in the Doctor Who series. They are wonnnnderful  and I would marry either of them in a heart beat. They're really great people from what I've been exposed to; funny, kind, normal, down to earth people who just happen to have the most insanely awesome job on the planet!

9.) What are your favourite movies?

Oh wow, so many... Despicable Me, Beauty and the Beast, 2012, Inception, the Saw series, Harry Potter, A Secret Between Friends, Fright Night, Christopher and His Kind

10.) What is your star sign?

I'm a Capricorn. Oh boy, am I ever a Capricorn.

11.) What is your biggest regret?

Ohhh gosh... so many regrets. I regret not being a better person and not being a great role model for my younger sisters. I regret not being closer to my family. Not being a better girlfriend, lover, companion, friend. I always feel like I never do enough. Sometimes, I even regret not choosing a different path for me. I'm a second guesser.

Right now, I'm working on completing the second part of this award, which is finding 11 other bloggers and asking them 11 questions. Gosh, there are so many of you! I'm working on getting that out ASAP. :-) Unfortunately with the way I work, I only have short spurts where I can actually take the time to get on here, so that's why I need your patience on nominating some other fellow bloggers. :-(

In other news, today. Started out great, ended up awful. One of my supervisors is leaving in two weeks, and there are a lot of PhD defenses going on today. Therefore, I ended up with 4 doughnuts. I ate two. Don't even get me started on WHY because I have no idea other than one of them had strawberry frosting and that is one of my favorites. I wanted to cry afterwards, drinking my Diet Coke...

It's been a rough one. I want to cry about everything.

Any words of wisdom?

Acknowledgements/Sad Update

First off, I would like to thank Skylar Rainn for nominating me for the Liebster Blog award! I'm kind of excited about that! Unfortunately, I don't have time right now to take the time I really want to in order to answer your questions, but that will be my next post! Promise! :-D

I wanted to let you all know that I probably/maybe won't be on very much from now until the end of the year. My boyfriend's dad's house got foreclosed on, and now we have about two weeks to get everything out and find a new place. We're having a bitch of a time finding somewhere. All the apartments we like, we have to make $2400 a month collectively to afford an $800 apartment. We make the $800 easily, but apparently to rent an apartment, you have to make three times the rent a month. Stupid. Especially because we have more than enough to easily have about three years' rent in our bank accounts. They don't count life insurance as income. Stupid fucks.

Anyway, tonight we have an appointment to go through a house that we both fell in love with without even walking through it. Wish us luck! I can't wait to start this journey... being grown up, having a place all our own... is it bad that we already know where we'e putting all our furniture?!


AH SO EXCITED.

Hopefully this is a good end to a tragedy.

Talk to you all soon <3