Pause to say hello to my engineering department head that apparently remembers my name even though I haven't seen him in ages and I have my headphones on. Ahem.
Anyway, I'm kind of starting to get brain twitchy about how I'm going to try and evade my boyfriend over all of this. Honestly, as of this past weekend, we're kind of in a rough patch. It was his birthday. I bought him a present. He didn't want it. Verbal fighting ensued. He told one of his ex girlfriends that he wanted to be there with her and that I'm distancing myself from him. Honestly, I kind of am, and I realized that last night. I have been sleeping in "my" room, where I keep all of my things since I moved in with him 2 years ago, more often than I used to. Mostly, it's because I want to be on Pinterest and the internet into the wee hours of the morning. I shut my door and lock it because heaven forbid he open the door and see movies about anorexia playing and me obsessing over ana blogs and such. I think I have some kind of addiction to websites though. I can't help I don't think. I like to read, and if that is the only way to really read about what is going on in other people's lives, then so be it. Sometimes a girl needs help. I can't exactly ask my boyfriend what to do, now can I?
I was just thinking; he'd kill me if he found out I skipped Calculus 2 to write this post because I couldn't help it.
Since my quest for perfection began, it's been an addiction. Even though this blog is the umpteenth time I've tried to keep some kind of record for myself, it's always been in (at least) the back of my mind. A constant humming of egging me on and criticizing me when I do something I know I shouldn't. I know, and I have read, that these obsessions are gonna consume a lot of my life, but I really just can't help it, you know? Most of the time, it starts with my stomach growling or aching, and then it turns into a full on "Oh my God I need to obsess over this right now because it's so pertinent!" session. Those can last for hours if I let them. I try to stay away from them lasting that long by distracting myself or going to work on a day off. But realistically, you can only stave off those thoughts for so long...
Tangent: I'm hoping that the more I drink these sparkling water things, the more the carbonation will bloat me so I won't feel hungry for a while. I'm starting to crave that Luna bar. Just like I told you I would. Grr.
Hopefully later I will be able to tell you how wonderful a day I had on which I'm about to endeavor.
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So basically, I ate the dang Luna bar. End of story.
I didn't end up feeling that terrible about it because I didn't have anything to eat afterwards. I've been good today. All I've had was that coffee, water, and the blasted bar. So you know what? I can deal with an intake of 255 calories in 19 hours. That is good.
I've heard that after 12 hours of not eating, your body begins to eat its own supply that it's set aside. It's kind of comforting, but when I think about it, I think about my stomach with a big gobbling mouth, snapping away at my fat stores. I might have to draw that later. It might make for an interesting art session...
So here I am, sitting in the undergraduate lounge and waiting for my group to show up, save for one girl who is already here. Bless her for being in my group, because she might go insane if I told her what I was thinking. She's a good girl though, I won't bother her with it.
So for real though, today hasn't really been that awful if you think about it.
- I staved off my hunger as decently as I could
- I haven't cheated or thought about binging
- I'm doing well with my fluid intake
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