The First Binge I've Ever Had: Aftermath & Lots of Coffee

I feel like I had my first binge yesterday. I hadn't eaten more than 200 calories all day, and my boyfriend took me to the grocery store to buy food for the week. I grabbed a big bag of kale, tofu, and lots of cottage cheese... I think that was it. Oh! And cauliflower, but only because it's so versatile and it was on sale! My boyfriend doesn't really understand the meaning of the word "diet" (he's trying to actually gain weight... what?) because he promptly grabbed an entire rotisserie chicken and a bunch of fried chicken too. The entire time I was thinking "Oh my God how can he do that?" and started to get so grumpy it wasn't funny. We got home, put everything away, and starts tearing into that poor chicken. Well, multiple chickens. I stood horrified because I had been having such a good day, and only ate a little bit while I was at work so my supervisors wouldn't try to toss me food because I had none. I tried so hard to ignore what he was doing. 

It looked so good.

I decided to finish putting together the bean soup I had started earlier in the day. I put the stove on, I grabbed the bag of kale. The kale goes into the pot. Stir. Spices. No salt. A little salt. Then he said it.

"Aren't you just going to have one piece?"

I feel like I lunged myself at that fried chicken so hard I might have bruised my arm.

Seriously though, I just couldn't stop eating. I tore through the "one piece" I thought I was content with eating, and all of a sudden a second piece was in my hand. Then my boyfriend offered me some of the rotisserie chicken he bought. You better believe my hands were on that sucker. I was scared, like I didn't know what was going on. It was mostly a big blur, and I sooo regret not paying attention. My calorie counter says I had almost 900 calories worth of chicken. 900! WHAT DID I BLOODY DO?! You bet that as soon as I plugged that crap into my calorie counter that I about had a bitch fit. I just kinda stared in awe. Not like I was surprised, but holy cow! 900 calories?!

I WAS DOING SO WELL.

At least my soup for the week got finished...?

Today, I'm still regretting sitting down last night. It's like my boyfriend was God and just kept handing me yummy chicken, and I don't really even care for chicken all that much. Really. I suppose that's my karma for severely restricting, but today WILL be better.

I brought flavored sparkling water with me to campus today. No calories. No sodium. No caffeine. No nothing. That's a start.  I have a few dollars to spare if I need to go buy coffee too. Oh, I guess I brought a Nature Valley crunchy granola bar with me, but I'm not eating it without a little bit of reflection on why the hell I would scare myself like I did last night? Lord only knows, but I felt like if I didn't get up to stir my soup, I would have never put my plate in the sink. It's all over now, thank Jesus, and my plate was retired for the night. 

I think I'm upset that it was after 7:00 pm when I ate, too. Whoops.

I ended up getting in the shower at 10:00 and scrubbing my face clean with like, 7 different scrubs. I think I was trying to get the muck off my face. Obviously that was metaphorical cleansing, but maybe it helped.  I ended up making the water super cold, and I was wiggling around and singing in the shower to myself. Anything to get a bit of exercise in and burn a few calories to make myself feel no better than I felt before. >:-)

I'm still feeling kinda iffy about today. I'm definitely not going to be doing that again, that's for damn sure, but I just don't know what I am going to be doing today. I definitely have classes from 11:00 to 1:00, but then I have a 2 hour break until lab, which goes from 3:00 to 5:00. Then I'm meeting with my engineering class team, and we are going to do our homework that's due tomorrow. That'll go until about 6:30, tops. By the time I get home, it'll (hopefully) be too late to eat. I'm crossing my fingers that I'll get home just at 7:00, so I'll have to make a decision: Bowl of soup and then workout, or no bowl of soup, make coffee, and do my homework. My conscious will tell me "you need food!" but my brain will tell me "don't do it; it's too late!" and I will (also hopefully) not give in. No, no, no.

And I called off work this morning. I said I had too much to get done. That's partially true I think, although I don't have things to work on until after my first round of classes. I don't have the comfort of being busy at work right now, so I'm sitting in a giant hallway writing this, and sipping occasionally on my sparkling beverage. Haha. I'm still trying to decide if I want coffee or not. I have two hours until I have anywhere to be. What to do. What to do... 

You know what? I'm getting coffee.

So I guess that walk was worth it. I made it to the student union, got some exercise, smelled the Subway, and got my coffee. $1.59 for the large. Two creamers. No sugar. Regular flavor. That's all good, but then I wanted to grab a bar in case I got super hungry later today. I bought Luna bar, not realizing it was 250 calories for $2.00 worth of a 2x3 inch granola bar. Crapster. Oh well, at least I'm saving it until i get super hungry anyway. On my way back to the giant hallway though, I kept feeling like someone was watching me walk out of the store with that stupid bar. Watching me carry my coffee back. Was Ana lurking in my shadow, making sure I wasn't being selfish and gorging my face with grossness? I think so. I really got scared in that moment too. I just I just act on impulse, and it's so annoying. I know I'm gonna end up eating that dumb Luna bar today. Why not just eat it now and get it over with? I can't do that, because then there would be no point in fasting after my binge. That would be called giving in, and I don't do that. Since I don't purge after I binge, ever, no matter what, I don't want the added anxiety of that Luna bar haunting my thoughts. Hopefully I'll forget that it's in my bag right now and get on with life for a little while...