I Was Almost There...

...and then I ruined it. I had been doing so well at not giving in to temptation and working out when I was supposed to; I was eating right and everything...

Then last night happened. I'm not really sure what triggered it, I couldn't really tell you. I think it was because I made dinner for Austin. He eats so much. In total, I think he ate 8 waffles, 10 eggs, and about 20 sausage links for dinner. Of course, I didn't come anywhere near that amount, but still, I ate way more than I needed to to get that full feeling. It doesn't help that he told me I needed to eat some ice cream while we were watching a movie. I was doing so well at just telling him that it sounded good, but no thanks. The movie was almost over, and I caved. I ate my weight in ice cream and chocolate syrup last night (not literally, but close enough, right?). I woke up this morning and was so depressed about it that I didn't even go to campus with Austin. I decided to just stay at his house and pack up my things... I'm leaving this evening.  I don't want to, nor did this weekend turn out anywhere near the scenario that I had planned. I'm angry, upset, hurt... I'm not sure where to go from here.

We looked at apartments Friday and Saturday, because his house is getting taken away by the bank (his father died before I re-started my blog). It's a big, beautiful house that his father built by himself. It's an awful situation, but the bank wants it. Austin only has until the end of summer to get out, basically. I told him that as long as we split it evenly, we could get an apartment together. I don't know how I feel about it. It's probably because I feel like there is still hope for our relationship. Probably not though, in reality. He never tells me what he is thinking anymore, and that hurts me. I'm not a mind reader. I think that he's still partially hung on this other girl he talks to. Although the reason I came to visit this weekend was because he said, "I'd rather see you this weekend than lose you over two days with her." I don't know what that means, but I came to visit. He avoided having sincere, meaningful conversation the whole time. He was texting on his phone, presumably to the other girl. Then... there is a website I live a private life on. I don't look for people I know. I'm only there to find new friends, etc (and it isn't a dating website! Haha). Apparently he found me on it and was creeping on me, and he wouldn't tell me what his name was. I want to block him, that's it. I don't want him perusing in aspects of my life that he has no business doting in. I'm so mad. I almost want to take that profile down.

So... that's where I am with him. Still frustrated. Still hurt. Still have no idea what he wants. I don't even know why I came to visit now.

Anyway, I have to return to school for the summer, in order to not lose my financial aid and to avoid paying my student loans back for now. My friend Eric reached out to me and said that he has an upstairs room that he would rent to me if I needed it. No strings attached. I'm seriously considering it; there is no pressure of a relationship or making someone happy. Just friends, living together, and growing together.

I don't know what to do.

I learned a lot from this post: I don't know jack diddly squat.

My life, ladies and gentlemen. :-(

xoxo