Anyway, I'm staying with Austin this weekend. Risky and scary as well, but I really wanted to see him. And apparently likewise. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I mean, yeah, it's great to see him and all, but then all of a sudden he gets depressed and I'm left wondering what the fuck just happened. This was his latest update tonight: Why do I always feel bad when the logical decision is contradicting the emotional decision, and I chose the logical decision?
Honestly, what do I say to that? It could mean so many different things and I don't want it to seem like I'm overreacting. Blah.
Not to mention I feel like I'm gaining weight constantly, even with an up-dose of diet pills. I've had fast food three times (salad and chicken sandwich x2, then two sandwiches) and I'm so sick of it. It made my stomach really upset all three times. Not necessarily a bad thing, considering it left my body rather quickly. I guess I can't complain. Other than that, I haven't been snacking or anything, which for most people would be a triumph. Not for me. I still feel so fat and gross, and Austin doesn't understand. He just doesn't. He's trying to gain weight, not lose it. That makes me so angry it isn't funny. He's always telling me that we should go eat and get food, and go out, and blah dee fucking blah. I DON'T WANT TO. But then again I feel bad... why should I punish him for not knowing what's going on with my brain? I give in so easily... then take three times the amount of diet pills to make up for it. Honestly I just feel so bloated.
I'm not sure what my next step is. I've about 6 pounds in a week, and I feel like this weekend is going to undo all of that. I worked so damn hard to get my weight down, and now.... now it's going to get ruined. :-(
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