Our career fair is tomorrow morning.
I am so beyond scared and nervous. I have no idea what I'm going to say or do. My anxiety is so awful right now and I don't have any xanax at all. All gone. I can feel a panic attack coming on, and I'm sure it's going to happen tonight... tomorrow morning at the latest.
I guess I just need some prayers and kind words.
I really don't know how I'm going to get through this thing. I need a co-op so badly to get away from school for a semester. I need to get away from all this. On the other hand, my boyfriend may get a job or internship at this place down south. It's like, 4 hours from where we live now, and I'm so scared he's gonna have to leave... I almost started crying at dinner last night when he took me out because of it. He brought up that he might have to leave and I got all teary eyed. I'm such a big fat baby. You could tell he felt really bad about bringing it up after that and he sort of let it go away and turned his attention to the baseball game. Haha...
But really. I don't know what I'm going to do if he leaves. I'm afraid that if that happens, my eating habits are going to spiral out of control for sure. Obviously I'll welcome the weight loss with open arms, but you know? It scares me to think of what might happen if I'm left alone. I never have done much good on my own. I'll become a slobbering, crying, hot mess. I won't ever go out. I won't have fun. I'm going to just sit in our room and cry and wither away into nothing because I can't function without him.
Isn't this what you wanted, though?
You wanted to be alone so no-one could watch you do this to yourself.
Stop being selfish; they don't deserve to be around you.
Filth.
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